I feel like I have dealt with this stuff already, but the fact that it is resurfacing tells me that I have not dealt with it as efficiently as first thought.
Today, on Tyra she talked to two women who decided it was best for them to find out how their families and friends thought about them and then they had a separate Truth Panel who essentially told it like it was without regards to feelings. The kicker was that the women were behind a two way mirror listening to everything.
One of the girls was really just depressed. I mean I could see that from jump. Tyra in her big sister way asks her when all of this started. She says when she lost her job (i can relate)...she was fired (I was too)...due to her performance ( mine was for? i could've been fired for being late to work everyday, but they said insubordination), from a job she absolutely loved ( i liked it a lot, i hated my supervisors). There is a lot here...so just bear with me a few.
At the same time I was in graduate school for a totally different field, working with lesbian health none the less. My mom came for graduation and like my life started to unravel from there. We got into a huge argument...I mean like atomic bomb huge. I stopped talking to her.
Work got worse after I got my degree, I guess I was too much now that I had a masters degree. Dare I ask for a raise (I didn't) or a different position (I didn't) or actually try to use my degree on the side (I didn't)-- but I could've. Maybe I did change. I don't know. I know I was trying to do my best but the higher ups were just so unsupportive. I asked for help (they used that against me). Shortly after that, I was fired.
Now this threw my world into a loop. I went from being financially secure to being....what...???? I wasn't talking to my momma. There was nothing I could do to get my job back. Everything I was told to do just made the situation worse and backfired. After it was all said and done I realized that my position was never secure. I was going to be eliminated one way or the other--regardless of my actions. That hurt. All of the energy, time, and money spent -- for what?
I collected unemployment for awhile...interviewed for a few positions most unsuccessfully. I started thinking about this looking at sister girl on Tyra. Her family was saying all of this awful stuff about her, but never to her face. And all of her actions stemmed from her being seriously depressed. They were more concerned about their feelings then about her actual health. Her depression was obvious. She drank a lot, she gained a lot of weight, her behavior was uncharacteristic of her.
My depression wasn't as visible. I kept a smile on my face, got dressed, was engaged with society. But sometimes my decisions didn't seem to be the best decisions...my plan didn't turn out so well. That made me think, my family is probably saying stuff about me as well, everyone always has something to say. Especially about where I should be applying for jobs. I had my life all mapped out before. I imagined retiring from that old job. I could see it, but apparently God has other plans. Every now and then someone will tell me to go work at Target or something like that...or come home. For goodness sakes, what makes people think I haven't applied at Target? I can't stand when people say that as if everyone gets hired in retail or fast food...they don't!
Since then I have worked in 2 unfulfilling jobs that I was damn near fired from...the 1st, I just wasn't given any more hours, the 2nd I wasn't good at manipulating people so I had to go(at least that's what my boss said damn near everyday.) I won't be making that mistake again. Talk about miserable. It's not fun. It doesn't feel good.
I have so much that I want out of life. I am rebounding, making stuff happen, am grateful for the little things, and moving forward. That's why you see some gratitude posts every now and then. I want to feel like that all of the time. I can go back and read them and I feel happy all over again. The law of attraction...I remember when whatever I wanted, I got...I spoke it into existence. I just had a negativity overload the past few years...and I am in detox mode right now. People don't understand that what they say to people effects them in unseen ways. You could say it in passing and it is stuck on them for a whole day or even a year. So practice positive speaking and positive thinking...to yourself and to others.
Now my goals in life are a little different and in the words of abg "telling all my business" has been my first step in therapy. I really need a counselor.
Oh yeah, I did see that show too. I hope you didn't get that depressed...
ReplyDeleteI was laid off last year. I was happy to go, I even made arrangements to have my date moved up. I didn't want to be there, but if they called me now, I'd be back in a second, lol. I didn't go through a depression, but I did (and still am) going through that whole cycle of finding a job that I really like and wanting to settle for just something. I applied at damn near every retail place I could think of and to those around me, I was being lazy. Just because I didn't share with them every disappointment I had about not getting phone calls. I decided to say fuck them, lol. I know my heart, I know my efforts and if they can't handle me at my worse, then they don't deserve me at my best. That was specifically for my ex...And tell your business...You'll end up with a bunch of counselors, lol
ReplyDeletei didn't see the show, but I understand how you feel. try not to worry too much about what people say. i know it's hard, but if we worry about everything people say it can drive a person nuts. case in point, ever since I bought my house in 2006, my brother always makes smart remarks about the market and the economy basically saying that I am (or will) struggle financially because I purchased the house. Mind you, my brother is 12 years older than me and he rents. Instead of trying to help me, he wants to tear me down with his words and hints. When I drove down to visit my grandmother one time (my brother was there visiting too) I took the van that I have instead of my new car. About a week later, people start hinting that I didn't drive my car because it had was repo'ed!! I was like WTF? I didn't drive it because I didn't want to, nor, did I want to put miles on the new car. I just let them think whatever they want to think at that point I realized that no matter what you do, people will have something to say. If we lived our lives based off of the opinions of people, we would be puppets. The umblical cord was cut at birth...we have no strings attached.
