Thinking, Thinking, Thinking

On several different occasions, I said to myself, "I am going to practice silence today." Only to wake up and immediately start talking. I mean goodness, who knew a person could talk so much. But I've been having really strange dreams this week so I really wanted to get inside my head and analyze.

I don't remember all of the one from last night, but one man in particular had a hit out on me. I don't know how much the people were getting paid, but they were very persistent. The wife of the person who paid for the hit let me know when and where the hit was taking place. So I was able to escape 2 or 3 times. This dream had my anxiety up a few notches. It wasn't as bad as some of the other dreams, but goodness who wants to be shot at with machine guns while trying to rest. The craziest thing about it was the wife made it seem like the man did this on a regular basis. LOL, that is funny to me now. She knew his exact M-O.

Today, I thought about being silent and went against it. Then I started to read another book and silence fell upon me. It is so peaceful. My stress levels have dropped a few meters. I can think clearly. Everything I have been trying to work out in my head just seems so easy.

Anne LeClaire, the author of the book, Listening Below the Noise, suggests making some of your daily chores into moments of silence. Take it as a time to reflect. I began to think about my Granny.

In particular, I thought about her sitting in the kitchen making potato salad.(I am craving hers right now!) Many people just cook and peel the potatoes, add the seasonings, and everything else. My granny's process is a little more methodical. It's a production- boil the potatoes; boil the eggs; peel the potatoes; peel the eggs; remove the yolk from the eggs; dice the potatoes, onions, celery and egg whites into small squares; add the relish,mustard, and secret ingredients. She would then taste it, correct the flavor, add mayo, and finish off the salad in a nice bowl with pretty garnish.

All the while she's silent. She rarely talked while cooking. She seems so focused and intent on the food. I never thought, until now, that she could have been doing some serious thinking, rationalizing, and meditating. She is always so calm, cool, and collected you wouldn't think she had a worry in the world.

With my anxiety level lower, I am a better girlfriend. I am a better friend. I am a better business partner. I am a better person- period. I thought this "silence" would be a one time or unscheduled thing. I am beginning to thing otherwise. I need to do this. I feel centered, focused, refreshed-- and it's only been a couple of hours.

Be Silent Be Still

So I tried not to talk yesterday- I was unsuccessful in my attempt. I know that it is something I will attempt again, and very soon. I think I was most unsuccessful because I did not disengage from the outside world. I hung out with my gf and cousin, watched tv, was on the net, answered email, etc. The act of not speaking did not adequately take me to a place of silence within. However, I did have some moments of clarity. Instead of thinking before I spoke...I got to think. I caught myself talking about people in my head. I now know that I can be very opinionated and I don't have to open my mouth to do it. I caught myself on numerous occassions talking "spit"...I am so glad I didn't say it out loud. I understand some of the things that irritate me and I understand some of the things I do that can irritate others. I also realized that a lot of talking is unnecessary-- simply done to hear my own voice. I'll try again-- This should be very interesting.

Silence

Today, I am observing a day of silence. I read a book by Anne Leclaire about meditation and silence this weekend. The only restriction for today is that I cannot speak. It was supposed to be 6 am to 6 am, but I forgot and asked my gf what time it was this morning. It's amazing how easy I forgot. I debated if I would continue and I decided to just roll with it. I changed the time to 10:30 am - 10:30 am. It's actually been pretty hard so far...I'll let you know how it goes.

Love,

Tamara

Everything is Fine in 2009

Hello Everyone!!!

So what have I been up to?

I have a job with Smarthinking.com so I have been training for that. The new semester starts January 23 and I am naturally a procrastinator so I haven't been able to post as much as I would like in this new year. I will get it together though. My time management skills are already getting better. That's good. And would not have been possible without God.

I feel like 09 is going to be the YEAR. Does anyone else feel like that or know what I am talking about?

My girlfriend is absolutely amazing. I love her sooooo much. We have been inseparable since I got back into town. LOL. Sorry to everyone who have tried to spend time with us...gottta get that quality time in again.

