I'm so grateful...

that I have you all to talk too. I mean my life has changed so much in the last few days.

that Thanksgiving dinner was better than expected. I had some banging sweet potatoe pie...and I am still full. I don't really need to eat for the next few days. Seriously.

that unexpected miracles keep happening. I am just going with the flow of this prosperity and abundance. I am so so grateful...I will blog about these as they develop further.

that I have great friends, great family, and serve a great God.

that it has been warm for the last few days. No super duper cold for the holiday...Yeah!

that I have dreams...that no one can take from me, that I know I will accomplish.

Sex? I'm a virgin...

That's my lie and I am sticking to it. LOL. Since I wrote the post referencing my graduate studies, I remembered I am an expert in something: Lesbian Health!

I mean I studied that thang. I participated in workshops, wrote numerous papers, created an online training for healthcare providers, and really became a "master of the craft" (that's what my girlfriend said). I totally forgot about that part of my studies...It did give me joy.

I got to learn about different types of std prevention, contraceptives, and all the lies straight girls tell about their sex life. One of my classmates and I even contemplated working with "community sex workers" for one of our projects. The health department had a unit that went out and did free HIV tests and another organization even worked with them to get them off drugs and such. It was amazing how many women who participated in this craft for a living actually identified as bi. It was their coping mechanism (that's what the psychologist in me said, but it may be they were actually bi).

I had the idea of starting a non-profit that would distribute safe sex paraphernalia for women. I wanted to do a social marketing campaign encouraging women to use dental dam, gloves, and even condoms (female and traditional). It is amazing how safe people think they are just because they are dealing with the same sex. The scary part was actually the number of women who said they were lesbians, but actually slept with men on a regular basis. We had to rephrase the research to say women who partner with women...because you just never know.

One of my students was famous for that line. "I'm a lesbian, I just happen to have a boyfriend". And she was serious. Maybe I will get back into that line of work one day. A lot of the funding for these types of research and programs have been cut. I actually interviewed with the Lesbian Health Center at the Whitman Walker Clinic last year. Unfortunately, it seems they have lost a lot of staff. So I guess it is kind of good I didn't get that job. Well I know it is...it didn't pay nearly enough to live in DC metro area.

Overall, I do think I want to go back into this field. For me, it was fun, interesting, and I got to meet a lot of people that I wouldn't normally have met. Plus, anytime you get to talk about sex and get paid for it, is a plus!

I gotta get this off my chest.....

I feel like I have dealt with this stuff already, but the fact that it is resurfacing tells me that I have not dealt with it as efficiently as first thought.

Today, on Tyra she talked to two women who decided it was best for them to find out how their families and friends thought about them and then they had a separate Truth Panel who essentially told it like it was without regards to feelings. The kicker was that the women were behind a two way mirror listening to everything.

One of the girls was really just depressed. I mean I could see that from jump. Tyra in her big sister way asks her when all of this started. She says when she lost her job (i can relate)...she was fired (I was too)...due to her performance ( mine was for? i could've been fired for being late to work everyday, but they said insubordination), from a job she absolutely loved ( i liked it a lot, i hated my supervisors). There is a lot here...so just bear with me a few.

At the same time I was in graduate school for a totally different field, working with lesbian health none the less. My mom came for graduation and like my life started to unravel from there. We got into a huge argument...I mean like atomic bomb huge. I stopped talking to her.

Work got worse after I got my degree, I guess I was too much now that I had a masters degree. Dare I ask for a raise (I didn't) or a different position (I didn't) or actually try to use my degree on the side (I didn't)-- but I could've. Maybe I did change. I don't know. I know I was trying to do my best but the higher ups were just so unsupportive. I asked for help (they used that against me). Shortly after that, I was fired.

Now this threw my world into a loop. I went from being financially secure to being....what...???? I wasn't talking to my momma. There was nothing I could do to get my job back. Everything I was told to do just made the situation worse and backfired. After it was all said and done I realized that my position was never secure. I was going to be eliminated one way or the other--regardless of my actions. That hurt. All of the energy, time, and money spent -- for what?

I collected unemployment for awhile...interviewed for a few positions most unsuccessfully. I started thinking about this looking at sister girl on Tyra. Her family was saying all of this awful stuff about her, but never to her face. And all of her actions stemmed from her being seriously depressed. They were more concerned about their feelings then about her actual health. Her depression was obvious. She drank a lot, she gained a lot of weight, her behavior was uncharacteristic of her.

