Processing

I'm only writing when I feel moved to write. I hope that you still come around and send me emails. It's just that I can get so wrapped up on-line, that I don't accomplish the things I need to throughout the day. Plus, I don't want to fill your minds with garbage. And that's what I would be doing if I wrote everyday just for the sake of writing. I won't do that. I won't be using this blog to bash the world. There is enough of that going on already. I want this to be a place where I can process- you can process- we can process and move into a great place in our lives. I want to sow good seeds.

If you haven't noticed, lately I have been really processing my life. Defining my hopes and dreams while searching my heart for answers has been refreshing. Every few months I find out something wonderful about myself. But this time, I think it goes even deeper than just my normal processing.

The silence has helped the internal critic understand actions and desires more clearly. I am getting back to my roots; not the superficial stuff that everyone else thinks they know, but my authentic self that I haven't shown to many people- maybe no one but God. It's a cleansing. Year 30 is the year I cleanse and snatch and live the life I have long desired.

I was telling a friend, I feel as though I have leaped to year 45 in wisdom because I just have no time for nonsense anymore. I think middle-aged women are fascinating, because that is when they decide to live their life. I want to live my life now. I don't want to get caught up on that monotonous train of duty and obligation and miss the train to relaxation, fun, peace and enjoyment.

Until next time, have fun! ~ Tam

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I used to always get irritated by my father's side of my family because they were never affectionate towards me. I never got a hug from anybody. I didn't even meet him until I was like 11 or 12. I tried hanging out with my sister a few times afterwards. That didn't work.

My family would make me call him if I needed something. That didn't feel good. Because I felt like they would think all I wanted was money. But I didn't even want that. It was something my momma couldn't give me - thus I needed it. She was to proud to ask for it - so I had too.

They never came to anything - performances, graduations, birthdays'etc. And they were always invited.I actually despised my father for a long time because I never felt like he loved me. I was actually surprised a few weeks ago when I went to the Social Security office and his name was on my form. Hell, he didn't even sign my birth certificate.

On my momma's side, I couldn't get through the door without being hugged, pinched, or bitten on my fat cheeks. I had been socialized in this manner from birth. My Granny, has this talent of giving me what I want financially, but what I need emotionally. She knows when to give me a hug and when I need a dollar. She is balanced. She NEVER missed anything that I deemed important. She would take off work to come to chorus performances, awards day ceremonies, even band performances in high school. Maybe she is special- she had 6 kids, so she probably knows a thing or two. My girlfriend is a lot like her. They like some of the same things. It's kinda freaky. LOL.

But, I have always wanted to be just like her. Thus, I try to mirror some of her positive behaviors in my relationships: Encouragment, emotional support, financial support if possible. In college, my gf sang with the college choir. Although, I wasn't really into all of the music (a lot of it was foreign) I went to every on-campus performance. Off-campus performances were another story because they were all over. I didn't have a car and I couldn't just ride with them. But if they were on campus or a nearby church, I was there. I sat there, sometimes by myself, to show my support. Eventually, most of the music grew on me.

This is a problem -not in my relationship but with everyone else- because I always give.

If I see an opening, I try to fill it. Need a place to stay? We have an extra room. Hungry? Let me take you out to eat. Need money? How much, for what, and do you plan on paying it back? Notice it doesn't say, "When are you paying it back?" Stranded in another state? What's the address?

Do you see why this is such a problem?

I want to give, but I don't want to feel like I'm being taken advantage of. I don't want people around me who are only my friend because they know I will do anything for them. I want to be friends with people who have common interests, enjoy the company, great discussions and can have a good time. I want people around me who will support me in my endeavors and I in theres. My granny makes me feel good. My girlfriend makes me feel good. We have a 2 way street relationship. I am no longer in the cul-de-sac riding around the little circle. It's been fun...but I am a little bit to old for all of that.

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Yesterday, I awoke to Joyce Meyer saying, "Stop beating a dead horse. God showed you this a long time ago. It's time for you to move on." I was like -- WOOOOW! Joyce. Wow! Indeed he did.

Lessons Learned 2008-2009

Time is a great buffer. I have learned more lessons now than even the ones I thought I had learned at the beginning of the year. Here they are:

1. A dream won't come true if you don't a) really want it; b) believe it will come true; and c) put in the work to make it happen.

2. I write down my hopes, wishes, and desires. I took a look back over the last year and realized that it was a whole bunch of stuff that I thought I wanted that I could totally care less about.

