The Process to Self-Acceptance

This post originally aired on June 8, 2010 on the original That Gay Girl Tamara blog. I think it is a cool way for you to understand just how I feel.  I have adopted a NO BS CLAUSE  for my life and that includes this blog.  That means, in no particular order, the following is not welcome or tolerated:  trolls. They are banned immediately.  Negative, attacking, critical behavior? Take that shit somewhere else.  Self loathing, self-hating people are not welcome here.  Why? Because I don't want to deal with that here. Simple enough. Don't like it? Kick Rocks xoxo - That Gay Girl Tamara 

______________________________________________________________________________

Over the past few weeks, I was on retreat.  In that time, I learned so much about myself.

I started a new project that would allow me to truly accept myself. Having been "out" for over 4 years, you would think I dealt with this already. But I hadn't. I realized that so often, we have "issues" with ourselves because someone told us it was a problem.  These people have power over us because we then allow their opinions to dictate our actions.

For instance, I had trouble maintaining this blog because I did not want to hurt any ones feelings and I wanted to maintain some sense of privacy.  I also knew my mom (who is running for political office) would eventually have to deal with this publicly. But then I realized that she knew I was a lesbian way before she made the final decision to run for office.  She didn't take my feelings into consideration or care that people may start to pry in my life to get "dirt" on her. Or maybe she didn't think it would be a problem. I just did not want her to have to deal with similar things that the Cheney's had to deal with because some people can be so cruel.  I don't know why how I live my life has any bearing on her. I mean, I have never been in trouble. I always did well in school (except for that one pre-calculus class) and before the age of 30-- I had bought my first home and secured a master's degree-- sounds pretty good to me.

The crazy thing is she will make a wonderful addition to the school board. Even if she is a Tea Party Republican...she's a great woman who will work hard and offer unique ideas to the school system. She tutors students -- and does listen to me when I tell her about the hardships that some teachers face.  She is a great advocate for low-income students and students with academic prowess (not that these two are mutually exclusive).

And then add to the pot of stew, my super religious family and the quandary of the issue unfolds.  My grandmother is a Sunday School Teacher, a member of the Missionary Society, and many other church groups. I didn't want the "church folk" to talk bad about her.  My uncle is a pastor and heads up a church.  I was active in the church as well. From participating in all activities of the youth department that included:  Girl Talk, Girl Scouts as an assistant leader, choir member, Sunday School participant,  to being a junior thespian, Vacation Bible School participant,and more- I did it all. There are many more pastors, deacons, deaconesses, etc. in my extended family and they all feel like they have a "duty" in making sure we live our life according to their version of the good book. I felt like everyone would be let down or that they had a vested stake in me; thus, there was a real fear about living my life as an out lesbian.

I am sure some of you have experienced this dynamic as well.

However, as I began to think back over my life, I realized that there was always something that "needed improvement." Someone always had something to say about my hair, size, clothes, physical features, where I lived, how long it took me to learn how to ride a bike, the friends I had (most were White),  the boys I talked to, my intelligence or the lack thereof (I was either too smart or not smart enough), my complexion, my finger nails-- yes my nails...or any number of things. I quickly realized I was never going to be "fully accepted" by "them".

There is always something that someone thinks I should be doing differently! And frankly-- these are not my issues. Have you ever heard the saying that whatever you don't like in someone else-- is actually what you don't like about yourself? I never had a problem with myself until someone felt the need to point out a problem. I actually like myself. So why in the hell should I let someone else's issues dictate my happiness?

Exactly.

Then, I decided...just for the heck of it to take stock of my life since coming out.  And to be honest, it has been true bliss in the circles I have run with.  Although there have been individual differences--for the most part, it has been cool.  I am not looked down upon for being a "gone big girl".  My clothes are not topics of discussion unless someone wants to know where I got them ... I have actually been welcomed with open arms: from guys and girls alike!  And in this knowledge I have finally learned that the only person whose acceptance matters is my own.

