1 Year

I have been so busy that I didn't even realize that I had reached my one year blogging anniversary. I know. That is pretty sad. But I found myself in sort of a writer's slump/block/uncooperative mood.

Then this whole gay thing just kind of got to me. I am so tired of the name "That Gay Girl Tamara". My sexuality is only a little piece of me. I am not an angry, black, man-hating lesbian. I don't have issues with religion. I don't like judging folks because I then feel like a hypocrite. At the same time, I don't like other people judging folks so I in-turn judge them and I feel like a hypocrite. So I had to stop hanging around, talking to, emailing, reading the blogs of, being friends with those types of people.

I met some really cool people through blogging though (Alix, Tammy, Glennisha, Ladybug, Monie, Sarah, and many others.) These ladies helped me see things in different ways. I mean, I feel like I have really grown up over the last year. I turned 30. Wow. My mom and I have come full circle in our relationship. We don't necessarily see eye to eye; but who does? I can only focus on me and my happiness. So that's what I have started to do. The love of my life is still the love of my life. I think evenmoreso. She is truly ...I love her.

This will probably be my last post on this blog. It has been real. But I think this chapter of my life has closed. I will keep blogging though... at another space. Stay tuned for the new link. Love ya!

Processing

I'm only writing when I feel moved to write. I hope that you still come around and send me emails. It's just that I can get so wrapped up on-line, that I don't accomplish the things I need to throughout the day. Plus, I don't want to fill your minds with garbage. And that's what I would be doing if I wrote everyday just for the sake of writing. I won't do that. I won't be using this blog to bash the world. There is enough of that going on already. I want this to be a place where I can process- you can process- we can process and move into a great place in our lives. I want to sow good seeds.

If you haven't noticed, lately I have been really processing my life. Defining my hopes and dreams while searching my heart for answers has been refreshing. Every few months I find out something wonderful about myself. But this time, I think it goes even deeper than just my normal processing.

The silence has helped the internal critic understand actions and desires more clearly. I am getting back to my roots; not the superficial stuff that everyone else thinks they know, but my authentic self that I haven't shown to many people- maybe no one but God. It's a cleansing. Year 30 is the year I cleanse and snatch and live the life I have long desired.

I was telling a friend, I feel as though I have leaped to year 45 in wisdom because I just have no time for nonsense anymore. I think middle-aged women are fascinating, because that is when they decide to live their life. I want to live my life now. I don't want to get caught up on that monotonous train of duty and obligation and miss the train to relaxation, fun, peace and enjoyment.

Until next time, have fun! ~ Tam

Thinking, Thinking, Thinking

On several different occasions, I said to myself, "I am going to practice silence today." Only to wake up and immediately start talking. I mean goodness, who knew a person could talk so much. But I've been having really strange dreams this week so I really wanted to get inside my head and analyze.

I don't remember all of the one from last night, but one man in particular had a hit out on me. I don't know how much the people were getting paid, but they were very persistent. The wife of the person who paid for the hit let me know when and where the hit was taking place. So I was able to escape 2 or 3 times. This dream had my anxiety up a few notches. It wasn't as bad as some of the other dreams, but goodness who wants to be shot at with machine guns while trying to rest. The craziest thing about it was the wife made it seem like the man did this on a regular basis. LOL, that is funny to me now. She knew his exact M-O.

Today, I thought about being silent and went against it. Then I started to read another book and silence fell upon me. It is so peaceful. My stress levels have dropped a few meters. I can think clearly. Everything I have been trying to work out in my head just seems so easy.

Anne LeClaire, the author of the book, Listening Below the Noise, suggests making some of your daily chores into moments of silence. Take it as a time to reflect. I began to think about my Granny.

In particular, I thought about her sitting in the kitchen making potato salad.(I am craving hers right now!) Many people just cook and peel the potatoes, add the seasonings, and everything else. My granny's process is a little more methodical. It's a production- boil the potatoes; boil the eggs; peel the potatoes; peel the eggs; remove the yolk from the eggs; dice the potatoes, onions, celery and egg whites into small squares; add the relish,mustard, and secret ingredients. She would then taste it, correct the flavor, add mayo, and finish off the salad in a nice bowl with pretty garnish.

