What about your friends?

Friend:  "a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations."

I decided, long ago, that I only need friends who are supportive; not ones who subtly judge me or put me down when they can.  I don't have time to deal with other people's issues if I am not getting paid for it. I want to be a therapist but not during my free time.  I seek healthy friendships. I seek out relationships that are reciprocal. Part of that reciprocity includes treating me the way you want to be treated.

A friend of mine was having trouble securing a person to work at one of her events; I called on my friends who lived in the same area.  These friends include gay/straight/college friends/family/folk from around the way.
 

So when I received this message, I was a bit put off: 

The Process to Self-Acceptance

This post originally aired on June 8, 2010 on the original That Gay Girl Tamara blog. I think it is a cool way for you to understand just how I feel.  I have adopted a NO BS CLAUSE  for my life and that includes this blog.  That means, in no particular order, the following is not welcome or tolerated:  trolls. They are banned immediately.  Negative, attacking, critical behavior? Take that shit somewhere else.  Self loathing, self-hating people are not welcome here.  Why? Because I don't want to deal with that here. Simple enough. Don't like it? Kick Rocks xoxo - That Gay Girl Tamara 

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Over the past few weeks, I was on retreat.  In that time, I learned so much about myself.

I started a new project that would allow me to truly accept myself. Having been "out" for over 4 years, you would think I dealt with this already. But I hadn't. I realized that so often, we have "issues" with ourselves because someone told us it was a problem.  These people have power over us because we then allow their opinions to dictate our actions.

For instance, I had trouble maintaining this blog because I did not want to hurt any ones feelings and I wanted to maintain some sense of privacy.  I also knew my mom (who is running for political office) would eventually have to deal with this publicly. But then I realized that she knew I was a lesbian way before she made the final decision to run for office.  She didn't take my feelings into consideration or care that people may start to pry in my life to get "dirt" on her. Or maybe she didn't think it would be a problem. I just did not want her to have to deal with similar things that the Cheney's had to deal with because some people can be so cruel.  I don't know why how I live my life has any bearing on her. I mean, I have never been in trouble. I always did well in school (except for that one pre-calculus class) and before the age of 30-- I had bought my first home and secured a master's degree-- sounds pretty good to me.

The crazy thing is she will make a wonderful addition to the school board. Even if she is a Tea Party Republican...she's a great woman who will work hard and offer unique ideas to the school system. She tutors students -- and does listen to me when I tell her about the hardships that some teachers face.  She is a great advocate for low-income students and students with academic prowess (not that these two are mutually exclusive).

And then add to the pot of stew, my super religious family and the quandary of the issue unfolds.  My grandmother is a Sunday School Teacher, a member of the Missionary Society, and many other church groups. I didn't want the "church folk" to talk bad about her.  My uncle is a pastor and heads up a church.  I was active in the church as well. From participating in all activities of the youth department that included:  Girl Talk, Girl Scouts as an assistant leader, choir member, Sunday School participant,  to being a junior thespian, Vacation Bible School participant,and more- I did it all. There are many more pastors, deacons, deaconesses, etc. in my extended family and they all feel like they have a "duty" in making sure we live our life according to their version of the good book. I felt like everyone would be let down or that they had a vested stake in me; thus, there was a real fear about living my life as an out lesbian.

I am sure some of you have experienced this dynamic as well.

However, as I began to think back over my life, I realized that there was always something that "needed improvement." Someone always had something to say about my hair, size, clothes, physical features, where I lived, how long it took me to learn how to ride a bike, the friends I had (most were White),  the boys I talked to, my intelligence or the lack thereof (I was either too smart or not smart enough), my complexion, my finger nails-- yes my nails...or any number of things. I quickly realized I was never going to be "fully accepted" by "them".

There is always something that someone thinks I should be doing differently! And frankly-- these are not my issues. Have you ever heard the saying that whatever you don't like in someone else-- is actually what you don't like about yourself? I never had a problem with myself until someone felt the need to point out a problem. I actually like myself. So why in the hell should I let someone else's issues dictate my happiness?

Exactly.

Then, I decided...just for the heck of it to take stock of my life since coming out.  And to be honest, it has been true bliss in the circles I have run with.  Although there have been individual differences--for the most part, it has been cool.  I am not looked down upon for being a "gone big girl".  My clothes are not topics of discussion unless someone wants to know where I got them ... I have actually been welcomed with open arms: from guys and girls alike!  And in this knowledge I have finally learned that the only person whose acceptance matters is my own.