Be Silent Be Still

So I tried not to talk yesterday- I was unsuccessful in my attempt. I know that it is something I will attempt again, and very soon. I think I was most unsuccessful because I did not disengage from the outside world. I hung out with my gf and cousin, watched tv, was on the net, answered email, etc. The act of not speaking did not adequately take me to a place of silence within. However, I did have some moments of clarity. Instead of thinking before I spoke...I got to think. I caught myself talking about people in my head. I now know that I can be very opinionated and I don't have to open my mouth to do it. I caught myself on numerous occassions talking "spit"...I am so glad I didn't say it out loud. I understand some of the things that irritate me and I understand some of the things I do that can irritate others. I also realized that a lot of talking is unnecessary-- simply done to hear my own voice. I'll try again-- This should be very interesting.

I hadn't blogged in 4ever

I almost forgot my login information. Well not really since it's my email login. But it feels like it has been ages. I love Spring and Summer. They are my favorite seasons. I get a little antsy and the exploration bug comes alive. I've pondered several questions over the past few weeks. Here are just a few:

Why do some straight people think there "marriages" are "better" or "different" from other relationships. I ran into an old co-worker and she said, "you're relationship is different from mine because I can't be around my husband that long. I need to get away from him sometimes." I took it as a compliment cuz I love being around my honey bear. Who needs to be in a relationship if you can't stand being around the other person? That's just ludicrous to me.

Why do parents think of their children always in age 5 mode? Some think that just because you are the child, you will always remain in "child mode". That's even more rediculous to me. I love that insurance commercial when the kids are asking for the keys to the car and curfew extension. Pops is looking at them in their pre-puberty state and they leave out of the house in teenage state. I love it.

I also thought about all of the times I lied to cover up my sexuality. It feels so good to be free and let that sin roll off my back.

And this isn't really a question, but more of a realization: We need more gay couples as friends. OMG! If I hear of another potluck, "game night" or "couples night" I might just scream. Especially since, I have no desire to hang out with a bunch of hetero couples. Not that there is anything wrong with them as individual couples, but get a bunch together and I just can't take it.

Ok! I think that is it for now. I hope you all have a wonderful evening!

Reflections

For the most part, I was spoiled rotten. I literally got almost everything I wanted growing up. They usually tried to show me affection with stuff they "bought" or "gave" me. Whenever I got in arguments with folk in my family, whatever was given to me was usually thrown in my face. "I bought you..." or "I made you..." Ugh.
Some stuff I didn't get because "we were fortunate". Other stuff I didn't get because it wasn't "proper". Other stuff, they just looked at me like "Whatever".

Like, I wanted this game - Trouble. When I went to the doctors office, I always played it. One Christmas, my uncle brought it home and had me wrap it up. I just knew it was for me. Christmas morning, I opened a pack of socks. Apparently, the Trouble game was for this girl at church who was "less fortunate" than we were. I didn't talk to her much after that-- I know. I said I was rotten. I couldn't have played it anyway- I am an only child.

Another time, I wanted a Chemistry set. Instead, I got a bicycle and typewriter. I was appreciative of both. I mean goodness, I can type my arse off and I love riding bikes. But I never got that Chemistry set-no matter how many times I circled it in the Big Wish Book. It wasn't a "girl" toy.

Once I got to high school, I wanted a car real bad. They just looked at me like - whatever girl. Since I rode the bus. I spent the better part of high school, figuring out ways to not ride the bus. LOL. From missing the bus in the morning, to participating in extracurricular activites after school...I tell you I probably rode the bus a full school year-in 4 years.

Now that I'm all grown up. Those same tricks of "buy me this to show me love" don't work. Now I need more than financial gain to feel appreciated, loved, and cared for. Oh, how I've grown up.

Untitled

I used to always get irritated by my father's side of my family because they were never affectionate towards me. I never got a hug from anybody. I didn't even meet him until I was like 11 or 12. I tried hanging out with my sister a few times afterwards. That didn't work.

My family would make me call him if I needed something. That didn't feel good. Because I felt like they would think all I wanted was money. But I didn't even want that. It was something my momma couldn't give me - thus I needed it. She was to proud to ask for it - so I had too.

They never came to anything - performances, graduations, birthdays'etc. And they were always invited.I actually despised my father for a long time because I never felt like he loved me. I was actually surprised a few weeks ago when I went to the Social Security office and his name was on my form. Hell, he didn't even sign my birth certificate.

