I hadn't blogged in 4ever

I almost forgot my login information. Well not really since it's my email login. But it feels like it has been ages. I love Spring and Summer. They are my favorite seasons. I get a little antsy and the exploration bug comes alive. I've pondered several questions over the past few weeks. Here are just a few:

Why do some straight people think there "marriages" are "better" or "different" from other relationships. I ran into an old co-worker and she said, "you're relationship is different from mine because I can't be around my husband that long. I need to get away from him sometimes." I took it as a compliment cuz I love being around my honey bear. Who needs to be in a relationship if you can't stand being around the other person? That's just ludicrous to me.

Why do parents think of their children always in age 5 mode? Some think that just because you are the child, you will always remain in "child mode". That's even more rediculous to me. I love that insurance commercial when the kids are asking for the keys to the car and curfew extension. Pops is looking at them in their pre-puberty state and they leave out of the house in teenage state. I love it.

I also thought about all of the times I lied to cover up my sexuality. It feels so good to be free and let that sin roll off my back.

And this isn't really a question, but more of a realization: We need more gay couples as friends. OMG! If I hear of another potluck, "game night" or "couples night" I might just scream. Especially since, I have no desire to hang out with a bunch of hetero couples. Not that there is anything wrong with them as individual couples, but get a bunch together and I just can't take it.

Ok! I think that is it for now. I hope you all have a wonderful evening!

Lessons Learned 2008-2009

Time is a great buffer. I have learned more lessons now than even the ones I thought I had learned at the beginning of the year. Here they are:

1. A dream won't come true if you don't a) really want it; b) believe it will come true; and c) put in the work to make it happen.

2. I write down my hopes, wishes, and desires. I took a look back over the last year and realized that it was a whole bunch of stuff that I thought I wanted that I could totally care less about.

For instance, I thought I wanted to keep my car for the rest of my life. It was going to be that junker that I drove anywhere I could. I put way too much money into trying to keep it running; all the while planning the next car I would buy. That was a contradiction. I should have let the car go a long time ago and bought the one I really wanted.

3. I also learned that it is totally okay to go against the norm. You would think I learned this lesson a long time ago but clearly I didn't. I spent a lot of time, money, and energy looking for a traditional job. And then God blesses me with a non-traditional job when that's what I wanted all along. LOL. So funny.

And finally I learned that God and the universe will provide all of my true wants, needs, and desires-the ones that I don't contradict myself on. And one that won't make much sense because there is so much that is behind it, but I don't have to control anything but my mind.

Detox Day!

I woke up late this morning. My shift at work starts at 9:30am. I woke up at 9:37am. Grant it, all I have to do is roll out of bed and to the computer, but this was not how I wanted to start my day. Once at the computer, it literally took me almost 2 hours to get logged in and ready to work. Errors were popping up, the screen kept freezing, and the essays would not download. (I critique essays and research papers.)

Then I realized, I had not been "grateful" or "feeling good". I need to change the way I am thinking. Who cares if I was tired. I shouldn't have stayed up so late. I should have taken that ibuprofen earlier in the night. I should have...you get the picture. Ultimately, I probably just wanted an excuse to not go to work. How lame is that?

I got my tax refund already, so all of my money worries are gone! I should be GRATEFUL beyond measure. Even though I don't have a car anymore, I live in a centrally located neighborhood and have good friends who look out for us.

But I also realized I have been taking in a large amount of garbage--ie negative crap. I have been watching the depressing ass news everyday. Yeah that's over with. If I wanted to be depressed, I would just go back to looking for a 9 to 5 job. I have been watching those court tv shows and gossip shows like tmz. Yeah enough of that too. Plus there are probably some residual feelings of contempt for people I argued with last week. Gotta get that out of my head!

After I get off work today, I plan on going into detox mode. How? LAUGHING MY A** OFF! Anything on you tube that is funny, I'll be watching it. I am going to put in my favorite movies: Rat Race and Last Holiday. Then I will blast the good music for the rest of the evening; whilst I write, sing, and dance. Anything that makes me feel good, I will be DOING! ;-) I should probably add some peanut butter and chocolate somewhere in this evening.

The Agenda

I don't make resolutions because I never stick with them. I starting making to-do lists or agendas if you will. They don't necessarily have a time frame, just stuff I really want to accomplish. With the new year less than 10 hours away, it's a good time for me to start dreaming.



This is the entrance to The Chocolate Spa at The Hotel Hershey. A weekend trip there would be nice. They have a chocolate massage that looks as if it is to die for. Hmmm. Relaxation to the fullest.

I also want to be more financially responsible. I can handle a budget, but it's the splurging because "I have to have it and I can afford it" bug that I have to get under control.