I got a sewing machine for Christmas so you know I am going to be sewing again soon.
I have so many purse ideas in my head that it isn't even funny.

I am now a contributing writer over at QueerCents. I hope you all stop by and take a look at the Dating on a Budget series, plus there are some good tidbits about managing your finances. :-)

The Agenda

I don't make resolutions because I never stick with them. I starting making to-do lists or agendas if you will. They don't necessarily have a time frame, just stuff I really want to accomplish. With the new year less than 10 hours away, it's a good time for me to start dreaming.



This is the entrance to The Chocolate Spa at The Hotel Hershey. A weekend trip there would be nice. They have a chocolate massage that looks as if it is to die for. Hmmm. Relaxation to the fullest.

I also want to be more financially responsible. I can handle a budget, but it's the splurging because "I have to have it and I can afford it" bug that I have to get under control.

Writing has become central in my life. I want writing to be lucrative enough that it is the main job I have. I am already half way there--I am freelancing and I am an online writing tutor. So this is just getting easier and easier.

And last but not least, I see everything I want coming into fruition: home renovations, marriage equality, $$$$, more traveling, more appreciation, more gratitude, and so much happiness I wonder if I can take it all.

I'm so grateful...

I went to church today and it was so good. It is a traditional church, but the pastor their is so real and annointed. I did run into one person who had something to say about homosexuals, but heck my momma has too. But what comes from the mouth of the pastor is another story. I believe God sent me there because what he says, fills my spirit every single time.

Someone asked if I was advocating going to an affirming church, (Tami? was that you). I have been to an affirming church and it was affirming and very different. It was the first time that I actually felt comfortble with my sexuality, but at the same time I felt uncomfortable. We (friends) have had heated discussions why affirming churches are valid and needed versus traditional churches. But it is actually something in itself to get used too.

I think the best thing any one can do is just pray for guidance. Each experience is unique. So church, no church, affirming church totally up to you. I pray you receive what you seek. Have a blessed week.

Feeling joy...again.

"Whether it's a trophy, money, relationships, or things, the achievement of anything that you desire must be considered success. Bu if you will let your standard of success be your achievement of joy, everything else will then fall easily into place."

The Law of Attraction Cards (The Teachings of Abraham)
by Esther and Jerry Hicks
card 32

Anything is Possible

I have been trying to come to grips with this feeling of elation inside of me. Trying to figure out why I am so excited; what it is called...excitement just doesn't seem appropriate. It's more than excitement, jubilation, and similar expressions combined. Moving forward throughout the day as I ran into more people, talked to family and friends all across the country the sense of something bigger than us was going on and there indeed was hope for a better America. Hope. Peace. Love. I went to church last night, great message, leave the past behind and move forward looking toward the possibilities of better days. That triggered the simple phrase that accurately depicted how I was feeling all day:

With unwavering, unshakeable, unmoveable faith, anything is possible.

I've got JOY

So most of you know that this blog started because I wanted a little bit of acceptance from my mama. Our relationship is evolving and we have reconnected especially over the sewing bit. Let me tell you friends, she loves my little clutches.

By the way the clutches are for sale, $15 plus shipping, for blog customers only. I will have my etsy store up soon. Until then, you can buy them directly from me. Just send me an email and I will process your order.

I think she is the most proud because it shows that I listened to her at some point in my life. She even bought 5 of them. Can you believe that? I am ecstatic. Especially since I didn't get the job I interviewed for last Thursday...oh well. It must not have been for me.

It is really cold here today. It is the low 30's. What the heck happened? One day I am in sandals, the next my winter coat. Reminds me of Florida (they always used to say, we've got a cold snap or a cold front moving through)...awww I miss home a little bit.

I need to more appreciation for heat and air when I have them naturally from God. Hmmm.

I have to go get dressed, I am playing chauffer (sp) today--everyone in my house has somewehere to be.

I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend and have a good day at work/school. TTYL.