ReplyDeletei agree about positive thinking and speaking! as you said, i think writing is a form of therapy. ABG is right...keep posting and you will have a bunch of counselors (free ones)! lol
This post was a purge and I thank you all for listening and commenting...I couldn't hold on to that self doubt, those feelings of hurt, and be able to move on with my life. It was literally strangling my success in our new business. The one thing the law of attraction--the Secret--lets you know, is that it doesn't matter if you talk about it or not, it is still there effecting you.
ReplyDeleteMe talking about my momma on here has made our relationship a little better, its a release and therapeutic indeed.
I didn't get depressed yesterday, but the show did make me deal with it...I never acknowledged that I was depressed...I was doing some harmful things...just in the dark. I always feel like you have to acknowledge stuff in the open in order to move on. Like when I was in a bad relationship, I had to talk about it to get it out of my system. Doesn't mean I wanted to be back with the jackass or cared that we weren't together.
ABG--Ok! I feel you on that! That is a good attitude to have.
ReplyDeletePCS--I stopped listening to what others had to say long ago, because their reality is not my reality. After that, I was good.
With this situation, I had moved on in my head, but not in my heart...I had to release those emotions. Now I can walk in the flow of love, abundance, prosperity, and fulfillment.
Just think about it, everyday we get to do something we love...write, talk to people, and help others. Every post, whether you know it or not is affecting someone.
Sometimes telling your business is therapy because that's exactly what you're going to do when you go see a counselor. I've actually been to a counselor on a few occasions and that is what helped me open up. Since I've been opening up I feel so much more better. I'm a lot less depressed and upset. I've been told that I tell everything on my blog but, not really. I'm just glad that I can honestly talk about myself and not care. That's liberation and that's what I live for. Anywho, same thing kind of happened with me. I got laid off from my job back in May, which I had planned to quit during the summer to start my own business but, I guess the economy beat me to the punch. So I was forced to start my freelance writing business.Once I did it was booming and I was rolling in the dough. My mate at the time wasn't really supportive but, I kept at it. By the time the middle of summer arrived things slowed down, my grandmother got cancer, my relationship had too many issues and things just started going down hill. At one point I was so depressed I would sleep pretty much the whole day. So, I ended up getting into counseling made a few life decisions and now I'm good. It feels like everything happened for a reason because I am so happy now. So you never know. Sometimes we have to go through the storm to see sunshine.
ReplyDeleteSometimes people never know what the deal is and they are so quick to judge. I hope you're happy expressing yourself. I sometimes feel like I need someone to talk to...writing it all out right now though makes me happy.
ReplyDeleteMaybe I'm depressed too. Each time I bring up my past jobs, I get real angry. I haven't been let go from a position but I always felt like I've been driven to quit. In the beginning, they were good places for me, I felt like I was doing my best and then towards the end, I didn't want to be there. One of my jobs was so depressing that I started taking antidepressants. Isn't that awful? I was thinking that I should go to a therapist to really get things off my chest, just hadn't had the opportunity to do so. Acknowledging how you feel allows you to release the bad and open your spirit up to new and wonderful experiences. Glad that you shared...it's been somewhat therapeutic for me as well.
ReplyDeleteIt's hard for me to even write a comment, because I've been through my own times of sadness and depression. I used to be so down on myself when I was around my 20s because of my sexuality. It was something I knew was there but couldn't really deal with. But I knew I had to be happy. I couldn't keep wallowing in self-doubt. And even though I've worked through most of those issues, it doesn't mean I don't have my days. Things people say do affect me more than they realize. But end the end I have to know that I love myself, and they don't know my journey.
ReplyDeleteI think you have to realize that, too. Getting it out is helping you I can tell, as I keep reading more of your posts. I think we all help each other.