I haven't gone into talking about myself much lately because there isn't much to say. 30 was a year of discovery and boy have I learned a lot. But there was just stuff I learned...nothing needing analysis or critique. That leads me to my mom...our relationship is so much better now. Today she is flying back home from a Republican Women's Conference and she sent me a text from the airport. Near the end of the conversation I told her to have fun and you know...those types of pleasentries. She was like I am on my way home. I said I know...you can have fun and enjoy the moment anywhere. Then she called me deep. I could imagine her face and expression as she is sitting at the airport ...tired... after a long week of hobnobbing and schmoozing and I am telling her to have MORE fun. I cracked up laughing. I remembered something I was told -- Enjoy the moment.
Sometimes we get so caught up on completing a task...we forget to enjoy the task.
If you like sewing, take pleasure in threading that needle-- it is the start of a new project-- a new beginning.
If you like writing, don't get caught up in the completion of the story...enjoy the writing. Enjoy the creative process. Enjoy Life! God put us here to get as much pleasure as possible! How good can you stand it?
Showing posts with label emotional health. Show all posts
Showing posts with label emotional health. Show all posts
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Processing
I'm only writing when I feel moved to write. I hope that you still come around and send me emails. It's just that I can get so wrapped up on-line, that I don't accomplish the things I need to throughout the day. Plus, I don't want to fill your minds with garbage. And that's what I would be doing if I wrote everyday just for the sake of writing. I won't do that. I won't be using this blog to bash the world. There is enough of that going on already. I want this to be a place where I can process- you can process- we can process and move into a great place in our lives. I want to sow good seeds.
If you haven't noticed, lately I have been really processing my life. Defining my hopes and dreams while searching my heart for answers has been refreshing. Every few months I find out something wonderful about myself. But this time, I think it goes even deeper than just my normal processing.
The silence has helped the internal critic understand actions and desires more clearly. I am getting back to my roots; not the superficial stuff that everyone else thinks they know, but my authentic self that I haven't shown to many people- maybe no one but God. It's a cleansing. Year 30 is the year I cleanse and snatch and live the life I have long desired.
I was telling a friend, I feel as though I have leaped to year 45 in wisdom because I just have no time for nonsense anymore. I think middle-aged women are fascinating, because that is when they decide to live their life. I want to live my life now. I don't want to get caught up on that monotonous train of duty and obligation and miss the train to relaxation, fun, peace and enjoyment.
Until next time, have fun! ~ Tam
If you haven't noticed, lately I have been really processing my life. Defining my hopes and dreams while searching my heart for answers has been refreshing. Every few months I find out something wonderful about myself. But this time, I think it goes even deeper than just my normal processing.
The silence has helped the internal critic understand actions and desires more clearly. I am getting back to my roots; not the superficial stuff that everyone else thinks they know, but my authentic self that I haven't shown to many people- maybe no one but God. It's a cleansing. Year 30 is the year I cleanse and snatch and live the life I have long desired.
I was telling a friend, I feel as though I have leaped to year 45 in wisdom because I just have no time for nonsense anymore. I think middle-aged women are fascinating, because that is when they decide to live their life. I want to live my life now. I don't want to get caught up on that monotonous train of duty and obligation and miss the train to relaxation, fun, peace and enjoyment.
Until next time, have fun! ~ Tam
Friday, June 12, 2009
Thinking, Thinking, Thinking
On several different occasions, I said to myself, "I am going to practice silence today." Only to wake up and immediately start talking. I mean goodness, who knew a person could talk so much. But I've been having really strange dreams this week so I really wanted to get inside my head and analyze.
I don't remember all of the one from last night, but one man in particular had a hit out on me. I don't know how much the people were getting paid, but they were very persistent. The wife of the person who paid for the hit let me know when and where the hit was taking place. So I was able to escape 2 or 3 times. This dream had my anxiety up a few notches. It wasn't as bad as some of the other dreams, but goodness who wants to be shot at with machine guns while trying to rest. The craziest thing about it was the wife made it seem like the man did this on a regular basis. LOL, that is funny to me now. She knew his exact M-O.
