Reflections

For the most part, I was spoiled rotten. I literally got almost everything I wanted growing up. They usually tried to show me affection with stuff they "bought" or "gave" me. Whenever I got in arguments with folk in my family, whatever was given to me was usually thrown in my face. "I bought you..." or "I made you..." Ugh.
Some stuff I didn't get because "we were fortunate". Other stuff I didn't get because it wasn't "proper". Other stuff, they just looked at me like "Whatever".

Like, I wanted this game - Trouble. When I went to the doctors office, I always played it. One Christmas, my uncle brought it home and had me wrap it up. I just knew it was for me. Christmas morning, I opened a pack of socks. Apparently, the Trouble game was for this girl at church who was "less fortunate" than we were. I didn't talk to her much after that-- I know. I said I was rotten. I couldn't have played it anyway- I am an only child.

Another time, I wanted a Chemistry set. Instead, I got a bicycle and typewriter. I was appreciative of both. I mean goodness, I can type my arse off and I love riding bikes. But I never got that Chemistry set-no matter how many times I circled it in the Big Wish Book. It wasn't a "girl" toy.

Once I got to high school, I wanted a car real bad. They just looked at me like - whatever girl. Since I rode the bus. I spent the better part of high school, figuring out ways to not ride the bus. LOL. From missing the bus in the morning, to participating in extracurricular activites after school...I tell you I probably rode the bus a full school year-in 4 years.

Now that I'm all grown up. Those same tricks of "buy me this to show me love" don't work. Now I need more than financial gain to feel appreciated, loved, and cared for. Oh, how I've grown up.

LGBT Friendly

I would like to encourage everyone to seek out those companies, states, and churches that are LGBT affirming and friendly. Stop throwing your money and energy to those who don't give a damn about us. Let's support all LGBT friendly businesses, artists, churches, people etc.

Can someone tell me:

What states can I get married in?
What are some more LGBT friendly/affirming churches? (Notice there are a few in the links to the left.)
Name some black people who have no problem with homosexuality.

Let us be renewed. Let the rainbow fly. Don't worry about those who have an issue with you...focus on those who don't.

Untitled

I used to always get irritated by my father's side of my family because they were never affectionate towards me. I never got a hug from anybody. I didn't even meet him until I was like 11 or 12. I tried hanging out with my sister a few times afterwards. That didn't work.

My family would make me call him if I needed something. That didn't feel good. Because I felt like they would think all I wanted was money. But I didn't even want that. It was something my momma couldn't give me - thus I needed it. She was to proud to ask for it - so I had too.

They never came to anything - performances, graduations, birthdays'etc. And they were always invited.I actually despised my father for a long time because I never felt like he loved me. I was actually surprised a few weeks ago when I went to the Social Security office and his name was on my form. Hell, he didn't even sign my birth certificate.

On my momma's side, I couldn't get through the door without being hugged, pinched, or bitten on my fat cheeks. I had been socialized in this manner from birth. My Granny, has this talent of giving me what I want financially, but what I need emotionally. She knows when to give me a hug and when I need a dollar. She is balanced. She NEVER missed anything that I deemed important. She would take off work to come to chorus performances, awards day ceremonies, even band performances in high school. Maybe she is special- she had 6 kids, so she probably knows a thing or two. My girlfriend is a lot like her. They like some of the same things. It's kinda freaky. LOL.

But, I have always wanted to be just like her. Thus, I try to mirror some of her positive behaviors in my relationships: Encouragment, emotional support, financial support if possible. In college, my gf sang with the college choir. Although, I wasn't really into all of the music (a lot of it was foreign) I went to every on-campus performance. Off-campus performances were another story because they were all over. I didn't have a car and I couldn't just ride with them. But if they were on campus or a nearby church, I was there. I sat there, sometimes by myself, to show my support. Eventually, most of the music grew on me.

This is a problem -not in my relationship but with everyone else- because I always give.

If I see an opening, I try to fill it. Need a place to stay? We have an extra room. Hungry? Let me take you out to eat. Need money? How much, for what, and do you plan on paying it back? Notice it doesn't say, "When are you paying it back?" Stranded in another state? What's the address?

Do you see why this is such a problem?

I want to give, but I don't want to feel like I'm being taken advantage of. I don't want people around me who are only my friend because they know I will do anything for them. I want to be friends with people who have common interests, enjoy the company, great discussions and can have a good time. I want people around me who will support me in my endeavors and I in theres. My granny makes me feel good. My girlfriend makes me feel good. We have a 2 way street relationship. I am no longer in the cul-de-sac riding around the little circle. It's been fun...but I am a little bit to old for all of that.