Writing has become central in my life. I want writing to be lucrative enough that it is the main job I have. I am already half way there--I am freelancing and I am an online writing tutor. So this is just getting easier and easier.

And last but not least, I see everything I want coming into fruition: home renovations, marriage equality, $$$$, more traveling, more appreciation, more gratitude, and so much happiness I wonder if I can take it all.

Gratitude 2008

So much happened this year. In a nutshell, here is what I am most grateful for:

Love. Family & Friends. Regine, Sinclaire,& Max! Linda Villarosa telling me to start blogging. Blogging. Blogger Initiative Summitt. Mike Rogers. Serena Freewomyn. Rod 2.0. Curve. Cathy Renna. Joy. Arts & Crafts. Kept me sane throughout the year. Deux Dames. Faith. Employment. Ruth's Chris. Printworks Bistro. The Greensboro Symphony. Writing. Deux Dames. Eclectic By Nature. The Gay Marriage Thing. Citi Cards. Leaving Citi Cards. Smarthinking.com. Village Tavern. Wilmington, NC. Secret getaways. Open Door Ministries. Queercents. Hope. The Secret. The Oak. Laughing babies. AND DREAMS.

I would've never guessed that this year would have gone like it did. But I wouldn't change one bit of it. I appreciate every bump, ditch, valley, and mountain. 2009 here I come.

No More Drama

Yeah, Mary J Blige. I love her. If you look at her career, it's been a ride. If she hadn't told us what she was going through, we probably wouldn't have ever known. I was thinking, wow she has truly grown up. I mean she says she had some toxic people around her and toxic behaviors abounded. She eliminitated the toxins from her life and look at her now. I mean she probably still has issues right? Everyone does.

But what is important is how she looks at her life now. She's happy for the little things and the big things.

So that's basically what I have been doing through the gratitude posts: eliminating toxins from my life. If you look at this blog in the beginning until now...I have grown. You may not be able to see that, but I have. Trying to figure out what to write about is one thing, but dealing with other people's emotions is quite another. So I had to let some people go and realize that it's not always about me!

When people say silly s&*t it is about them and their insecurities. People who have issues with gay marriage have an issue with their marriage or the lack thereof. When your parents nag you about your life or your friends criticize it's because they don't like what is going on with them. I was sitting here reading other people's blogs and realized that we are all going through the same sh*t...and for what? Like my family always had something to say about my hair. Why? Because there hair wasn't as long as mine, as thick as mine, and they wanted hair just like mine in it's relaxed state. But I am cool without a relaxer, so I will remain natural.

Our emotions can only be toyed with if we allow it. I am tired of playing games and feeding into other people's insecurities. Screw 'em. If somebody doesn't like what you do or say, Screw 'em. If they don't like who you are sleeping with this week, screw them too! If your life doesn't fit there little playbook...tell em ... that's right screw you...I really want to say the F word...but I am trying to eliminate it from my vocabulary.

2008 is coming to an end and it is high time to decide to live your life for you. Stop getting caught up in this everyday drama from the outside sources (news, other people, etc.). Have you made your "easy life" to-do list for 2009-2013, not a resolution...they never get done, but how about a 4 year plan?

Hi Honey, I'm home...

Friends, Family, Countrymen...

Even though my day was full of mad dashes, delayed luggage, and irritating people I am re-energized and renewed with purpose.
More now than ever I feel the need to talk about my experiences, give my opinion on anything, and help others wherever I can. I have a lot of posts that I need to get out, and in no particular order, I just have to write. When you have this much stuff going on in your head, how do you get it all out, without losing some of the particulars? I will try my best to be fair, honest, and direct. I didn't get to go to church this weekend, but I hope you check out Ladybug Smile. She put on a sermon over there for sure. Have a great week!

Gratefulness Part II

I made my way through the airport and subway with ease.
My bags arrived right along with me.
I didn't cry....

I didn't, instead I smiled.
Thinking about "the kiss"

The one that said, " I know you are only going to be gone for a couple of days, but I will miss you and this is what you are coming home too."

I smiled.

The business center here at the hotel is the bomb. So I will be able to complete the work I need to get done this weekend...and best of all, blog in what free time I do have, which isn't much.

I am so freakin' grateful.

Gratefulness

I am so grateful that:
I have the opportunity to work from home doing something that I'm competent doing.
I have the opportunity to learn more bout blogging and my role
in the blogosphere.
I am staying at my favorite hotel.
A digital camera just popped up. Thank you Lord.
The new website is going to be very beautiful.
I have love.
She comforts me and makes me sane.

