I'm only writing when I feel moved to write. I hope that you still come around and send me emails. It's just that I can get so wrapped up on-line, that I don't accomplish the things I need to throughout the day. Plus, I don't want to fill your minds with garbage. And that's what I would be doing if I wrote everyday just for the sake of writing. I won't do that. I won't be using this blog to bash the world. There is enough of that going on already. I want this to be a place where I can process- you can process- we can process and move into a great place in our lives. I want to sow good seeds.
If you haven't noticed, lately I have been really processing my life. Defining my hopes and dreams while searching my heart for answers has been refreshing. Every few months I find out something wonderful about myself. But this time, I think it goes even deeper than just my normal processing.
The silence has helped the internal critic understand actions and desires more clearly. I am getting back to my roots; not the superficial stuff that everyone else thinks they know, but my authentic self that I haven't shown to many people- maybe no one but God. It's a cleansing. Year 30 is the year I cleanse and snatch and live the life I have long desired.
I was telling a friend, I feel as though I have leaped to year 45 in wisdom because I just have no time for nonsense anymore. I think middle-aged women are fascinating, because that is when they decide to live their life. I want to live my life now. I don't want to get caught up on that monotonous train of duty and obligation and miss the train to relaxation, fun, peace and enjoyment.
Until next time, have fun! ~ Tam
Showing posts with label positive thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label positive thoughts. Show all posts
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Friday, June 12, 2009
Thinking, Thinking, Thinking
On several different occasions, I said to myself, "I am going to practice silence today." Only to wake up and immediately start talking. I mean goodness, who knew a person could talk so much. But I've been having really strange dreams this week so I really wanted to get inside my head and analyze.
I don't remember all of the one from last night, but one man in particular had a hit out on me. I don't know how much the people were getting paid, but they were very persistent. The wife of the person who paid for the hit let me know when and where the hit was taking place. So I was able to escape 2 or 3 times. This dream had my anxiety up a few notches. It wasn't as bad as some of the other dreams, but goodness who wants to be shot at with machine guns while trying to rest. The craziest thing about it was the wife made it seem like the man did this on a regular basis. LOL, that is funny to me now. She knew his exact M-O.
Today, I thought about being silent and went against it. Then I started to read another book and silence fell upon me. It is so peaceful. My stress levels have dropped a few meters. I can think clearly. Everything I have been trying to work out in my head just seems so easy.
Anne LeClaire, the author of the book, Listening Below the Noise, suggests making some of your daily chores into moments of silence. Take it as a time to reflect. I began to think about my Granny.
In particular, I thought about her sitting in the kitchen making potato salad.(I am craving hers right now!) Many people just cook and peel the potatoes, add the seasonings, and everything else. My granny's process is a little more methodical. It's a production- boil the potatoes; boil the eggs; peel the potatoes; peel the eggs; remove the yolk from the eggs; dice the potatoes, onions, celery and egg whites into small squares; add the relish,mustard, and secret ingredients. She would then taste it, correct the flavor, add mayo, and finish off the salad in a nice bowl with pretty garnish.
All the while she's silent. She rarely talked while cooking. She seems so focused and intent on the food. I never thought, until now, that she could have been doing some serious thinking, rationalizing, and meditating. She is always so calm, cool, and collected you wouldn't think she had a worry in the world.
With my anxiety level lower, I am a better girlfriend. I am a better friend. I am a better business partner. I am a better person- period. I thought this "silence" would be a one time or unscheduled thing. I am beginning to thing otherwise. I need to do this. I feel centered, focused, refreshed-- and it's only been a couple of hours.
I don't remember all of the one from last night, but one man in particular had a hit out on me. I don't know how much the people were getting paid, but they were very persistent. The wife of the person who paid for the hit let me know when and where the hit was taking place. So I was able to escape 2 or 3 times. This dream had my anxiety up a few notches. It wasn't as bad as some of the other dreams, but goodness who wants to be shot at with machine guns while trying to rest. The craziest thing about it was the wife made it seem like the man did this on a regular basis. LOL, that is funny to me now. She knew his exact M-O.
Today, I thought about being silent and went against it. Then I started to read another book and silence fell upon me. It is so peaceful. My stress levels have dropped a few meters. I can think clearly. Everything I have been trying to work out in my head just seems so easy.
Anne LeClaire, the author of the book, Listening Below the Noise, suggests making some of your daily chores into moments of silence. Take it as a time to reflect. I began to think about my Granny.