For instance, I thought I wanted to keep my car for the rest of my life. It was going to be that junker that I drove anywhere I could. I put way too much money into trying to keep it running; all the while planning the next car I would buy. That was a contradiction. I should have let the car go a long time ago and bought the one I really wanted.

3. I also learned that it is totally okay to go against the norm. You would think I learned this lesson a long time ago but clearly I didn't. I spent a lot of time, money, and energy looking for a traditional job. And then God blesses me with a non-traditional job when that's what I wanted all along. LOL. So funny.

And finally I learned that God and the universe will provide all of my true wants, needs, and desires-the ones that I don't contradict myself on. And one that won't make much sense because there is so much that is behind it, but I don't have to control anything but my mind.

God is Love and Love is for Everyone

I made a commitment to read more blogs this year. I have been disheartened by the number of people who are questioning their salvation. My granny told me something awhile ago that I hold dear to me and I will share with you.

My granddaddy used to run around with some of everybody. It is rumored that I have aunts and uncles 15 years younger than me. It is rumored that my grandfather was abusive mentally, verbally, and physically to my granny, aunts & uncles, and my mom. Now I never saw evidence of abuse; but adultery, yes. Papa was a rolling stone.

My granny had men always approaching her in the grocery store, at church, in the laundromat. I was like, "get it". People frequently asked my grandma why she stayed with him. She knew the answer without even skipping a beat, "Because I am not going to hell for anyone. I love God, so I will obey him."

That was one of the most profound things I have ever heard her say. She did not let other people tell her how to live her life or serve God. Regardless of her circumstances, she loved God, and never waivered in her faith.

I learned from my granny that all I have to do is follow my own path. My relationship with God is personal and can not be dictated by anyone else. I learned love, joy, happiness, and comfort. I even learned that God doesn't care who you sleep with.God only cares that you love him and you give all glory and honor to him. Through prayer, meditation and studying the bible, I have found true happiness. This happiness can not be taken away from me; and it can't be taken away from you!

The Agenda

I don't make resolutions because I never stick with them. I starting making to-do lists or agendas if you will. They don't necessarily have a time frame, just stuff I really want to accomplish. With the new year less than 10 hours away, it's a good time for me to start dreaming.



This is the entrance to The Chocolate Spa at The Hotel Hershey. A weekend trip there would be nice. They have a chocolate massage that looks as if it is to die for. Hmmm. Relaxation to the fullest.

I also want to be more financially responsible. I can handle a budget, but it's the splurging because "I have to have it and I can afford it" bug that I have to get under control.

Writing has become central in my life. I want writing to be lucrative enough that it is the main job I have. I am already half way there--I am freelancing and I am an online writing tutor. So this is just getting easier and easier.

And last but not least, I see everything I want coming into fruition: home renovations, marriage equality, $$$$, more traveling, more appreciation, more gratitude, and so much happiness I wonder if I can take it all.

Gratitude 2008

So much happened this year. In a nutshell, here is what I am most grateful for:

Love. Family & Friends. Regine, Sinclaire,& Max! Linda Villarosa telling me to start blogging. Blogging. Blogger Initiative Summitt. Mike Rogers. Serena Freewomyn. Rod 2.0. Curve. Cathy Renna. Joy. Arts & Crafts. Kept me sane throughout the year. Deux Dames. Faith. Employment. Ruth's Chris. Printworks Bistro. The Greensboro Symphony. Writing. Deux Dames. Eclectic By Nature. The Gay Marriage Thing. Citi Cards. Leaving Citi Cards. Smarthinking.com. Village Tavern. Wilmington, NC. Secret getaways. Open Door Ministries. Queercents. Hope. The Secret. The Oak. Laughing babies. AND DREAMS.

I would've never guessed that this year would have gone like it did. But I wouldn't change one bit of it. I appreciate every bump, ditch, valley, and mountain. 2009 here I come.

An attack on love...

Some people find it hard to believe that I am and have no problem with religion/sexuality and that I actually call myself a christian.

Here's the thing: If I believe that 1. I am a child of God, 2. He knew me before I knew myself, and 3. That God created me in his image then I must believe that 1. I am loved, 2. This is no surprise to him, and 3. I am not the abomination that others try to make me out to be.

I believe that it is our responsibility to practice loving. God loved us so much that he gave his son's life for us. (This is what I believe, whatever your religion I am sure there is a similar ideology). In return, we should continue to pay that love forward. Love.

An attack on gay marriage is an attack on love. Shouldn't we want love in our society? Wouldn't love make our society better? Relationships stronger? Whether it is big love or small love, shouldn't we be encouraging healthy loving relationships in all of its forms--especially between consenting adults?

Wouldn't that make for a stronger America?

