Detox Day!

I woke up late this morning. My shift at work starts at 9:30am. I woke up at 9:37am. Grant it, all I have to do is roll out of bed and to the computer, but this was not how I wanted to start my day. Once at the computer, it literally took me almost 2 hours to get logged in and ready to work. Errors were popping up, the screen kept freezing, and the essays would not download. (I critique essays and research papers.)

Then I realized, I had not been "grateful" or "feeling good". I need to change the way I am thinking. Who cares if I was tired. I shouldn't have stayed up so late. I should have taken that ibuprofen earlier in the night. I should have...you get the picture. Ultimately, I probably just wanted an excuse to not go to work. How lame is that?

I got my tax refund already, so all of my money worries are gone! I should be GRATEFUL beyond measure. Even though I don't have a car anymore, I live in a centrally located neighborhood and have good friends who look out for us.

But I also realized I have been taking in a large amount of garbage--ie negative crap. I have been watching the depressing ass news everyday. Yeah that's over with. If I wanted to be depressed, I would just go back to looking for a 9 to 5 job. I have been watching those court tv shows and gossip shows like tmz. Yeah enough of that too. Plus there are probably some residual feelings of contempt for people I argued with last week. Gotta get that out of my head!

After I get off work today, I plan on going into detox mode. How? LAUGHING MY A** OFF! Anything on you tube that is funny, I'll be watching it. I am going to put in my favorite movies: Rat Race and Last Holiday. Then I will blast the good music for the rest of the evening; whilst I write, sing, and dance. Anything that makes me feel good, I will be DOING! ;-) I should probably add some peanut butter and chocolate somewhere in this evening.

I gotta get this off my chest.....

I feel like I have dealt with this stuff already, but the fact that it is resurfacing tells me that I have not dealt with it as efficiently as first thought.

Today, on Tyra she talked to two women who decided it was best for them to find out how their families and friends thought about them and then they had a separate Truth Panel who essentially told it like it was without regards to feelings. The kicker was that the women were behind a two way mirror listening to everything.

One of the girls was really just depressed. I mean I could see that from jump. Tyra in her big sister way asks her when all of this started. She says when she lost her job (i can relate)...she was fired (I was too)...due to her performance ( mine was for? i could've been fired for being late to work everyday, but they said insubordination), from a job she absolutely loved ( i liked it a lot, i hated my supervisors). There is a lot here...so just bear with me a few.

At the same time I was in graduate school for a totally different field, working with lesbian health none the less. My mom came for graduation and like my life started to unravel from there. We got into a huge argument...I mean like atomic bomb huge. I stopped talking to her.

Work got worse after I got my degree, I guess I was too much now that I had a masters degree. Dare I ask for a raise (I didn't) or a different position (I didn't) or actually try to use my degree on the side (I didn't)-- but I could've. Maybe I did change. I don't know. I know I was trying to do my best but the higher ups were just so unsupportive. I asked for help (they used that against me). Shortly after that, I was fired.

Now this threw my world into a loop. I went from being financially secure to being....what...???? I wasn't talking to my momma. There was nothing I could do to get my job back. Everything I was told to do just made the situation worse and backfired. After it was all said and done I realized that my position was never secure. I was going to be eliminated one way or the other--regardless of my actions. That hurt. All of the energy, time, and money spent -- for what?

I collected unemployment for awhile...interviewed for a few positions most unsuccessfully. I started thinking about this looking at sister girl on Tyra. Her family was saying all of this awful stuff about her, but never to her face. And all of her actions stemmed from her being seriously depressed. They were more concerned about their feelings then about her actual health. Her depression was obvious. She drank a lot, she gained a lot of weight, her behavior was uncharacteristic of her.

My depression wasn't as visible. I kept a smile on my face, got dressed, was engaged with society. But sometimes my decisions didn't seem to be the best decisions...my plan didn't turn out so well. That made me think, my family is probably saying stuff about me as well, everyone always has something to say. Especially about where I should be applying for jobs. I had my life all mapped out before. I imagined retiring from that old job. I could see it, but apparently God has other plans. Every now and then someone will tell me to go work at Target or something like that...or come home. For goodness sakes, what makes people think I haven't applied at Target? I can't stand when people say that as if everyone gets hired in retail or fast food...they don't!

Since then I have worked in 2 unfulfilling jobs that I was damn near fired from...the 1st, I just wasn't given any more hours, the 2nd I wasn't good at manipulating people so I had to go(at least that's what my boss said damn near everyday.) I won't be making that mistake again. Talk about miserable. It's not fun. It doesn't feel good.

I have so much that I want out of life. I am rebounding, making stuff happen, am grateful for the little things, and moving forward. That's why you see some gratitude posts every now and then. I want to feel like that all of the time. I can go back and read them and I feel happy all over again. The law of attraction...I remember when whatever I wanted, I got...I spoke it into existence. I just had a negativity overload the past few years...and I am in detox mode right now. People don't understand that what they say to people effects them in unseen ways. You could say it in passing and it is stuck on them for a whole day or even a year. So practice positive speaking and positive thinking...to yourself and to others.

Now my goals in life are a little different and in the words of abg "telling all my business" has been my first step in therapy. I really need a counselor.

Sometimes.... I feel....

like a motherless child. Now this statement is so not true. But it seems every morning I wake up with a song in my head. Well maybe it is true in some respect, just not this morning.

I feel a lot better though. Rest. I just needed a little rest--mentally and physically. I have the propensity to overwork myself, but hey when all of my hopes and dreams are invested in something...I tend to get a little crazy stressed and my immune system shuts down.

It was nice and sunny yesterday, so I went to church (great service), took some pictures of the purses (great pictures in natural light versus artificial flash), and watched some movies (Old School & What's the Worst That Could Happen--funny).

We forgot to get the USB cord for the camera, so still no pics uploaded. But that will be remedied soon. BTW I didn't actually write that post on Saturday, I started it on Saturday.

Anyway, I have a busy day ahead, so I will probably post again later tonight. TTYL.