Today, I thought about being silent and went against it. Then I started to read another book and silence fell upon me. It is so peaceful. My stress levels have dropped a few meters. I can think clearly. Everything I have been trying to work out in my head just seems so easy.
Anne LeClaire, the author of the book, Listening Below the Noise, suggests making some of your daily chores into moments of silence. Take it as a time to reflect. I began to think about my Granny.
In particular, I thought about her sitting in the kitchen making potato salad.(I am craving hers right now!) Many people just cook and peel the potatoes, add the seasonings, and everything else. My granny's process is a little more methodical. It's a production- boil the potatoes; boil the eggs; peel the potatoes; peel the eggs; remove the yolk from the eggs; dice the potatoes, onions, celery and egg whites into small squares; add the relish,mustard, and secret ingredients. She would then taste it, correct the flavor, add mayo, and finish off the salad in a nice bowl with pretty garnish.
All the while she's silent. She rarely talked while cooking. She seems so focused and intent on the food. I never thought, until now, that she could have been doing some serious thinking, rationalizing, and meditating. She is always so calm, cool, and collected you wouldn't think she had a worry in the world.
With my anxiety level lower, I am a better girlfriend. I am a better friend. I am a better business partner. I am a better person- period. I thought this "silence" would be a one time or unscheduled thing. I am beginning to thing otherwise. I need to do this. I feel centered, focused, refreshed-- and it's only been a couple of hours.
I don't remember all of the one from last night, but one man in particular had a hit out on me. I don't know how much the people were getting paid, but they were very persistent. The wife of the person who paid for the hit let me know when and where the hit was taking place. So I was able to escape 2 or 3 times. This dream had my anxiety up a few notches. It wasn't as bad as some of the other dreams, but goodness who wants to be shot at with machine guns while trying to rest. The craziest thing about it was the wife made it seem like the man did this on a regular basis. LOL, that is funny to me now. She knew his exact M-O.
Today, I thought about being silent and went against it. Then I started to read another book and silence fell upon me. It is so peaceful. My stress levels have dropped a few meters. I can think clearly. Everything I have been trying to work out in my head just seems so easy.
Anne LeClaire, the author of the book, Listening Below the Noise, suggests making some of your daily chores into moments of silence. Take it as a time to reflect. I began to think about my Granny.
In particular, I thought about her sitting in the kitchen making potato salad.(I am craving hers right now!) Many people just cook and peel the potatoes, add the seasonings, and everything else. My granny's process is a little more methodical. It's a production- boil the potatoes; boil the eggs; peel the potatoes; peel the eggs; remove the yolk from the eggs; dice the potatoes, onions, celery and egg whites into small squares; add the relish,mustard, and secret ingredients. She would then taste it, correct the flavor, add mayo, and finish off the salad in a nice bowl with pretty garnish.
All the while she's silent. She rarely talked while cooking. She seems so focused and intent on the food. I never thought, until now, that she could have been doing some serious thinking, rationalizing, and meditating. She is always so calm, cool, and collected you wouldn't think she had a worry in the world.
With my anxiety level lower, I am a better girlfriend. I am a better friend. I am a better business partner. I am a better person- period. I thought this "silence" would be a one time or unscheduled thing. I am beginning to thing otherwise. I need to do this. I feel centered, focused, refreshed-- and it's only been a couple of hours.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Lessons Learned 2008-2009
Time is a great buffer. I have learned more lessons now than even the ones I thought I had learned at the beginning of the year. Here they are:
1. A dream won't come true if you don't a) really want it; b) believe it will come true; and c) put in the work to make it happen.
2. I write down my hopes, wishes, and desires. I took a look back over the last year and realized that it was a whole bunch of stuff that I thought I wanted that I could totally care less about.
For instance, I thought I wanted to keep my car for the rest of my life. It was going to be that junker that I drove anywhere I could. I put way too much money into trying to keep it running; all the while planning the next car I would buy. That was a contradiction. I should have let the car go a long time ago and bought the one I really wanted.