In particular, I thought about her sitting in the kitchen making potato salad.(I am craving hers right now!) Many people just cook and peel the potatoes, add the seasonings, and everything else. My granny's process is a little more methodical. It's a production- boil the potatoes; boil the eggs; peel the potatoes; peel the eggs; remove the yolk from the eggs; dice the potatoes, onions, celery and egg whites into small squares; add the relish,mustard, and secret ingredients. She would then taste it, correct the flavor, add mayo, and finish off the salad in a nice bowl with pretty garnish.
All the while she's silent. She rarely talked while cooking. She seems so focused and intent on the food. I never thought, until now, that she could have been doing some serious thinking, rationalizing, and meditating. She is always so calm, cool, and collected you wouldn't think she had a worry in the world.
With my anxiety level lower, I am a better girlfriend. I am a better friend. I am a better business partner. I am a better person- period. I thought this "silence" would be a one time or unscheduled thing. I am beginning to thing otherwise. I need to do this. I feel centered, focused, refreshed-- and it's only been a couple of hours.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
New Beginning
I tried but did not make it to church this morning. Consequently, I was a good bedside Baptist. The message centered around the purpose of the death of Christ. This led me to draw a few conclusions and enter into dialogue with the other love of my life. Here are our findings: Christ died on the cross for all of our sins. (We all knew this.) Thus, we should not be burdened daily about sin and being a sinner. That's what his death was for. Remember, that the bible states that we are born into sin. So how can we keep saying this person or that group is full of sinners if we are all born as such? His death was to take away this label and for us to live a fulfilled life. Not a life of pain and suffering. Furthermore, happiness and the spreading of joy is our job. Are you spreading joy or misery and pain? Make the decision to spread joy, love, and peace. Also, stop allowing others to determine what your happiness is and what it looks like. We must look within ourselves for that determination.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Lessons Learned 2008-2009
Time is a great buffer. I have learned more lessons now than even the ones I thought I had learned at the beginning of the year. Here they are:
1. A dream won't come true if you don't a) really want it; b) believe it will come true; and c) put in the work to make it happen.
2. I write down my hopes, wishes, and desires. I took a look back over the last year and realized that it was a whole bunch of stuff that I thought I wanted that I could totally care less about.
For instance, I thought I wanted to keep my car for the rest of my life. It was going to be that junker that I drove anywhere I could. I put way too much money into trying to keep it running; all the while planning the next car I would buy. That was a contradiction. I should have let the car go a long time ago and bought the one I really wanted.
3. I also learned that it is totally okay to go against the norm. You would think I learned this lesson a long time ago but clearly I didn't. I spent a lot of time, money, and energy looking for a traditional job. And then God blesses me with a non-traditional job when that's what I wanted all along. LOL. So funny.
And finally I learned that God and the universe will provide all of my true wants, needs, and desires-the ones that I don't contradict myself on. And one that won't make much sense because there is so much that is behind it, but I don't have to control anything but my mind.
1. A dream won't come true if you don't a) really want it; b) believe it will come true; and c) put in the work to make it happen.
2. I write down my hopes, wishes, and desires. I took a look back over the last year and realized that it was a whole bunch of stuff that I thought I wanted that I could totally care less about.
For instance, I thought I wanted to keep my car for the rest of my life. It was going to be that junker that I drove anywhere I could. I put way too much money into trying to keep it running; all the while planning the next car I would buy. That was a contradiction. I should have let the car go a long time ago and bought the one I really wanted.
3. I also learned that it is totally okay to go against the norm. You would think I learned this lesson a long time ago but clearly I didn't. I spent a lot of time, money, and energy looking for a traditional job. And then God blesses me with a non-traditional job when that's what I wanted all along. LOL. So funny.
And finally I learned that God and the universe will provide all of my true wants, needs, and desires-the ones that I don't contradict myself on. And one that won't make much sense because there is so much that is behind it, but I don't have to control anything but my mind.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
God is Love and Love is for Everyone
I made a commitment to read more blogs this year. I have been disheartened by the number of people who are questioning their salvation. My granny told me something awhile ago that I hold dear to me and I will share with you.
My granddaddy used to run around with some of everybody. It is rumored that I have aunts and uncles 15 years younger than me. It is rumored that my grandfather was abusive mentally, verbally, and physically to my granny, aunts & uncles, and my mom. Now I never saw evidence of abuse; but adultery, yes. Papa was a rolling stone.
My granny had men always approaching her in the grocery store, at church, in the laundromat. I was like, "get it". People frequently asked my grandma why she stayed with him. She knew the answer without even skipping a beat, "Because I am not going to hell for anyone. I love God, so I will obey him."
