On several different occasions, I said to myself, "I am going to practice silence today." Only to wake up and immediately start talking. I mean goodness, who knew a person could talk so much. But I've been having really strange dreams this week so I really wanted to get inside my head and analyze.
I don't remember all of the one from last night, but one man in particular had a hit out on me. I don't know how much the people were getting paid, but they were very persistent. The wife of the person who paid for the hit let me know when and where the hit was taking place. So I was able to escape 2 or 3 times. This dream had my anxiety up a few notches. It wasn't as bad as some of the other dreams, but goodness who wants to be shot at with machine guns while trying to rest. The craziest thing about it was the wife made it seem like the man did this on a regular basis. LOL, that is funny to me now. She knew his exact M-O.
Today, I thought about being silent and went against it. Then I started to read another book and silence fell upon me. It is so peaceful. My stress levels have dropped a few meters. I can think clearly. Everything I have been trying to work out in my head just seems so easy.
Anne LeClaire, the author of the book, Listening Below the Noise, suggests making some of your daily chores into moments of silence. Take it as a time to reflect. I began to think about my Granny.
In particular, I thought about her sitting in the kitchen making potato salad.(I am craving hers right now!) Many people just cook and peel the potatoes, add the seasonings, and everything else. My granny's process is a little more methodical. It's a production- boil the potatoes; boil the eggs; peel the potatoes; peel the eggs; remove the yolk from the eggs; dice the potatoes, onions, celery and egg whites into small squares; add the relish,mustard, and secret ingredients. She would then taste it, correct the flavor, add mayo, and finish off the salad in a nice bowl with pretty garnish.
All the while she's silent. She rarely talked while cooking. She seems so focused and intent on the food. I never thought, until now, that she could have been doing some serious thinking, rationalizing, and meditating. She is always so calm, cool, and collected you wouldn't think she had a worry in the world.
With my anxiety level lower, I am a better girlfriend. I am a better friend. I am a better business partner. I am a better person- period. I thought this "silence" would be a one time or unscheduled thing. I am beginning to thing otherwise. I need to do this. I feel centered, focused, refreshed-- and it's only been a couple of hours.
Showing posts with label relationship communication. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationship communication. Show all posts
Friday, June 12, 2009
Sunday, March 8, 2009
I want what you have...
I've heard that statement to many times. And it is always in reference to a relationship. Yes, my relationship with my girlfriend is wonderful. Yes we will have a lot of years under our belt this year.
We've had some really fun and marvelous times...
...BUT...
...not without the work. It has not been a walk in the park. We worked our tails off to get to this point. Let's talk about us being friends for 2 years before we even got into a relationship. I don't talk about how our other friendships were tested as we tried to keep it in the closet. I don't talk about the crying, the pain, or the shame we experienced in the beginning. And I don't talk about the all-girls school heteronormative black experience.
It was a painful journey, but our love for each other buffered it along the way. We had to work on communication, getting used to each others habits, the normal likes and dislikes coupled with all the stuff lesbians have to deal with. So please, don't look at other people's relationships and say, "I want what you all have."
You only see what's on the surface.
We've had some really fun and marvelous times...
...BUT...
...not without the work. It has not been a walk in the park. We worked our tails off to get to this point. Let's talk about us being friends for 2 years before we even got into a relationship. I don't talk about how our other friendships were tested as we tried to keep it in the closet. I don't talk about the crying, the pain, or the shame we experienced in the beginning. And I don't talk about the all-girls school heteronormative black experience.
It was a painful journey, but our love for each other buffered it along the way. We had to work on communication, getting used to each others habits, the normal likes and dislikes coupled with all the stuff lesbians have to deal with. So please, don't look at other people's relationships and say, "I want what you all have."
You only see what's on the surface.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Let's Get Real About Abuse!
With all of the media coverage (TMZ, Bloggers, Tom Joyner) on domestic violence; I am forced to comment on the Chris Brown and Rihanna situation. I am displeased with the discourse surrounding the incident for several reasons:
1. Domestic violence is not simply defined as "any time a man hits a woman". People are abused on a daily basis. I feel like this discussion is negating instead of bringing to light the circumstances surrounding their situations. Abuse occurs just because-without provocation. Some, just because they woke up that morning. Some abuse others for power, because they can mentally or physically dominate the other person. One could fix spaghetti for dinner and the abuser wanted pork chops; the next moment is filled with pain and anguish.