All the while she's silent. She rarely talked while cooking. She seems so focused and intent on the food. I never thought, until now, that she could have been doing some serious thinking, rationalizing, and meditating. She is always so calm, cool, and collected you wouldn't think she had a worry in the world.

With my anxiety level lower, I am a better girlfriend. I am a better friend. I am a better business partner. I am a better person- period. I thought this "silence" would be a one time or unscheduled thing. I am beginning to thing otherwise. I need to do this. I feel centered, focused, refreshed-- and it's only been a couple of hours.

Be Silent Be Still

So I tried not to talk yesterday- I was unsuccessful in my attempt. I know that it is something I will attempt again, and very soon. I think I was most unsuccessful because I did not disengage from the outside world. I hung out with my gf and cousin, watched tv, was on the net, answered email, etc. The act of not speaking did not adequately take me to a place of silence within. However, I did have some moments of clarity. Instead of thinking before I spoke...I got to think. I caught myself talking about people in my head. I now know that I can be very opinionated and I don't have to open my mouth to do it. I caught myself on numerous occassions talking "spit"...I am so glad I didn't say it out loud. I understand some of the things that irritate me and I understand some of the things I do that can irritate others. I also realized that a lot of talking is unnecessary-- simply done to hear my own voice. I'll try again-- This should be very interesting.

I hadn't blogged in 4ever

I almost forgot my login information. Well not really since it's my email login. But it feels like it has been ages. I love Spring and Summer. They are my favorite seasons. I get a little antsy and the exploration bug comes alive. I've pondered several questions over the past few weeks. Here are just a few:

Why do some straight people think there "marriages" are "better" or "different" from other relationships. I ran into an old co-worker and she said, "you're relationship is different from mine because I can't be around my husband that long. I need to get away from him sometimes." I took it as a compliment cuz I love being around my honey bear. Who needs to be in a relationship if you can't stand being around the other person? That's just ludicrous to me.

Why do parents think of their children always in age 5 mode? Some think that just because you are the child, you will always remain in "child mode". That's even more rediculous to me. I love that insurance commercial when the kids are asking for the keys to the car and curfew extension. Pops is looking at them in their pre-puberty state and they leave out of the house in teenage state. I love it.

I also thought about all of the times I lied to cover up my sexuality. It feels so good to be free and let that sin roll off my back.

And this isn't really a question, but more of a realization: We need more gay couples as friends. OMG! If I hear of another potluck, "game night" or "couples night" I might just scream. Especially since, I have no desire to hang out with a bunch of hetero couples. Not that there is anything wrong with them as individual couples, but get a bunch together and I just can't take it.

Ok! I think that is it for now. I hope you all have a wonderful evening!

Twitter

Let me tell you, when I logged in to my email and saw my momma following me on twitter, I was shocked as hell.

Alix got a good laugh as I freaked out and shut down my blog, protected my updates, and removed her from my followers. I tell you, it wasn't like I have said anything on here that I haven't said to her...but just the knowledge of her being able to know every thought or mood I am in is unnerving.

Now all of you can just fine...you don't have my phone number to call me...oh wait..you do or can at least get it easily. Hmmm So why was I so freaked out? It was just weird. Totally unexpected.

I guess it all boils down to me not telling her as much about myself as I do you all. That is so interesting.

Hi Friends!

So, for some reason, I have been having trouble commenting on my blog. :-( Boo.

But as far as the black bean burgers, THEY ARE DELICIOUS. All you do is take a can of black beans, rinse them and put half in a bowl. Add 3 tablespoons of mayo and chili powder. I like a lot of chili powder...like maybe 2 tablespoons, but you can do it to taste. And then add about a cup of bread crumbs. Mix together really good, mashing the beans as you go. Then add the remainder of black beans for texture. Fry them up and my goodness...you have a treat. It tastes really good with salsa and sour cream. A regular bun or toasted bread will suffice. And we don't have a Wegmans. We have Harris Teeter and I love it!

Also, I got my regular schedule for Smarthinking...YAHOO!! Surely makes up for me not being able to work at Mad Science. Plus I can substitute teach for other people to get more hours.

It's getting really cold here again, hopefully some snow. I hope you all have a really good week! TTYL.

I got another job....

I interviewed for this job back in October. Tuesday I got a call to see if I was still interested. I told you all about it...I had to do a presentation and I did mine on napkin folding. I don't think I ever did put up those pictures. But here's another part-time job. Hey don't 2 part time jobs make a full time job? YAY! I start training today, so I will let you know how it goes.