That was one of the most profound things I have ever heard her say. She did not let other people tell her how to live her life or serve God. Regardless of her circumstances, she loved God, and never waivered in her faith.
I learned from my granny that all I have to do is follow my own path. My relationship with God is personal and can not be dictated by anyone else. I learned love, joy, happiness, and comfort. I even learned that God doesn't care who you sleep with.God only cares that you love him and you give all glory and honor to him. Through prayer, meditation and studying the bible, I have found true happiness. This happiness can not be taken away from me; and it can't be taken away from you!
My granddaddy used to run around with some of everybody. It is rumored that I have aunts and uncles 15 years younger than me. It is rumored that my grandfather was abusive mentally, verbally, and physically to my granny, aunts & uncles, and my mom. Now I never saw evidence of abuse; but adultery, yes. Papa was a rolling stone.
My granny had men always approaching her in the grocery store, at church, in the laundromat. I was like, "get it". People frequently asked my grandma why she stayed with him. She knew the answer without even skipping a beat, "Because I am not going to hell for anyone. I love God, so I will obey him."
That was one of the most profound things I have ever heard her say. She did not let other people tell her how to live her life or serve God. Regardless of her circumstances, she loved God, and never waivered in her faith.
I learned from my granny that all I have to do is follow my own path. My relationship with God is personal and can not be dictated by anyone else. I learned love, joy, happiness, and comfort. I even learned that God doesn't care who you sleep with.God only cares that you love him and you give all glory and honor to him. Through prayer, meditation and studying the bible, I have found true happiness. This happiness can not be taken away from me; and it can't be taken away from you!
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Detox Day!
I woke up late this morning. My shift at work starts at 9:30am. I woke up at 9:37am. Grant it, all I have to do is roll out of bed and to the computer, but this was not how I wanted to start my day. Once at the computer, it literally took me almost 2 hours to get logged in and ready to work. Errors were popping up, the screen kept freezing, and the essays would not download. (I critique essays and research papers.)
Then I realized, I had not been "grateful" or "feeling good". I need to change the way I am thinking. Who cares if I was tired. I shouldn't have stayed up so late. I should have taken that ibuprofen earlier in the night. I should have...you get the picture. Ultimately, I probably just wanted an excuse to not go to work. How lame is that?
I got my tax refund already, so all of my money worries are gone! I should be GRATEFUL beyond measure. Even though I don't have a car anymore, I live in a centrally located neighborhood and have good friends who look out for us.
But I also realized I have been taking in a large amount of garbage--ie negative crap. I have been watching the depressing ass news everyday. Yeah that's over with. If I wanted to be depressed, I would just go back to looking for a 9 to 5 job. I have been watching those court tv shows and gossip shows like tmz. Yeah enough of that too. Plus there are probably some residual feelings of contempt for people I argued with last week. Gotta get that out of my head!
After I get off work today, I plan on going into detox mode. How? LAUGHING MY A** OFF! Anything on you tube that is funny, I'll be watching it. I am going to put in my favorite movies: Rat Race and Last Holiday. Then I will blast the good music for the rest of the evening; whilst I write, sing, and dance. Anything that makes me feel good, I will be DOING! ;-) I should probably add some peanut butter and chocolate somewhere in this evening.
Then I realized, I had not been "grateful" or "feeling good". I need to change the way I am thinking. Who cares if I was tired. I shouldn't have stayed up so late. I should have taken that ibuprofen earlier in the night. I should have...you get the picture. Ultimately, I probably just wanted an excuse to not go to work. How lame is that?
I got my tax refund already, so all of my money worries are gone! I should be GRATEFUL beyond measure. Even though I don't have a car anymore, I live in a centrally located neighborhood and have good friends who look out for us.
But I also realized I have been taking in a large amount of garbage--ie negative crap. I have been watching the depressing ass news everyday. Yeah that's over with. If I wanted to be depressed, I would just go back to looking for a 9 to 5 job. I have been watching those court tv shows and gossip shows like tmz. Yeah enough of that too. Plus there are probably some residual feelings of contempt for people I argued with last week. Gotta get that out of my head!
After I get off work today, I plan on going into detox mode. How? LAUGHING MY A** OFF! Anything on you tube that is funny, I'll be watching it. I am going to put in my favorite movies: Rat Race and Last Holiday. Then I will blast the good music for the rest of the evening; whilst I write, sing, and dance. Anything that makes me feel good, I will be DOING! ;-) I should probably add some peanut butter and chocolate somewhere in this evening.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
I got another job....