My depression wasn't as visible. I kept a smile on my face, got dressed, was engaged with society. But sometimes my decisions didn't seem to be the best decisions...my plan didn't turn out so well. That made me think, my family is probably saying stuff about me as well, everyone always has something to say. Especially about where I should be applying for jobs. I had my life all mapped out before. I imagined retiring from that old job. I could see it, but apparently God has other plans. Every now and then someone will tell me to go work at Target or something like that...or come home. For goodness sakes, what makes people think I haven't applied at Target? I can't stand when people say that as if everyone gets hired in retail or fast food...they don't!

Since then I have worked in 2 unfulfilling jobs that I was damn near fired from...the 1st, I just wasn't given any more hours, the 2nd I wasn't good at manipulating people so I had to go(at least that's what my boss said damn near everyday.) I won't be making that mistake again. Talk about miserable. It's not fun. It doesn't feel good.

I have so much that I want out of life. I am rebounding, making stuff happen, am grateful for the little things, and moving forward. That's why you see some gratitude posts every now and then. I want to feel like that all of the time. I can go back and read them and I feel happy all over again. The law of attraction...I remember when whatever I wanted, I got...I spoke it into existence. I just had a negativity overload the past few years...and I am in detox mode right now. People don't understand that what they say to people effects them in unseen ways. You could say it in passing and it is stuck on them for a whole day or even a year. So practice positive speaking and positive thinking...to yourself and to others.

Now my goals in life are a little different and in the words of abg "telling all my business" has been my first step in therapy. I really need a counselor.

Thanksgiving Plans...

I like holidays but at the same time, I hate them. I always feel guilty for not going home to Florida to my immediate family. But when I do go home, I feel guilty for not staying at my house...with my family (girlfriend,cousin etc.).

Last year, I couldn't go home due to having to work. My aunt came here and it was really cool. I guess I am just a little homesick right now. Missing the family: granny's sweet potatoe pie, macaroni and cheese, and all of that.

I'm so grateful...

I went to church today and it was so good. It is a traditional church, but the pastor their is so real and annointed. I did run into one person who had something to say about homosexuals, but heck my momma has too. But what comes from the mouth of the pastor is another story. I believe God sent me there because what he says, fills my spirit every single time.

Someone asked if I was advocating going to an affirming church, (Tami? was that you). I have been to an affirming church and it was affirming and very different. It was the first time that I actually felt comfortble with my sexuality, but at the same time I felt uncomfortable. We (friends) have had heated discussions why affirming churches are valid and needed versus traditional churches. But it is actually something in itself to get used too.

I think the best thing any one can do is just pray for guidance. Each experience is unique. So church, no church, affirming church totally up to you. I pray you receive what you seek. Have a blessed week.

I'm Chillaxin....

I'm so glad that:

Gas prices are down. I can put $10 in and it's more than a quarter of a tank.

I made some money this weekend.

I met some great people.

My mom and I are really getting along. I mean, even talking about politics has been a breeze...just not sexuality...I'll take my wins in small doses.

My wireless internet is working from home...and I am not sitting in Panera.

It snowed...it was only a little bit, but the dusting we got was so cute.

I am so glad that all of my dreams are coming true.

I even had a pizza last night...reminded me of college, $5 domino pizzas from the guy walking through the dorm...ahh memories. Plus it was delicious.

I have stumbled upon some great blogs...and ya'll keep me cracking up laughing.

My neighbor's baby is sooo cute. She was laughing for no damn reason. Adorable.

I sold the cutest purse this weekend....that really made me feel good.

I had a lot of insight about my neighbors...I didn't like them at first...but now...they are okay.

I have love, joy, prosperity, gratitude, and God. This is a great life!

$10,000 a day....

Why do people hate on people with money? I see a lot of hating especially with The Real Housewives of Atlanta cast, these corporate moguls, and others. The media went out of control about the automaker ceo's riding in a private jet to DC.

I am being completely honest when I say, when I become a millionaire, I will be traveling on a private jet. I will not look down on someone who can't fly on a private jet, and I won't feel guilty for flying on a private jet. I look at Kimmora, Oprah, Bill (Gates) and I see a life that I want (somewhat...some of the stuff that they go through is extreme) but the ease of knowing that what you want, you can have because money is no object is freeing.

A friend sent me this game called The Prosperity Game. Essentially, they give you money and you are to do whatever you want with it. So the first day is $100. If someone gave you a $100 a day for the next 30 days what would you do with it? I would go out to dinner with the first $100 dollars. Put me in the right frame of mind of enjoying this money. There is nothing worse then getting money and not enjoying it. Like if you got the $100 and you felt bad because you had to pay a bill. It's not the paying the bill that makes it bad...but the feeling...so I am doing something I want to do first, then I will do what I have to do. Does that make since?

I saw somewhere else where people have set up different amounts. I am going with $10,000. So if you were given $10,000 a day for 30 days what would you do with the money?