It's Been a Long Time Coming

I'm PUBLISHED! You heard me folks. My article has finally been published in Curve Magazine (December Issue, page 52). So everyone check it out, buy it-- or at least go read it for free at the bookstore. I don't get any proceeds from it, but I'd like the support. Send an email and tell them how much you like my writing :-)

I'm so grateful...

that I have you all to talk too. I mean my life has changed so much in the last few days.

that Thanksgiving dinner was better than expected. I had some banging sweet potatoe pie...and I am still full. I don't really need to eat for the next few days. Seriously.

that unexpected miracles keep happening. I am just going with the flow of this prosperity and abundance. I am so so grateful...I will blog about these as they develop further.

that I have great friends, great family, and serve a great God.

that it has been warm for the last few days. No super duper cold for the holiday...Yeah!

that I have dreams...that no one can take from me, that I know I will accomplish.

Sex? I'm a virgin...

That's my lie and I am sticking to it. LOL. Since I wrote the post referencing my graduate studies, I remembered I am an expert in something: Lesbian Health!

I mean I studied that thang. I participated in workshops, wrote numerous papers, created an online training for healthcare providers, and really became a "master of the craft" (that's what my girlfriend said). I totally forgot about that part of my studies...It did give me joy.

I got to learn about different types of std prevention, contraceptives, and all the lies straight girls tell about their sex life. One of my classmates and I even contemplated working with "community sex workers" for one of our projects. The health department had a unit that went out and did free HIV tests and another organization even worked with them to get them off drugs and such. It was amazing how many women who participated in this craft for a living actually identified as bi. It was their coping mechanism (that's what the psychologist in me said, but it may be they were actually bi).

I had the idea of starting a non-profit that would distribute safe sex paraphernalia for women. I wanted to do a social marketing campaign encouraging women to use dental dam, gloves, and even condoms (female and traditional). It is amazing how safe people think they are just because they are dealing with the same sex. The scary part was actually the number of women who said they were lesbians, but actually slept with men on a regular basis. We had to rephrase the research to say women who partner with women...because you just never know.

One of my students was famous for that line. "I'm a lesbian, I just happen to have a boyfriend". And she was serious. Maybe I will get back into that line of work one day. A lot of the funding for these types of research and programs have been cut. I actually interviewed with the Lesbian Health Center at the Whitman Walker Clinic last year. Unfortunately, it seems they have lost a lot of staff. So I guess it is kind of good I didn't get that job. Well I know it is...it didn't pay nearly enough to live in DC metro area.

Overall, I do think I want to go back into this field. For me, it was fun, interesting, and I got to meet a lot of people that I wouldn't normally have met. Plus, anytime you get to talk about sex and get paid for it, is a plus!

I gotta get this off my chest.....

I feel like I have dealt with this stuff already, but the fact that it is resurfacing tells me that I have not dealt with it as efficiently as first thought.

Today, on Tyra she talked to two women who decided it was best for them to find out how their families and friends thought about them and then they had a separate Truth Panel who essentially told it like it was without regards to feelings. The kicker was that the women were behind a two way mirror listening to everything.

One of the girls was really just depressed. I mean I could see that from jump. Tyra in her big sister way asks her when all of this started. She says when she lost her job (i can relate)...she was fired (I was too)...due to her performance ( mine was for? i could've been fired for being late to work everyday, but they said insubordination), from a job she absolutely loved ( i liked it a lot, i hated my supervisors). There is a lot here...so just bear with me a few.

At the same time I was in graduate school for a totally different field, working with lesbian health none the less. My mom came for graduation and like my life started to unravel from there. We got into a huge argument...I mean like atomic bomb huge. I stopped talking to her.

Work got worse after I got my degree, I guess I was too much now that I had a masters degree. Dare I ask for a raise (I didn't) or a different position (I didn't) or actually try to use my degree on the side (I didn't)-- but I could've. Maybe I did change. I don't know. I know I was trying to do my best but the higher ups were just so unsupportive. I asked for help (they used that against me). Shortly after that, I was fired.

Now this threw my world into a loop. I went from being financially secure to being....what...???? I wasn't talking to my momma. There was nothing I could do to get my job back. Everything I was told to do just made the situation worse and backfired. After it was all said and done I realized that my position was never secure. I was going to be eliminated one way or the other--regardless of my actions. That hurt. All of the energy, time, and money spent -- for what?

I collected unemployment for awhile...interviewed for a few positions most unsuccessfully. I started thinking about this looking at sister girl on Tyra. Her family was saying all of this awful stuff about her, but never to her face. And all of her actions stemmed from her being seriously depressed. They were more concerned about their feelings then about her actual health. Her depression was obvious. She drank a lot, she gained a lot of weight, her behavior was uncharacteristic of her.