I interviewed for this job back in October. Tuesday I got a call to see if I was still interested. I told you all about it...I had to do a presentation and I did mine on napkin folding. I don't think I ever did put up those pictures. But here's another part-time job. Hey don't 2 part time jobs make a full time job? YAY! I start training today, so I will let you know how it goes.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
The Agenda
I don't make resolutions because I never stick with them. I starting making to-do lists or agendas if you will. They don't necessarily have a time frame, just stuff I really want to accomplish. With the new year less than 10 hours away, it's a good time for me to start dreaming.
This is the entrance to The Chocolate Spa at The Hotel Hershey. A weekend trip there would be nice. They have a chocolate massage that looks as if it is to die for. Hmmm. Relaxation to the fullest.
I also want to be more financially responsible. I can handle a budget, but it's the splurging because "I have to have it and I can afford it" bug that I have to get under control.
Writing has become central in my life. I want writing to be lucrative enough that it is the main job I have. I am already half way there--I am freelancing and I am an online writing tutor. So this is just getting easier and easier.
And last but not least, I see everything I want coming into fruition: home renovations, marriage equality, $$$$, more traveling, more appreciation, more gratitude, and so much happiness I wonder if I can take it all.
This is the entrance to The Chocolate Spa at The Hotel Hershey. A weekend trip there would be nice. They have a chocolate massage that looks as if it is to die for. Hmmm. Relaxation to the fullest.
I also want to be more financially responsible. I can handle a budget, but it's the splurging because "I have to have it and I can afford it" bug that I have to get under control.
Writing has become central in my life. I want writing to be lucrative enough that it is the main job I have. I am already half way there--I am freelancing and I am an online writing tutor. So this is just getting easier and easier.
And last but not least, I see everything I want coming into fruition: home renovations, marriage equality, $$$$, more traveling, more appreciation, more gratitude, and so much happiness I wonder if I can take it all.
Gratitude 2008
So much happened this year. In a nutshell, here is what I am most grateful for:
Love. Family & Friends. Regine, Sinclaire,& Max! Linda Villarosa telling me to start blogging. Blogging. Blogger Initiative Summitt. Mike Rogers. Serena Freewomyn. Rod 2.0. Curve. Cathy Renna. Joy. Arts & Crafts. Kept me sane throughout the year. Deux Dames. Faith. Employment. Ruth's Chris. Printworks Bistro. The Greensboro Symphony. Writing. Deux Dames. Eclectic By Nature. The Gay Marriage Thing. Citi Cards. Leaving Citi Cards. Smarthinking.com. Village Tavern. Wilmington, NC. Secret getaways. Open Door Ministries. Queercents. Hope. The Secret. The Oak. Laughing babies. AND DREAMS.
I would've never guessed that this year would have gone like it did. But I wouldn't change one bit of it. I appreciate every bump, ditch, valley, and mountain. 2009 here I come.
Love. Family & Friends. Regine, Sinclaire,& Max! Linda Villarosa telling me to start blogging. Blogging. Blogger Initiative Summitt. Mike Rogers. Serena Freewomyn. Rod 2.0. Curve. Cathy Renna. Joy. Arts & Crafts. Kept me sane throughout the year. Deux Dames. Faith. Employment. Ruth's Chris. Printworks Bistro. The Greensboro Symphony. Writing. Deux Dames. Eclectic By Nature. The Gay Marriage Thing. Citi Cards. Leaving Citi Cards. Smarthinking.com. Village Tavern. Wilmington, NC. Secret getaways. Open Door Ministries. Queercents. Hope. The Secret. The Oak. Laughing babies. AND DREAMS.
I would've never guessed that this year would have gone like it did. But I wouldn't change one bit of it. I appreciate every bump, ditch, valley, and mountain. 2009 here I come.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
No More Drama
Yeah, Mary J Blige. I love her. If you look at her career, it's been a ride. If she hadn't told us what she was going through, we probably wouldn't have ever known. I was thinking, wow she has truly grown up. I mean she says she had some toxic people around her and toxic behaviors abounded. She eliminitated the toxins from her life and look at her now. I mean she probably still has issues right? Everyone does.
But what is important is how she looks at her life now. She's happy for the little things and the big things.
So that's basically what I have been doing through the gratitude posts: eliminating toxins from my life. If you look at this blog in the beginning until now...I have grown. You may not be able to see that, but I have. Trying to figure out what to write about is one thing, but dealing with other people's emotions is quite another. So I had to let some people go and realize that it's not always about me!