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Yesterday, I awoke to Joyce Meyer saying, "Stop beating a dead horse. God showed you this a long time ago. It's time for you to move on." I was like -- WOOOOW! Joyce. Wow! Indeed he did.

Friends

Friends don't make lame excuses on why they can't show up at your event. Especially when said event has been planned for a month. Friends do the other thing that has "come up" earlier in the day or at the very least - don't avoid your phone calls. Sometimes, friends show up anyway - even if it means they are going to be late.

There's (Always) A Meeting in my Bedroom

So I settled on Silk. Although the post title was in the 200's, Freak Me Baby set it off. I was actually in 8th grade singing this song. So sad--my momma used to pop me in the mouth. LOL.

After I wrote the other post about LBD, I began to wonder what do you need in order to make a relationship really work? I by no means am an expert on relationships. Yes I've been in this thang for a long time, but for a few years it was shear will. We were together because we wanted to be together-not because everything was great. We were distant-not communicating as we normally did - we almost broke up. ALMOST. I mean I didn't think a relationship could withstand such turmoil. But then we had to think about it. Could we live without one another? I will admit, the betrayed Taurus in me thought to myself--yes. But after careful consideration, the answer was undoubtedly a, "Hell No!"

I remember being in arguments and having good make-up sex...but was the problem really fixed? Some say, sex can only fix some of the stuff - the emotions that make us "feel good". It kicks off those neurons and endorphins and we are "happy" once again. So is the problem still there? Can sex keep a relationship together if you have it often enough? Should we be having more meetings in the bedroom and less in the boardroom?

If the sex is missing, does it mean that something else is missing? And if something is missing -- what the hell is it? I mean we probably have heard the same answers over and over again: communication, love, self esteem, support, etc. etc. But are those just exscuses? There is a saying that goes: When a relationship is good sex is only 10% of the equation. When the relationship is bad, sex is 90% of the equation.

Do we(lesbians) use sex as a form of communication? If so, what are we saying?

When We Make Love

"One other requirement is that she must want to do "it" to 90's r&b. If Ginuwine's "So Anxious" doesn't get your panties wet, I don't know what's wrong with you." Raych

Was feeling Raych on this post and especially on her statement above. Perfect timing too as posts this week are inspired by 90's R&B Chart toppers.

I saw Ginuwine in concert in college. I wasn't head over heels screaming like the other girls. One of the clues that I wasn't straight--but his music--in the right moment... as Raych suggested should arouse you right?

In my mind it's 1/4 physical, 1/4 mental, 1/4 mood, and 1/4 opportunity--Ginuwine's "So Anxious" (and many more songs), bring the mental and mood into cooperation.

That got me to thinking about Lesbian Bed Death.

It is alleged that when lesbians get into relationships that their sex drive decreases. I can't imagine the desire for sex leaving me. There were times when I was too tired...too stressed...too anything, but the desire was still there...

Does this phenomenon really exist? Are their times when you are in a relationship when sex is not a priority? Do you ever feel like sex is a chore? It is times like these when I am made to feel like a horny toad...

Tevin...I Love You

Tevin...Oh how I loved him. Just thinking about Round and Round, Can We Talk, Break it Down, I'm Ready, Always in My Heart, Brown Eyed Girl, and all of the other wonderful smooth R&B that came from him...makes me want to .... I don't know...melt? scream? blush? Can't come up with the right word. But I do miss him on the scene. And if you don't know who I am talking about...I have to call you lame- Tevin Campbell. From 6th grade on ... I was obsessed with all things Tevin. I had pictures of him on my wall. Any performance that was televised... I saw it.

When Boyz in the Hood came out, I used to rewind the part where "Just ask me to" played...just so I could hear the song. I remember when I first say his videos on VHI Soul. It used to irritate the hell out of me that after being on the countdown for weeks...they would only play a snippet of the video. We didn't have BET. We could only get it on Saturday and Sunday mornings from like 8am - noon and then 12 am - 1:00 am for Midnight Love. Yeah, our cable company was whack. They claimed there was not enough of a audience to support BET all day. I bet they have changed their tune now.

One time, I sent this guy a letter full of sexy lyrics from his songs. LOL. Of course, he expected me to give it up. I wouldn't so he called me a tease. I just thought I was writing a sexy letter. LOL. I was 15. I didn't really expect him to want something from me. LOL. How naive. I couldn't find a video of SHH. Break It down...which is still even to this day..my favorite Tevin song. Whew.

Twitter

Let me tell you, when I logged in to my email and saw my momma following me on twitter, I was shocked as hell.

Alix got a good laugh as I freaked out and shut down my blog, protected my updates, and removed her from my followers. I tell you, it wasn't like I have said anything on here that I haven't said to her...but just the knowledge of her being able to know every thought or mood I am in is unnerving.