Maybe we should eliminate marriages all together. It isn't creating the desired results. It doesn't keep a relationship or family unit together. What it does is give people who get married, special rights (tax breaks, visitation rights, etc). Marriage doesn't create a family....it manages families.

As a matter of fact, marriage is not even talked about in the bible as a necessity. Let me hush, I do not think you all are ready for that conversation yet.

New campaign: No on Marriage, Yes on Love?

Yeah, I said it, now what?

LGBT Blogger Conference Day 2

Day 2 of the blogger conference started out talking about blogger activism, how the Prop 8 and Amendment 2 (Florida) campaigns were managed online, and then I participated in a diversity on the web workshop and how to become a citizen journalist. This was great for me since I do want to make writing a career and I learned a lot about how people think, motivating factors, and really just how much religion and diversity dominate the discussion around homosexuality.

What I learned:

People want to be heard.
It is time to stop operating in fear.
Black folk don't have a monopoly on diversity.
There are many different viewpoints in the LGBT community.
Attacking religion is not a good defense when discussing LGBT issues.
Language is key in communication. (In school they called it word choice)
There is room at the table for different voices. It's time for us to sit down.
It is important to take responsibility for your own actions. Stop the blame game.
There are many ways to do something, some lead to more positive results than others.

It was a great day. I saw so many people needing and wanting to express their love, it's just built up inside ready to burst open on humanity.

I gotta get this off my chest.....

I feel like I have dealt with this stuff already, but the fact that it is resurfacing tells me that I have not dealt with it as efficiently as first thought.

Today, on Tyra she talked to two women who decided it was best for them to find out how their families and friends thought about them and then they had a separate Truth Panel who essentially told it like it was without regards to feelings. The kicker was that the women were behind a two way mirror listening to everything.

One of the girls was really just depressed. I mean I could see that from jump. Tyra in her big sister way asks her when all of this started. She says when she lost her job (i can relate)...she was fired (I was too)...due to her performance ( mine was for? i could've been fired for being late to work everyday, but they said insubordination), from a job she absolutely loved ( i liked it a lot, i hated my supervisors). There is a lot here...so just bear with me a few.

At the same time I was in graduate school for a totally different field, working with lesbian health none the less. My mom came for graduation and like my life started to unravel from there. We got into a huge argument...I mean like atomic bomb huge. I stopped talking to her.

Work got worse after I got my degree, I guess I was too much now that I had a masters degree. Dare I ask for a raise (I didn't) or a different position (I didn't) or actually try to use my degree on the side (I didn't)-- but I could've. Maybe I did change. I don't know. I know I was trying to do my best but the higher ups were just so unsupportive. I asked for help (they used that against me). Shortly after that, I was fired.

Now this threw my world into a loop. I went from being financially secure to being....what...???? I wasn't talking to my momma. There was nothing I could do to get my job back. Everything I was told to do just made the situation worse and backfired. After it was all said and done I realized that my position was never secure. I was going to be eliminated one way or the other--regardless of my actions. That hurt. All of the energy, time, and money spent -- for what?

I collected unemployment for awhile...interviewed for a few positions most unsuccessfully. I started thinking about this looking at sister girl on Tyra. Her family was saying all of this awful stuff about her, but never to her face. And all of her actions stemmed from her being seriously depressed. They were more concerned about their feelings then about her actual health. Her depression was obvious. She drank a lot, she gained a lot of weight, her behavior was uncharacteristic of her.

My depression wasn't as visible. I kept a smile on my face, got dressed, was engaged with society. But sometimes my decisions didn't seem to be the best decisions...my plan didn't turn out so well. That made me think, my family is probably saying stuff about me as well, everyone always has something to say. Especially about where I should be applying for jobs. I had my life all mapped out before. I imagined retiring from that old job. I could see it, but apparently God has other plans. Every now and then someone will tell me to go work at Target or something like that...or come home. For goodness sakes, what makes people think I haven't applied at Target? I can't stand when people say that as if everyone gets hired in retail or fast food...they don't!

Since then I have worked in 2 unfulfilling jobs that I was damn near fired from...the 1st, I just wasn't given any more hours, the 2nd I wasn't good at manipulating people so I had to go(at least that's what my boss said damn near everyday.) I won't be making that mistake again. Talk about miserable. It's not fun. It doesn't feel good.