When people say silly s&*t it is about them and their insecurities. People who have issues with gay marriage have an issue with their marriage or the lack thereof. When your parents nag you about your life or your friends criticize it's because they don't like what is going on with them. I was sitting here reading other people's blogs and realized that we are all going through the same sh*t...and for what? Like my family always had something to say about my hair. Why? Because there hair wasn't as long as mine, as thick as mine, and they wanted hair just like mine in it's relaxed state. But I am cool without a relaxer, so I will remain natural.
Our emotions can only be toyed with if we allow it. I am tired of playing games and feeding into other people's insecurities. Screw 'em. If somebody doesn't like what you do or say, Screw 'em. If they don't like who you are sleeping with this week, screw them too! If your life doesn't fit there little playbook...tell em ... that's right screw you...I really want to say the F word...but I am trying to eliminate it from my vocabulary.
2008 is coming to an end and it is high time to decide to live your life for you. Stop getting caught up in this everyday drama from the outside sources (news, other people, etc.). Have you made your "easy life" to-do list for 2009-2013, not a resolution...they never get done, but how about a 4 year plan?
But what is important is how she looks at her life now. She's happy for the little things and the big things.
So that's basically what I have been doing through the gratitude posts: eliminating toxins from my life. If you look at this blog in the beginning until now...I have grown. You may not be able to see that, but I have. Trying to figure out what to write about is one thing, but dealing with other people's emotions is quite another. So I had to let some people go and realize that it's not always about me!
When people say silly s&*t it is about them and their insecurities. People who have issues with gay marriage have an issue with their marriage or the lack thereof. When your parents nag you about your life or your friends criticize it's because they don't like what is going on with them. I was sitting here reading other people's blogs and realized that we are all going through the same sh*t...and for what? Like my family always had something to say about my hair. Why? Because there hair wasn't as long as mine, as thick as mine, and they wanted hair just like mine in it's relaxed state. But I am cool without a relaxer, so I will remain natural.
Our emotions can only be toyed with if we allow it. I am tired of playing games and feeding into other people's insecurities. Screw 'em. If somebody doesn't like what you do or say, Screw 'em. If they don't like who you are sleeping with this week, screw them too! If your life doesn't fit there little playbook...tell em ... that's right screw you...I really want to say the F word...but I am trying to eliminate it from my vocabulary.
2008 is coming to an end and it is high time to decide to live your life for you. Stop getting caught up in this everyday drama from the outside sources (news, other people, etc.). Have you made your "easy life" to-do list for 2009-2013, not a resolution...they never get done, but how about a 4 year plan?
Friday, December 5, 2008
Gratefulness
I am so grateful that:
I have the opportunity to work from home doing something that I'm competent doing.
I have the opportunity to learn more bout blogging and my role
in the blogosphere.
I am staying at my favorite hotel.
A digital camera just popped up. Thank you Lord.
The new website is going to be very beautiful.
I have love.
She comforts me and makes me sane.
I have the opportunity to work from home doing something that I'm competent doing.
I have the opportunity to learn more bout blogging and my role
in the blogosphere.
I am staying at my favorite hotel.
A digital camera just popped up. Thank you Lord.
The new website is going to be very beautiful.
I have love.
She comforts me and makes me sane.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
I'm so grateful...
that I have you all to talk too. I mean my life has changed so much in the last few days.
that Thanksgiving dinner was better than expected. I had some banging sweet potatoe pie...and I am still full. I don't really need to eat for the next few days. Seriously.
that unexpected miracles keep happening. I am just going with the flow of this prosperity and abundance. I am so so grateful...I will blog about these as they develop further.
that I have great friends, great family, and serve a great God.
that it has been warm for the last few days. No super duper cold for the holiday...Yeah!
that I have dreams...that no one can take from me, that I know I will accomplish.
that Thanksgiving dinner was better than expected. I had some banging sweet potatoe pie...and I am still full. I don't really need to eat for the next few days. Seriously.
that unexpected miracles keep happening. I am just going with the flow of this prosperity and abundance. I am so so grateful...I will blog about these as they develop further.
that I have great friends, great family, and serve a great God.
that it has been warm for the last few days. No super duper cold for the holiday...Yeah!
that I have dreams...that no one can take from me, that I know I will accomplish.
Monday, November 24, 2008
I gotta get this off my chest.....
I feel like I have dealt with this stuff already, but the fact that it is resurfacing tells me that I have not dealt with it as efficiently as first thought.