The mere physical confrontation between two individuals does not always equal abuse. It means that the anger has overrun the situation and they do not know how to verbally communicate further. Poor communication skills can cause people to say and do things that they will in turn regret. Individuals have to take responsibility for their actions and stop playing the role of the victim especially when they are not a victim.
2. Gender does not give you a free license to say and do whatever you want. Women can't just "say or do anything" especially in an argument and the expectation is that the other party will "do nothing" or "walk away". Why is society putting all of this pressure on men to always do the "right thing"? It is just ridiculous, unfair, and unrealistic.
If a woman decided that she just wants to pop her man upside the head because she felt like it and her man hits her, isn't it basic reflex that would make him hit her back? In this incident, the man would not view the person as a gender or opposite sex, but as an opponent. I doubt that there hasn't been that one incident where you got ticked off so much that anger ensued and logic went out the window. How could there possibly be any logic or sense involved when people are arguing?
3. Women abuse women; men abuse men; women abuse men, and men abuse women. The terms "violence against women" and "woman beater" are obsolete. Just because a man hits a woman does not make him an abuser. Just because a woman is hit by a man does not mean she is abused. Let's not forget about the people who do not fit society's mold of relationships. Also, there have been times when people look forward to having fights, women and men alike.
Overall, violence should not be a justified means for anything. We all need to keep our hands to ourselves. Strong communication skills are necessary for all relationships. Regardless whether someone is a celebrity or not, human instinct puts one into either a fight or flight mode. This situation just so happened to be a display of fight mode. This does not mean that Chris Brown is a bad person. Am I a bad person if I get in a fight with my cousin? No, it just means that the incident occurred and we probably have regrets.
We all need to have self-control over what we say, how we say it, what we do, and how we respond. Unlike cases of intimate relationship violence, in the case of Chris Brown and Rihanna, no one is a victim. Rihanna just had physical evidence from said conflict. But sometimes emotional and mental pain can run deeper than the appearance. And no one in the media seems to be discussing how both parties are feeling at this very moment or how their actions are inflicting deeper scars on these individuals and the nation as a whole.
1. Domestic violence is not simply defined as "any time a man hits a woman". People are abused on a daily basis. I feel like this discussion is negating instead of bringing to light the circumstances surrounding their situations. Abuse occurs just because-without provocation. Some, just because they woke up that morning. Some abuse others for power, because they can mentally or physically dominate the other person. One could fix spaghetti for dinner and the abuser wanted pork chops; the next moment is filled with pain and anguish.
The mere physical confrontation between two individuals does not always equal abuse. It means that the anger has overrun the situation and they do not know how to verbally communicate further. Poor communication skills can cause people to say and do things that they will in turn regret. Individuals have to take responsibility for their actions and stop playing the role of the victim especially when they are not a victim.
2. Gender does not give you a free license to say and do whatever you want. Women can't just "say or do anything" especially in an argument and the expectation is that the other party will "do nothing" or "walk away". Why is society putting all of this pressure on men to always do the "right thing"? It is just ridiculous, unfair, and unrealistic.
If a woman decided that she just wants to pop her man upside the head because she felt like it and her man hits her, isn't it basic reflex that would make him hit her back? In this incident, the man would not view the person as a gender or opposite sex, but as an opponent. I doubt that there hasn't been that one incident where you got ticked off so much that anger ensued and logic went out the window. How could there possibly be any logic or sense involved when people are arguing?
3. Women abuse women; men abuse men; women abuse men, and men abuse women. The terms "violence against women" and "woman beater" are obsolete. Just because a man hits a woman does not make him an abuser. Just because a woman is hit by a man does not mean she is abused. Let's not forget about the people who do not fit society's mold of relationships. Also, there have been times when people look forward to having fights, women and men alike.
Overall, violence should not be a justified means for anything. We all need to keep our hands to ourselves. Strong communication skills are necessary for all relationships. Regardless whether someone is a celebrity or not, human instinct puts one into either a fight or flight mode. This situation just so happened to be a display of fight mode. This does not mean that Chris Brown is a bad person. Am I a bad person if I get in a fight with my cousin? No, it just means that the incident occurred and we probably have regrets.
We all need to have self-control over what we say, how we say it, what we do, and how we respond. Unlike cases of intimate relationship violence, in the case of Chris Brown and Rihanna, no one is a victim. Rihanna just had physical evidence from said conflict. But sometimes emotional and mental pain can run deeper than the appearance. And no one in the media seems to be discussing how both parties are feeling at this very moment or how their actions are inflicting deeper scars on these individuals and the nation as a whole.
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