Now all of you can just fine...you don't have my phone number to call me...oh wait..you do or can at least get it easily. Hmmm So why was I so freaked out? It was just weird. Totally unexpected.

I guess it all boils down to me not telling her as much about myself as I do you all. That is so interesting.

I'm gonna be one less...

Have you heard that stupid commercial for Gardasil? I will go ahead and tell you that I hate it. I have a certain piece of disdain for this drug. Everything in my being says that it should be taken off the market. Ever since that first commercial 2years ago, I have been uneasy. I actually lost out on a job offer because I said I wouldn't advocate for the drug. The person I was interviewing with just happened to be the friend of the lead researcher. Go figure.

That notion that I'm gonna be one less if I just spend $100's of dollars and let you inject me with some experimental drug (I don't care that they claim to have tested it for 10-20 years)so I can be vaccinated from 3 or 4 strains of HPV that may or may not cause cervical cancer irritates the hell out of me.

The makers still expect you to go to a doctor to get checked for a disease that you supposedly got vaccinated for. Why? Because the vaccine doesn't really vaccinate you from the entire disease, just certain strains and nothing is 100% effective.

And finally, the biggest kicker is that cervical cancer is not the biggest cancer killer anymore. Why? Because women are going to get pap smears which finds the pre-cancerous cells early. This just doesn't make sense! This shot just seems like a waste of money? Furthermore, it's only recommended for 9-26 year olds. If 9 year olds aren't getting pap smears, why are they getting a vaccine?

Naw...I think I will be one less person participating in a class action law suit in 20 years. Can't you hear the commercial: Did you or any of your family members get vaccinated with Gardasil? Did you have x, y, and z complications? Call now-- you may be entitled to a portion of the settlement. Hurry, time is running out. 1-800- lawyers r us. There are already complaints and recommendations to pull this drug off the market.

I hope you all will be one less...and help your daughters...neices...cousins...and sisters be one less too.

New Beginning

I tried but did not make it to church this morning. Consequently, I was a good bedside Baptist. The message centered around the purpose of the death of Christ. This led me to draw a few conclusions and enter into dialogue with the other love of my life. Here are our findings: Christ died on the cross for all of our sins. (We all knew this.) Thus, we should not be burdened daily about sin and being a sinner. That's what his death was for. Remember, that the bible states that we are born into sin. So how can we keep saying this person or that group is full of sinners if we are all born as such? His death was to take away this label and for us to live a fulfilled life. Not a life of pain and suffering. Furthermore, happiness and the spreading of joy is our job. Are you spreading joy or misery and pain? Make the decision to spread joy, love, and peace. Also, stop allowing others to determine what your happiness is and what it looks like. We must look within ourselves for that determination.

Coming OUT is all the rage....

I had family visit last weekend. It was very eventful. From my uncle confronting me about my cousins sexuality to my aunt dropping it like it's still hot on the dance floor to something falling into my chimney---there was rarely a dull moment. I mean goodness gracious - why me?

What I found myself asking was, "Why do parents think it is some crime against them to keep our sexual experiences to ourself?" I know you don't have to come out...but at the same time you do. Why is it even up for discussion? Why does everything have to be changed? I am rambling--I know. Sorry.

Let me clear this up: When I was asked if my cousin was gay- I told them to ask him.
I was not going to be the one of putting his business out there and I didn't know if he wanted his parents to know.

Then his dad said, let me know--"Are they a couple?" He didn't want to be the only one in the dark. I said, I can't speak for him...but me and my significant other are a couple.

My significant other says, Auntie why are you doing this?-- Mind you she already knew. Her son talks to her all the time and she knew that he was gay, but refused to acknowledge it. She responds: "He doesn't tell me anything. He doesn't talk to me. Just like Tammy didn't talk to me."

I am like...."Whaaattt?!&?"

What was there to talk about? How should the conversation have gone? I just stopped hiding my relationship -- pretending like we are "just friends" in the last few years. I mean years 1 - 7 or even 8 were pretty much in the closet. Now google me: Tamara Boynton....I'm all gay all the time.

The stress of "hiding" relationships puts too much toll on the body. After they left, I thought that would be the end of it. Little did I know, that every day this week - sexuality would be the topic of discussion.

And who knows how much of my business is floating around Florida now! I am a very private person. Doesn't seem like it eh...with this blog? But a lot of my posts still maintain my privacy.

That's probably another reason I think I am having trouble coming up with blog posts. I like people reading, but everytime I get another email with people acknowledging that they read -- it's nerve wracking. And yes, it shakes my core just a little bit.

Uggh! I am a big bundle of confusion. I am totally open about who I am, my likes and dislikes. I can't even finish this post... I'll holla later...