3. I also learned that it is totally okay to go against the norm. You would think I learned this lesson a long time ago but clearly I didn't. I spent a lot of time, money, and energy looking for a traditional job. And then God blesses me with a non-traditional job when that's what I wanted all along. LOL. So funny.
And finally I learned that God and the universe will provide all of my true wants, needs, and desires-the ones that I don't contradict myself on. And one that won't make much sense because there is so much that is behind it, but I don't have to control anything but my mind.
1. A dream won't come true if you don't a) really want it; b) believe it will come true; and c) put in the work to make it happen.
2. I write down my hopes, wishes, and desires. I took a look back over the last year and realized that it was a whole bunch of stuff that I thought I wanted that I could totally care less about.
For instance, I thought I wanted to keep my car for the rest of my life. It was going to be that junker that I drove anywhere I could. I put way too much money into trying to keep it running; all the while planning the next car I would buy. That was a contradiction. I should have let the car go a long time ago and bought the one I really wanted.
3. I also learned that it is totally okay to go against the norm. You would think I learned this lesson a long time ago but clearly I didn't. I spent a lot of time, money, and energy looking for a traditional job. And then God blesses me with a non-traditional job when that's what I wanted all along. LOL. So funny.
And finally I learned that God and the universe will provide all of my true wants, needs, and desires-the ones that I don't contradict myself on. And one that won't make much sense because there is so much that is behind it, but I don't have to control anything but my mind.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Cooking up a storm...
I forgot to tell you all I have been on a cooking spree. Not ramen noodle cooking either. Like today, I made an italian pasta salad and added garlic bread. Yesterday I made black bean burgers. I know...it may not sound appealing, but it is delicious. I saw a recipe in Gourmet magazine and I tweaked it with the actual ingredients I had in the pantry.
I was telling my girlfriend it is because when I went home for Christmas, I didn't eat out fast food once. I ate home cooking everyday accept the one time my mom took me to a nice restaurant called Lily House. And it was basically home cooking too. But I appreciated that time with my family and the good delightful eats that I consumed.
Since being home, I have eaten out at some fast food joints, but not like I used to. I will forego a double cheeseburger for the grocery store. I now swing by the markets more frequently, look at recipes more often and actually taste my food. All I can say is my tummy has been screaming hmm hmm good an awful lot lately. Ciao.
I was telling my girlfriend it is because when I went home for Christmas, I didn't eat out fast food once. I ate home cooking everyday accept the one time my mom took me to a nice restaurant called Lily House. And it was basically home cooking too. But I appreciated that time with my family and the good delightful eats that I consumed.
Since being home, I have eaten out at some fast food joints, but not like I used to. I will forego a double cheeseburger for the grocery store. I now swing by the markets more frequently, look at recipes more often and actually taste my food. All I can say is my tummy has been screaming hmm hmm good an awful lot lately. Ciao.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
No More Drama
Yeah, Mary J Blige. I love her. If you look at her career, it's been a ride. If she hadn't told us what she was going through, we probably wouldn't have ever known. I was thinking, wow she has truly grown up. I mean she says she had some toxic people around her and toxic behaviors abounded. She eliminitated the toxins from her life and look at her now. I mean she probably still has issues right? Everyone does.
But what is important is how she looks at her life now. She's happy for the little things and the big things.
So that's basically what I have been doing through the gratitude posts: eliminating toxins from my life. If you look at this blog in the beginning until now...I have grown. You may not be able to see that, but I have. Trying to figure out what to write about is one thing, but dealing with other people's emotions is quite another. So I had to let some people go and realize that it's not always about me!
When people say silly s&*t it is about them and their insecurities. People who have issues with gay marriage have an issue with their marriage or the lack thereof. When your parents nag you about your life or your friends criticize it's because they don't like what is going on with them. I was sitting here reading other people's blogs and realized that we are all going through the same sh*t...and for what? Like my family always had something to say about my hair. Why? Because there hair wasn't as long as mine, as thick as mine, and they wanted hair just like mine in it's relaxed state. But I am cool without a relaxer, so I will remain natural.