Hi Honey, I'm home...

Friends, Family, Countrymen...

Even though my day was full of mad dashes, delayed luggage, and irritating people I am re-energized and renewed with purpose.
More now than ever I feel the need to talk about my experiences, give my opinion on anything, and help others wherever I can. I have a lot of posts that I need to get out, and in no particular order, I just have to write. When you have this much stuff going on in your head, how do you get it all out, without losing some of the particulars? I will try my best to be fair, honest, and direct. I didn't get to go to church this weekend, but I hope you check out Ladybug Smile. She put on a sermon over there for sure. Have a great week!

I'm pissed....

So, I have been all positive, 'i love the hilton garden inn' 'it's my favorite hotel' and all that jazz. And it still is my favorite hotel but there internet service provider will not allow me to view webpages with the word lesbian on it...ABG that means i definitely couldn't read a blog with "orgasm" in the title.
i sent two messages to the "site kiosk team"...i am sure they will take a look at it.
This sucks. All of these great websites that I would love to take a look at, will have to be put off until monday when i get home: bilerico.com, projectqatlanta, check them out and let me know if you like them. this is crazy. i am surprised I can even get on my own blog.

LGBT Blogger Conference Day 1

I am in DC at the National LGBT Blogger & Citizen Journalist Initiative. It is an orgy of sorts. All of these LGBT people descending on the nations capital is a pure site...I have met a lot of great people and hopefully, we will keep in touch. I must preface this by saying, I didn't go in with any expectations. I just wanted to see what it was about, how I could become apart of something bigger, learn best practices etc.

What I Learned (so far):

As one of 3 black lesbians in the room; race is an issue. Someone here said, "You have to brand yourself. If you don't do the branding, other people will do the branding for you." I know this a very diverse audience and I just have to let you know, what you aren't saying about yourself, others are willing to make up and push it along.

The stereotypes that float throughout the country do not fall on deaf ears. At one of the sessions, a young woman brought up that she believed the black vote is what put prop 8 over and that the LGBT community needed to "educate" african-americans about the issues. I will just let that resonate with you. And know that comment did not go un-checked. It is time for us to get in the game....for real.

MILK
So last night I got to see the movie that is sweeping the nation. The acting was phenomenal. Sean Penn was to Harvey Milk as Denzel Washington was to Malcolm X. I will be honest and say, I didn't want to see the movie. I thought, let me go find out more about Harvey Milk. All I really knew was that he was gay, an activist, and a politician. I didn't know anything else about him. The movie was 2 hours long. For a better part of the movie, I was unaffected. I didn't see me or people like me, basically, I couldn't relate. Grant it, he was gay, but the similarities pretty much ended there. Even being an out lesbian, I have not had to endure all that Harvey Milk or the other men have to endure. Really, being gay, in my mind is a male thing--that's even how it was portrayed in the movie. You saw a few women and people of color, but it was not the regular.

I'm gay, but I'm not gay. Does this make sense? The discourse surrounding homosexuality, the gay lifestyle, and gay marriage is overwhelmingly male and white. The black discourse around homosexuality is male and "downlow". Am I missing something? Sometimes I have felt like I don't fit into the broader gay community. This is totally off topic from where the post was supposed to go, but I gotta go where the writing takes me. I think part of this comes from the stereotypes about the community, that make some of us say, "no, that's not me". Say what you will on the topic, I would love to hear your thoughts.

Anyway, Harvey Milk was the first and only lgbt elected official to be assassinated *knock on wood. Now this heartwrenching experience did resonate with me. Harvey Milk was resilient, tenacious, and for the people. Much like some other activists he knew he was doing what he had to do, and it was for the people, by any means necessary. I admire him for that. His work literally helped California be the mecca that it is today. I wanted to move there for the scenery, but when I found out about the protections LGBT people had in the workplace, it definitely made it more appealing.

But that is how I came out of yesterday's session feeling...I will post the rest tomorrow or later this week. ciao.

Blogger or Word Press

So I am reading blogs, and I notice...my blog is okay...but some people's blogs are downright cute. I want a cute blog. Blogger doesn't have that many choices. I was looking at WordPress and considering switching. Does anyone have any advice? Should I stick with blogger since I am already established hear or does asthetics take precedence?