I have so much that I want out of life. I am rebounding, making stuff happen, am grateful for the little things, and moving forward. That's why you see some gratitude posts every now and then. I want to feel like that all of the time. I can go back and read them and I feel happy all over again. The law of attraction...I remember when whatever I wanted, I got...I spoke it into existence. I just had a negativity overload the past few years...and I am in detox mode right now. People don't understand that what they say to people effects them in unseen ways. You could say it in passing and it is stuck on them for a whole day or even a year. So practice positive speaking and positive thinking...to yourself and to others.

Now my goals in life are a little different and in the words of abg "telling all my business" has been my first step in therapy. I really need a counselor.

I'm so grateful...

I went to church today and it was so good. It is a traditional church, but the pastor their is so real and annointed. I did run into one person who had something to say about homosexuals, but heck my momma has too. But what comes from the mouth of the pastor is another story. I believe God sent me there because what he says, fills my spirit every single time.

Someone asked if I was advocating going to an affirming church, (Tami? was that you). I have been to an affirming church and it was affirming and very different. It was the first time that I actually felt comfortble with my sexuality, but at the same time I felt uncomfortable. We (friends) have had heated discussions why affirming churches are valid and needed versus traditional churches. But it is actually something in itself to get used too.

I think the best thing any one can do is just pray for guidance. Each experience is unique. So church, no church, affirming church totally up to you. I pray you receive what you seek. Have a blessed week.

A dream deferred...

So, yesterday was our anniversary. I was so surprised that my girlfriend...made dinner. I know, it sounds like...what? Dinner, that's all? But here me out.

First of all, she wanted to go to culinary school. She actually got accepted and they played with her financial aid...$40. Yes, $40 was all they gave her. So she took a step back but in the process she stopped cooking all together. And she can throw down. Now she only cooks like on holidays and even that is a rarity considering we go to other people's houses or someone else cooks at our house. I know. Sad. You probably wonder how we eat, if neither one of us cook...by the grace of God. LOL.

But last night, my baby threw it down, in more ways than one. ;-) She made pork steak, collard greens, and potatoes with onions. It was sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo delicious. I made sure that I saved some, because I wanted that meal to last. Actually it was a lot of food for only the two of us. Then she surprised me with my favorite candy: butterfinger and reese's peanut butter cups. I enjoyed my evening. Then we cuddled. It was sweet.

Why? Why me?

Growing up, I went to church pretty regularly. I was in the youth choir, went to Sunday school, very active in the youth department, girl scouts, and all of that good stuff. I was even in the gospel choir at school. The only times I missed services were graduation night, prom night, grad night celebration at Disney World, and if I was out of town or spending the night with someone who didn’t go to church. Essentially, church and God were a big part of my life. A lot of times in church, I tried to follow along, but I just didn’t get what the pastor was saying.

I stopped going to church sophomore or junior year of college. It was so different. Churches here are huge. They have different customs from what I was used to. Why did they send me tithing envelopes and I wasn’t even a member of the church? Why did they require that you attend new member orientation? What in the heck was an overflow room? (I really want to say why come.) Why was it a requirement to only date members of the church? Why do people “catch the spirit” on cue? Why are you asking people to put $10000 in the offering plate? What happened to just giving what you want to give? Then all of a sudden, every time you turned around someone was gay bashing. I am only actually describing 6 churches out of over 900. But they definitely put a bad taste in my mouth.

This year, I finally visited a church where I truly enjoy the service. It reminded me of my home church. They even have the same color scheme. It is about the same size. I especially love it because every time I go, the message seems to be specially tailored to my feelings, thoughts, and situations. I have been practicing not just listening to the message on that day, but also reflecting on the message and integrating it into my everyday life. I have been going through some “trials and tribulations” but I couldn’t figure out why. For a very long time, I have been seeking acceptance from people I shouldn’t have had to seek it from. Maya Angelou says, “People show you who they are, the first time. It is up to you to listen.” You would be amazed at the things I have done because I didn’t listen to people the first time they showed their tail with me. It made me really unhappy. Why me though? What was the lesson I was supposed to be learning?

Psalm 91: 1-2 (NKJV)
He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High
Shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.
I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress;
my God in him I will trust”.

I need to trust God. I only have to trust God. I have to relinquish my control over to him and trust that he orders my steps appropriately. All of the stuff I have been doing was in vain because it was aggressive, not producing the desired results, and not done in consultation with my higher power. The self was taking over…the scared gay girl who seeks financial security, but loves being creative let fear step in instead of God and had me working overtime in my head, instead of my heart. And although He did allow earthly parents to bring us here, we are His children.

Psalm 121: 1-2(NKJV)
I will lift up my eyes to the hills-
From whence comes my help?
My help comes from the Lord,
Who made heaven and earth.

My lesson: Instead of running to people, run to God.