On my momma's side, I couldn't get through the door without being hugged, pinched, or bitten on my fat cheeks. I had been socialized in this manner from birth. My Granny, has this talent of giving me what I want financially, but what I need emotionally. She knows when to give me a hug and when I need a dollar. She is balanced. She NEVER missed anything that I deemed important. She would take off work to come to chorus performances, awards day ceremonies, even band performances in high school. Maybe she is special- she had 6 kids, so she probably knows a thing or two. My girlfriend is a lot like her. They like some of the same things. It's kinda freaky. LOL.

But, I have always wanted to be just like her. Thus, I try to mirror some of her positive behaviors in my relationships: Encouragment, emotional support, financial support if possible. In college, my gf sang with the college choir. Although, I wasn't really into all of the music (a lot of it was foreign) I went to every on-campus performance. Off-campus performances were another story because they were all over. I didn't have a car and I couldn't just ride with them. But if they were on campus or a nearby church, I was there. I sat there, sometimes by myself, to show my support. Eventually, most of the music grew on me.

This is a problem -not in my relationship but with everyone else- because I always give.

If I see an opening, I try to fill it. Need a place to stay? We have an extra room. Hungry? Let me take you out to eat. Need money? How much, for what, and do you plan on paying it back? Notice it doesn't say, "When are you paying it back?" Stranded in another state? What's the address?

Do you see why this is such a problem?

I want to give, but I don't want to feel like I'm being taken advantage of. I don't want people around me who are only my friend because they know I will do anything for them. I want to be friends with people who have common interests, enjoy the company, great discussions and can have a good time. I want people around me who will support me in my endeavors and I in theres. My granny makes me feel good. My girlfriend makes me feel good. We have a 2 way street relationship. I am no longer in the cul-de-sac riding around the little circle. It's been fun...but I am a little bit to old for all of that.

********************
Yesterday, I awoke to Joyce Meyer saying, "Stop beating a dead horse. God showed you this a long time ago. It's time for you to move on." I was like -- WOOOOW! Joyce. Wow! Indeed he did.

An attack on love...

Some people find it hard to believe that I am and have no problem with religion/sexuality and that I actually call myself a christian.

Here's the thing: If I believe that 1. I am a child of God, 2. He knew me before I knew myself, and 3. That God created me in his image then I must believe that 1. I am loved, 2. This is no surprise to him, and 3. I am not the abomination that others try to make me out to be.

I believe that it is our responsibility to practice loving. God loved us so much that he gave his son's life for us. (This is what I believe, whatever your religion I am sure there is a similar ideology). In return, we should continue to pay that love forward. Love.

An attack on gay marriage is an attack on love. Shouldn't we want love in our society? Wouldn't love make our society better? Relationships stronger? Whether it is big love or small love, shouldn't we be encouraging healthy loving relationships in all of its forms--especially between consenting adults?

Wouldn't that make for a stronger America?

Maybe we should eliminate marriages all together. It isn't creating the desired results. It doesn't keep a relationship or family unit together. What it does is give people who get married, special rights (tax breaks, visitation rights, etc). Marriage doesn't create a family....it manages families.

As a matter of fact, marriage is not even talked about in the bible as a necessity. Let me hush, I do not think you all are ready for that conversation yet.

New campaign: No on Marriage, Yes on Love?

Yeah, I said it, now what?

The Gay Marriage Thing Part II

Marriage, Prop 8, Gay Marriage. Even though I am writing about it, and it is one topic that is seriously overdone, it didn't keep me from looking at the movie of the same title. It took me awhile to get the funds together (yes, $2 was that hard for me to come by) but it was well worth it!

"THE GAY MARRIAGE THING tells the stories behind the signs. Stories lived by people on both sides of the marriage debate. I chose quite deliberately to speak with people who did not agree with my life, let alone my opinion. People ask me if this was difficult. My answer is always a resounding yes. But that’s the point. True discussion and communication is often difficult. It is easy to ignore your opposer’s humanity while they ignore yours. It is less work to scream and shout than to take the time to find the right words to speak in a civil manner. It is less frightening to cover your ears and avoid hearing another’s story." (source: Stephanie Higgins)

That statement literally sent chills up and down my arms. This truth is so profound and and a foundation for engaging one another in true communication.

Check out the trailer:

I think this is a good time to add, although my mom and I have very different views on my life, I still love her and she still loves me. I guess she just won't be helping me to pick out my wedding dress. Oh well....naw let me take that back. Everyone is a critic, so I am sure she will have something to say about that too.