My depression wasn't as visible. I kept a smile on my face, got dressed, was engaged with society. But sometimes my decisions didn't seem to be the best decisions...my plan didn't turn out so well. That made me think, my family is probably saying stuff about me as well, everyone always has something to say. Especially about where I should be applying for jobs. I had my life all mapped out before. I imagined retiring from that old job. I could see it, but apparently God has other plans. Every now and then someone will tell me to go work at Target or something like that...or come home. For goodness sakes, what makes people think I haven't applied at Target? I can't stand when people say that as if everyone gets hired in retail or fast food...they don't!

Since then I have worked in 2 unfulfilling jobs that I was damn near fired from...the 1st, I just wasn't given any more hours, the 2nd I wasn't good at manipulating people so I had to go(at least that's what my boss said damn near everyday.) I won't be making that mistake again. Talk about miserable. It's not fun. It doesn't feel good.

I have so much that I want out of life. I am rebounding, making stuff happen, am grateful for the little things, and moving forward. That's why you see some gratitude posts every now and then. I want to feel like that all of the time. I can go back and read them and I feel happy all over again. The law of attraction...I remember when whatever I wanted, I got...I spoke it into existence. I just had a negativity overload the past few years...and I am in detox mode right now. People don't understand that what they say to people effects them in unseen ways. You could say it in passing and it is stuck on them for a whole day or even a year. So practice positive speaking and positive thinking...to yourself and to others.

Now my goals in life are a little different and in the words of abg "telling all my business" has been my first step in therapy. I really need a counselor.

I'm so grateful...

I went to church today and it was so good. It is a traditional church, but the pastor their is so real and annointed. I did run into one person who had something to say about homosexuals, but heck my momma has too. But what comes from the mouth of the pastor is another story. I believe God sent me there because what he says, fills my spirit every single time.

Someone asked if I was advocating going to an affirming church, (Tami? was that you). I have been to an affirming church and it was affirming and very different. It was the first time that I actually felt comfortble with my sexuality, but at the same time I felt uncomfortable. We (friends) have had heated discussions why affirming churches are valid and needed versus traditional churches. But it is actually something in itself to get used too.

I think the best thing any one can do is just pray for guidance. Each experience is unique. So church, no church, affirming church totally up to you. I pray you receive what you seek. Have a blessed week.

A dream deferred...

So, yesterday was our anniversary. I was so surprised that my girlfriend...made dinner. I know, it sounds like...what? Dinner, that's all? But here me out.

First of all, she wanted to go to culinary school. She actually got accepted and they played with her financial aid...$40. Yes, $40 was all they gave her. So she took a step back but in the process she stopped cooking all together. And she can throw down. Now she only cooks like on holidays and even that is a rarity considering we go to other people's houses or someone else cooks at our house. I know. Sad. You probably wonder how we eat, if neither one of us cook...by the grace of God. LOL.

But last night, my baby threw it down, in more ways than one. ;-) She made pork steak, collard greens, and potatoes with onions. It was sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo delicious. I made sure that I saved some, because I wanted that meal to last. Actually it was a lot of food for only the two of us. Then she surprised me with my favorite candy: butterfinger and reese's peanut butter cups. I enjoyed my evening. Then we cuddled. It was sweet.

WZUP

Ya'll I was exhausted this weekend. Can you say, get in the house and immediately take a nap. That was me. Turns out, my coming out problem was not a problem at all. The people we were concerned about did not even show up. It's unfortunate though...that's been added to my vocabulary this weekend since it was so damn depressing in some aspects. But I don't even want to relive that agony....so moving on...

I am still pondering writing a book. I have started a few. But I never get past like chapter 1. Sad, I know. They aren't heavy reads, humorous really. I will probably finish at least one, while on vacation.

During the holidays I like to go to this event titled Holiday Parade of Homes. These homes are newly constructed and absolutely gorgeous. They have them decorated and stuff for the holiday season. They have snacks and food throughout. Believe me when you are walking through a 3 level 6 bedroom, 4.5 bath home with 2 kitchens, and 4 fireplaces... at least a cup of water is warranted.LOL.The event serves as a fundraiser for the local Habitat for Humanity. If you have the ability too, check out your area and see what good causes are available for you to support.

I was going through a tough time and had to lean on social services and other organizations, and you think that when they say emergency assistance, thats what it means. Nope. Emergency assistance here means $300 (1 x per 12 month period) for your rent, and thats if you have an eviction notice or utility bill with a disconnect notice. What is that? But anywho in this time of year especially with the status of some people (unemployed, etc) if you have it and can share it, even something as small as working at a soup kitchen, please do. Can you imagine how many lgbt folk fall into this category?

Taking my community service coordinator hat off....Have a great day.