Today, on Tyra she talked to two women who decided it was best for them to find out how their families and friends thought about them and then they had a separate Truth Panel who essentially told it like it was without regards to feelings. The kicker was that the women were behind a two way mirror listening to everything.
One of the girls was really just depressed. I mean I could see that from jump. Tyra in her big sister way asks her when all of this started. She says when she lost her job (i can relate)...she was fired (I was too)...due to her performance ( mine was for? i could've been fired for being late to work everyday, but they said insubordination), from a job she absolutely loved ( i liked it a lot, i hated my supervisors). There is a lot here...so just bear with me a few.
At the same time I was in graduate school for a totally different field, working with lesbian health none the less. My mom came for graduation and like my life started to unravel from there. We got into a huge argument...I mean like atomic bomb huge. I stopped talking to her.
Work got worse after I got my degree, I guess I was too much now that I had a masters degree. Dare I ask for a raise (I didn't) or a different position (I didn't) or actually try to use my degree on the side (I didn't)-- but I could've. Maybe I did change. I don't know. I know I was trying to do my best but the higher ups were just so unsupportive. I asked for help (they used that against me). Shortly after that, I was fired.
Now this threw my world into a loop. I went from being financially secure to being....what...???? I wasn't talking to my momma. There was nothing I could do to get my job back. Everything I was told to do just made the situation worse and backfired. After it was all said and done I realized that my position was never secure. I was going to be eliminated one way or the other--regardless of my actions. That hurt. All of the energy, time, and money spent -- for what?
I collected unemployment for awhile...interviewed for a few positions most unsuccessfully. I started thinking about this looking at sister girl on Tyra. Her family was saying all of this awful stuff about her, but never to her face. And all of her actions stemmed from her being seriously depressed. They were more concerned about their feelings then about her actual health. Her depression was obvious. She drank a lot, she gained a lot of weight, her behavior was uncharacteristic of her.
My depression wasn't as visible. I kept a smile on my face, got dressed, was engaged with society. But sometimes my decisions didn't seem to be the best decisions...my plan didn't turn out so well. That made me think, my family is probably saying stuff about me as well, everyone always has something to say. Especially about where I should be applying for jobs. I had my life all mapped out before. I imagined retiring from that old job. I could see it, but apparently God has other plans. Every now and then someone will tell me to go work at Target or something like that...or come home. For goodness sakes, what makes people think I haven't applied at Target? I can't stand when people say that as if everyone gets hired in retail or fast food...they don't!
Since then I have worked in 2 unfulfilling jobs that I was damn near fired from...the 1st, I just wasn't given any more hours, the 2nd I wasn't good at manipulating people so I had to go(at least that's what my boss said damn near everyday.) I won't be making that mistake again. Talk about miserable. It's not fun. It doesn't feel good.
I have so much that I want out of life. I am rebounding, making stuff happen, am grateful for the little things, and moving forward. That's why you see some gratitude posts every now and then. I want to feel like that all of the time. I can go back and read them and I feel happy all over again. The law of attraction...I remember when whatever I wanted, I got...I spoke it into existence. I just had a negativity overload the past few years...and I am in detox mode right now. People don't understand that what they say to people effects them in unseen ways. You could say it in passing and it is stuck on them for a whole day or even a year. So practice positive speaking and positive thinking...to yourself and to others.
Now my goals in life are a little different and in the words of abg "telling all my business" has been my first step in therapy. I really need a counselor.
Today, on Tyra she talked to two women who decided it was best for them to find out how their families and friends thought about them and then they had a separate Truth Panel who essentially told it like it was without regards to feelings. The kicker was that the women were behind a two way mirror listening to everything.
One of the girls was really just depressed. I mean I could see that from jump. Tyra in her big sister way asks her when all of this started. She says when she lost her job (i can relate)...she was fired (I was too)...due to her performance ( mine was for? i could've been fired for being late to work everyday, but they said insubordination), from a job she absolutely loved ( i liked it a lot, i hated my supervisors). There is a lot here...so just bear with me a few.
At the same time I was in graduate school for a totally different field, working with lesbian health none the less. My mom came for graduation and like my life started to unravel from there. We got into a huge argument...I mean like atomic bomb huge. I stopped talking to her.
Work got worse after I got my degree, I guess I was too much now that I had a masters degree. Dare I ask for a raise (I didn't) or a different position (I didn't) or actually try to use my degree on the side (I didn't)-- but I could've. Maybe I did change. I don't know. I know I was trying to do my best but the higher ups were just so unsupportive. I asked for help (they used that against me). Shortly after that, I was fired.
