Why? Why me?

Growing up, I went to church pretty regularly. I was in the youth choir, went to Sunday school, very active in the youth department, girl scouts, and all of that good stuff. I was even in the gospel choir at school. The only times I missed services were graduation night, prom night, grad night celebration at Disney World, and if I was out of town or spending the night with someone who didn’t go to church. Essentially, church and God were a big part of my life. A lot of times in church, I tried to follow along, but I just didn’t get what the pastor was saying.

I stopped going to church sophomore or junior year of college. It was so different. Churches here are huge. They have different customs from what I was used to. Why did they send me tithing envelopes and I wasn’t even a member of the church? Why did they require that you attend new member orientation? What in the heck was an overflow room? (I really want to say why come.) Why was it a requirement to only date members of the church? Why do people “catch the spirit” on cue? Why are you asking people to put $10000 in the offering plate? What happened to just giving what you want to give? Then all of a sudden, every time you turned around someone was gay bashing. I am only actually describing 6 churches out of over 900. But they definitely put a bad taste in my mouth.

This year, I finally visited a church where I truly enjoy the service. It reminded me of my home church. They even have the same color scheme. It is about the same size. I especially love it because every time I go, the message seems to be specially tailored to my feelings, thoughts, and situations. I have been practicing not just listening to the message on that day, but also reflecting on the message and integrating it into my everyday life. I have been going through some “trials and tribulations” but I couldn’t figure out why. For a very long time, I have been seeking acceptance from people I shouldn’t have had to seek it from. Maya Angelou says, “People show you who they are, the first time. It is up to you to listen.” You would be amazed at the things I have done because I didn’t listen to people the first time they showed their tail with me. It made me really unhappy. Why me though? What was the lesson I was supposed to be learning?

Psalm 91: 1-2 (NKJV)
He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High
Shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.
I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress;
my God in him I will trust”.

I need to trust God. I only have to trust God. I have to relinquish my control over to him and trust that he orders my steps appropriately. All of the stuff I have been doing was in vain because it was aggressive, not producing the desired results, and not done in consultation with my higher power. The self was taking over…the scared gay girl who seeks financial security, but loves being creative let fear step in instead of God and had me working overtime in my head, instead of my heart. And although He did allow earthly parents to bring us here, we are His children.

Psalm 121: 1-2(NKJV)
I will lift up my eyes to the hills-
From whence comes my help?
My help comes from the Lord,
Who made heaven and earth.

My lesson: Instead of running to people, run to God.