Our emotions can only be toyed with if we allow it. I am tired of playing games and feeding into other people's insecurities. Screw 'em. If somebody doesn't like what you do or say, Screw 'em. If they don't like who you are sleeping with this week, screw them too! If your life doesn't fit there little playbook...tell em ... that's right screw you...I really want to say the F word...but I am trying to eliminate it from my vocabulary.
2008 is coming to an end and it is high time to decide to live your life for you. Stop getting caught up in this everyday drama from the outside sources (news, other people, etc.). Have you made your "easy life" to-do list for 2009-2013, not a resolution...they never get done, but how about a 4 year plan?
But what is important is how she looks at her life now. She's happy for the little things and the big things.
So that's basically what I have been doing through the gratitude posts: eliminating toxins from my life. If you look at this blog in the beginning until now...I have grown. You may not be able to see that, but I have. Trying to figure out what to write about is one thing, but dealing with other people's emotions is quite another. So I had to let some people go and realize that it's not always about me!
When people say silly s&*t it is about them and their insecurities. People who have issues with gay marriage have an issue with their marriage or the lack thereof. When your parents nag you about your life or your friends criticize it's because they don't like what is going on with them. I was sitting here reading other people's blogs and realized that we are all going through the same sh*t...and for what? Like my family always had something to say about my hair. Why? Because there hair wasn't as long as mine, as thick as mine, and they wanted hair just like mine in it's relaxed state. But I am cool without a relaxer, so I will remain natural.
Our emotions can only be toyed with if we allow it. I am tired of playing games and feeding into other people's insecurities. Screw 'em. If somebody doesn't like what you do or say, Screw 'em. If they don't like who you are sleeping with this week, screw them too! If your life doesn't fit there little playbook...tell em ... that's right screw you...I really want to say the F word...but I am trying to eliminate it from my vocabulary.
2008 is coming to an end and it is high time to decide to live your life for you. Stop getting caught up in this everyday drama from the outside sources (news, other people, etc.). Have you made your "easy life" to-do list for 2009-2013, not a resolution...they never get done, but how about a 4 year plan?
Monday, December 8, 2008
Straight and Narrow
I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired. It's like parents get together and have a secret meeting when they suspect their child of being gay. They have a script:
"I want grandchildren." (That's nice.)
"You've changed. You're just so different." (I have changed. I grew the hell up.) *LOL
"When are you going to give me some grandchildren?" (When are you going to give me $1 million?)
"You should get married." (You should have voted no on Prop 8 and maybe that would have occurred.)
"I want you to be happy. You don't seem happy." (I'm not because you are bugging the hell out of me.)
"You need a man." ( You need a man, so you can stay the hell out of my bedroom.)
"I just want what's best for you." ( I just want you to know that you don't get to decide what's best for me.)
I mean I just don't get it anymore. I am (and many of you are to) too old for this line of questioning. Alot of you are over the age of 18 and well on your own or making moves to get there, right? What happened to, "When you get out of my house, you can do anything you want to do with your life." When did parents decide that they wanted to continue to control their kids lives post high school and college? In the words of Major Payne, "Pop your ti-ttie out his mouth" and let people do them.
Growing up, we did not question our parents actions. No, we let them make decision upon decision without questioning them. Plus if we had, we might have gotten slapped. Now I know we can't slap our parents...well we could, but I wouldn't advise it, but there has to be a level of respect on both sides so that we can live our life the way we want to live it. Acceptance is one thing. Disrespect is another. How would you handle your parents constantly nagging you about these issues, when you have made it clear that it is 1) none of their damn business and 2) it ain't happening.
"I want grandchildren." (That's nice.)
"You've changed. You're just so different." (I have changed. I grew the hell up.) *LOL
"When are you going to give me some grandchildren?" (When are you going to give me $1 million?)
"You should get married." (You should have voted no on Prop 8 and maybe that would have occurred.)
"I want you to be happy. You don't seem happy." (I'm not because you are bugging the hell out of me.)
"You need a man." ( You need a man, so you can stay the hell out of my bedroom.)
"I just want what's best for you." ( I just want you to know that you don't get to decide what's best for me.)