Now this threw my world into a loop. I went from being financially secure to being....what...???? I wasn't talking to my momma. There was nothing I could do to get my job back. Everything I was told to do just made the situation worse and backfired. After it was all said and done I realized that my position was never secure. I was going to be eliminated one way or the other--regardless of my actions. That hurt. All of the energy, time, and money spent -- for what?
I collected unemployment for awhile...interviewed for a few positions most unsuccessfully. I started thinking about this looking at sister girl on Tyra. Her family was saying all of this awful stuff about her, but never to her face. And all of her actions stemmed from her being seriously depressed. They were more concerned about their feelings then about her actual health. Her depression was obvious. She drank a lot, she gained a lot of weight, her behavior was uncharacteristic of her.
My depression wasn't as visible. I kept a smile on my face, got dressed, was engaged with society. But sometimes my decisions didn't seem to be the best decisions...my plan didn't turn out so well. That made me think, my family is probably saying stuff about me as well, everyone always has something to say. Especially about where I should be applying for jobs. I had my life all mapped out before. I imagined retiring from that old job. I could see it, but apparently God has other plans. Every now and then someone will tell me to go work at Target or something like that...or come home. For goodness sakes, what makes people think I haven't applied at Target? I can't stand when people say that as if everyone gets hired in retail or fast food...they don't!
Since then I have worked in 2 unfulfilling jobs that I was damn near fired from...the 1st, I just wasn't given any more hours, the 2nd I wasn't good at manipulating people so I had to go(at least that's what my boss said damn near everyday.) I won't be making that mistake again. Talk about miserable. It's not fun. It doesn't feel good.
I have so much that I want out of life. I am rebounding, making stuff happen, am grateful for the little things, and moving forward. That's why you see some gratitude posts every now and then. I want to feel like that all of the time. I can go back and read them and I feel happy all over again. The law of attraction...I remember when whatever I wanted, I got...I spoke it into existence. I just had a negativity overload the past few years...and I am in detox mode right now. People don't understand that what they say to people effects them in unseen ways. You could say it in passing and it is stuck on them for a whole day or even a year. So practice positive speaking and positive thinking...to yourself and to others.
Now my goals in life are a little different and in the words of abg "telling all my business" has been my first step in therapy. I really need a counselor.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
I'm so grateful...
I went to church today and it was so good. It is a traditional church, but the pastor their is so real and annointed. I did run into one person who had something to say about homosexuals, but heck my momma has too. But what comes from the mouth of the pastor is another story. I believe God sent me there because what he says, fills my spirit every single time.
Someone asked if I was advocating going to an affirming church, (Tami? was that you). I have been to an affirming church and it was affirming and very different. It was the first time that I actually felt comfortble with my sexuality, but at the same time I felt uncomfortable. We (friends) have had heated discussions why affirming churches are valid and needed versus traditional churches. But it is actually something in itself to get used too.
I think the best thing any one can do is just pray for guidance. Each experience is unique. So church, no church, affirming church totally up to you. I pray you receive what you seek. Have a blessed week.
Someone asked if I was advocating going to an affirming church, (Tami? was that you). I have been to an affirming church and it was affirming and very different. It was the first time that I actually felt comfortble with my sexuality, but at the same time I felt uncomfortable. We (friends) have had heated discussions why affirming churches are valid and needed versus traditional churches. But it is actually something in itself to get used too.
I think the best thing any one can do is just pray for guidance. Each experience is unique. So church, no church, affirming church totally up to you. I pray you receive what you seek. Have a blessed week.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
$10,000 a day....
Why do people hate on people with money? I see a lot of hating especially with The Real Housewives of Atlanta cast, these corporate moguls, and others. The media went out of control about the automaker ceo's riding in a private jet to DC.
I am being completely honest when I say, when I become a millionaire, I will be traveling on a private jet. I will not look down on someone who can't fly on a private jet, and I won't feel guilty for flying on a private jet. I look at Kimmora, Oprah, Bill (Gates) and I see a life that I want (somewhat...some of the stuff that they go through is extreme) but the ease of knowing that what you want, you can have because money is no object is freeing.
A friend sent me this game called The Prosperity Game. Essentially, they give you money and you are to do whatever you want with it. So the first day is $100. If someone gave you a $100 a day for the next 30 days what would you do with it? I would go out to dinner with the first $100 dollars. Put me in the right frame of mind of enjoying this money. There is nothing worse then getting money and not enjoying it. Like if you got the $100 and you felt bad because you had to pay a bill. It's not the paying the bill that makes it bad...but the feeling...so I am doing something I want to do first, then I will do what I have to do. Does that make since?