I mean I just don't get it anymore. I am (and many of you are to) too old for this line of questioning. Alot of you are over the age of 18 and well on your own or making moves to get there, right? What happened to, "When you get out of my house, you can do anything you want to do with your life." When did parents decide that they wanted to continue to control their kids lives post high school and college? In the words of Major Payne, "Pop your ti-ttie out his mouth" and let people do them.
Growing up, we did not question our parents actions. No, we let them make decision upon decision without questioning them. Plus if we had, we might have gotten slapped. Now I know we can't slap our parents...well we could, but I wouldn't advise it, but there has to be a level of respect on both sides so that we can live our life the way we want to live it. Acceptance is one thing. Disrespect is another. How would you handle your parents constantly nagging you about these issues, when you have made it clear that it is 1) none of their damn business and 2) it ain't happening.
Monday, November 24, 2008
I gotta get this off my chest.....
I feel like I have dealt with this stuff already, but the fact that it is resurfacing tells me that I have not dealt with it as efficiently as first thought.
Today, on Tyra she talked to two women who decided it was best for them to find out how their families and friends thought about them and then they had a separate Truth Panel who essentially told it like it was without regards to feelings. The kicker was that the women were behind a two way mirror listening to everything.
One of the girls was really just depressed. I mean I could see that from jump. Tyra in her big sister way asks her when all of this started. She says when she lost her job (i can relate)...she was fired (I was too)...due to her performance ( mine was for? i could've been fired for being late to work everyday, but they said insubordination), from a job she absolutely loved ( i liked it a lot, i hated my supervisors). There is a lot here...so just bear with me a few.
At the same time I was in graduate school for a totally different field, working with lesbian health none the less. My mom came for graduation and like my life started to unravel from there. We got into a huge argument...I mean like atomic bomb huge. I stopped talking to her.
Work got worse after I got my degree, I guess I was too much now that I had a masters degree. Dare I ask for a raise (I didn't) or a different position (I didn't) or actually try to use my degree on the side (I didn't)-- but I could've. Maybe I did change. I don't know. I know I was trying to do my best but the higher ups were just so unsupportive. I asked for help (they used that against me). Shortly after that, I was fired.
Now this threw my world into a loop. I went from being financially secure to being....what...???? I wasn't talking to my momma. There was nothing I could do to get my job back. Everything I was told to do just made the situation worse and backfired. After it was all said and done I realized that my position was never secure. I was going to be eliminated one way or the other--regardless of my actions. That hurt. All of the energy, time, and money spent -- for what?
I collected unemployment for awhile...interviewed for a few positions most unsuccessfully. I started thinking about this looking at sister girl on Tyra. Her family was saying all of this awful stuff about her, but never to her face. And all of her actions stemmed from her being seriously depressed. They were more concerned about their feelings then about her actual health. Her depression was obvious. She drank a lot, she gained a lot of weight, her behavior was uncharacteristic of her.
My depression wasn't as visible. I kept a smile on my face, got dressed, was engaged with society. But sometimes my decisions didn't seem to be the best decisions...my plan didn't turn out so well. That made me think, my family is probably saying stuff about me as well, everyone always has something to say. Especially about where I should be applying for jobs. I had my life all mapped out before. I imagined retiring from that old job. I could see it, but apparently God has other plans. Every now and then someone will tell me to go work at Target or something like that...or come home. For goodness sakes, what makes people think I haven't applied at Target? I can't stand when people say that as if everyone gets hired in retail or fast food...they don't!
Since then I have worked in 2 unfulfilling jobs that I was damn near fired from...the 1st, I just wasn't given any more hours, the 2nd I wasn't good at manipulating people so I had to go(at least that's what my boss said damn near everyday.) I won't be making that mistake again. Talk about miserable. It's not fun. It doesn't feel good.
I have so much that I want out of life. I am rebounding, making stuff happen, am grateful for the little things, and moving forward. That's why you see some gratitude posts every now and then. I want to feel like that all of the time. I can go back and read them and I feel happy all over again. The law of attraction...I remember when whatever I wanted, I got...I spoke it into existence. I just had a negativity overload the past few years...and I am in detox mode right now. People don't understand that what they say to people effects them in unseen ways. You could say it in passing and it is stuck on them for a whole day or even a year. So practice positive speaking and positive thinking...to yourself and to others.
Now my goals in life are a little different and in the words of abg "telling all my business" has been my first step in therapy. I really need a counselor.
Today, on Tyra she talked to two women who decided it was best for them to find out how their families and friends thought about them and then they had a separate Truth Panel who essentially told it like it was without regards to feelings. The kicker was that the women were behind a two way mirror listening to everything.
One of the girls was really just depressed. I mean I could see that from jump. Tyra in her big sister way asks her when all of this started. She says when she lost her job (i can relate)...she was fired (I was too)...due to her performance ( mine was for? i could've been fired for being late to work everyday, but they said insubordination), from a job she absolutely loved ( i liked it a lot, i hated my supervisors). There is a lot here...so just bear with me a few.
At the same time I was in graduate school for a totally different field, working with lesbian health none the less. My mom came for graduation and like my life started to unravel from there. We got into a huge argument...I mean like atomic bomb huge. I stopped talking to her.
Work got worse after I got my degree, I guess I was too much now that I had a masters degree. Dare I ask for a raise (I didn't) or a different position (I didn't) or actually try to use my degree on the side (I didn't)-- but I could've. Maybe I did change. I don't know. I know I was trying to do my best but the higher ups were just so unsupportive. I asked for help (they used that against me). Shortly after that, I was fired.
Now this threw my world into a loop. I went from being financially secure to being....what...???? I wasn't talking to my momma. There was nothing I could do to get my job back. Everything I was told to do just made the situation worse and backfired. After it was all said and done I realized that my position was never secure. I was going to be eliminated one way or the other--regardless of my actions. That hurt. All of the energy, time, and money spent -- for what?
I collected unemployment for awhile...interviewed for a few positions most unsuccessfully. I started thinking about this looking at sister girl on Tyra. Her family was saying all of this awful stuff about her, but never to her face. And all of her actions stemmed from her being seriously depressed. They were more concerned about their feelings then about her actual health. Her depression was obvious. She drank a lot, she gained a lot of weight, her behavior was uncharacteristic of her.
My depression wasn't as visible. I kept a smile on my face, got dressed, was engaged with society. But sometimes my decisions didn't seem to be the best decisions...my plan didn't turn out so well. That made me think, my family is probably saying stuff about me as well, everyone always has something to say. Especially about where I should be applying for jobs. I had my life all mapped out before. I imagined retiring from that old job. I could see it, but apparently God has other plans. Every now and then someone will tell me to go work at Target or something like that...or come home. For goodness sakes, what makes people think I haven't applied at Target? I can't stand when people say that as if everyone gets hired in retail or fast food...they don't!
Since then I have worked in 2 unfulfilling jobs that I was damn near fired from...the 1st, I just wasn't given any more hours, the 2nd I wasn't good at manipulating people so I had to go(at least that's what my boss said damn near everyday.) I won't be making that mistake again. Talk about miserable. It's not fun. It doesn't feel good.
I have so much that I want out of life. I am rebounding, making stuff happen, am grateful for the little things, and moving forward. That's why you see some gratitude posts every now and then. I want to feel like that all of the time. I can go back and read them and I feel happy all over again. The law of attraction...I remember when whatever I wanted, I got...I spoke it into existence. I just had a negativity overload the past few years...and I am in detox mode right now. People don't understand that what they say to people effects them in unseen ways. You could say it in passing and it is stuck on them for a whole day or even a year. So practice positive speaking and positive thinking...to yourself and to others.
Now my goals in life are a little different and in the words of abg "telling all my business" has been my first step in therapy. I really need a counselor.
Monday, November 10, 2008
Feeling joy...again.
"Whether it's a trophy, money, relationships, or things, the achievement of anything that you desire must be considered success. Bu if you will let your standard of success be your achievement of joy, everything else will then fall easily into place."
The Law of Attraction Cards (The Teachings of Abraham)
by Esther and Jerry Hicks
card 32
The Law of Attraction Cards (The Teachings of Abraham)
by Esther and Jerry Hicks
card 32
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