I saw somewhere else where people have set up different amounts. I am going with $10,000. So if you were given $10,000 a day for 30 days what would you do with the money?
I am being completely honest when I say, when I become a millionaire, I will be traveling on a private jet. I will not look down on someone who can't fly on a private jet, and I won't feel guilty for flying on a private jet. I look at Kimmora, Oprah, Bill (Gates) and I see a life that I want (somewhat...some of the stuff that they go through is extreme) but the ease of knowing that what you want, you can have because money is no object is freeing.
A friend sent me this game called The Prosperity Game. Essentially, they give you money and you are to do whatever you want with it. So the first day is $100. If someone gave you a $100 a day for the next 30 days what would you do with it? I would go out to dinner with the first $100 dollars. Put me in the right frame of mind of enjoying this money. There is nothing worse then getting money and not enjoying it. Like if you got the $100 and you felt bad because you had to pay a bill. It's not the paying the bill that makes it bad...but the feeling...so I am doing something I want to do first, then I will do what I have to do. Does that make since?
I saw somewhere else where people have set up different amounts. I am going with $10,000. So if you were given $10,000 a day for 30 days what would you do with the money?
Monday, November 10, 2008
Slow Down....
I am going to:
relax more
not be so high strung
enjoy life
read other peoples blogs more often, not just the ones currently on my list
cook more ( i made ramen noodles with green peas the other day)
look at more comedy sitcoms
laugh at least 5 times a day
basically, take a chill pill.
relax more
not be so high strung
enjoy life
read other peoples blogs more often, not just the ones currently on my list
cook more ( i made ramen noodles with green peas the other day)
look at more comedy sitcoms
laugh at least 5 times a day
basically, take a chill pill.
Feeling joy...again.
"Whether it's a trophy, money, relationships, or things, the achievement of anything that you desire must be considered success. Bu if you will let your standard of success be your achievement of joy, everything else will then fall easily into place."
The Law of Attraction Cards (The Teachings of Abraham)
by Esther and Jerry Hicks
card 32
The Law of Attraction Cards (The Teachings of Abraham)
by Esther and Jerry Hicks
card 32
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Back to life..
Back to reality...I know you remember that song. But anywho...I am feeling "in limbo" right now. I want so much from life, but it feels somewhat elusive. I want to do things for me, instead of doing them for others. This rant stems from me " not having a real job". That statement in itself has me pissed. You already know who said it...yep, my momma.
I work hard. I update 2 blogs, conduct interviews for freelance jobs, write articles for the deux dames website, make clutches and purses for sale on the blog, website, and arts & crafts fairs. Plus I look for other venues to spread our work, collaborate with others all while trying to keep a roof over my head and food in my tummy. I work-Everyday-In some fashion or another. At night I am so tired, I drift off to sleep with no problem (i used to be a terrible insomniac). I am almost at that level of success, I have been trying to reach...I just want a little bit of SUPPORT. Is that too much to ask?
I work hard. I update 2 blogs, conduct interviews for freelance jobs, write articles for the deux dames website, make clutches and purses for sale on the blog, website, and arts & crafts fairs. Plus I look for other venues to spread our work, collaborate with others all while trying to keep a roof over my head and food in my tummy. I work-Everyday-In some fashion or another. At night I am so tired, I drift off to sleep with no problem (i used to be a terrible insomniac). I am almost at that level of success, I have been trying to reach...I just want a little bit of SUPPORT. Is that too much to ask?
Thursday, September 4, 2008
I had a bad ...whoops I mean good day.
I awoke this morning almost dreading to get up. Unsure of myself and what I was doing by coming out on the internet. I put a blog on MySpace, one from my personal email, and a little ego crept in trying to steal my joy. But once it's out there, it's out. No turning back. That's why I did it in this manner.
I took a few deep breaths, then took notice of the inner peace, a happy dance going on in my soul. Today is not unlike any other day. I got up, went to the bathroom, did some chores, ate breakfast, etc. etc. Feedback has been positive.
In honor of this day and the joy I feel stepping into my whole self, every Thursday is now deemed TRANQUIL THURSDAY. I will relax. I may put up an affirmation or positive quote to help you (and myself) maintain a positive thought process and a little calmness in life to help change your mindset, live free, and live abundantly.
affirmation: I love myself.
positive quote: The mind is never right but when it is at peace within it self.
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