Saturday, November 29, 2008

I'm so grateful...

that I have you all to talk too. I mean my life has changed so much in the last few days.

that Thanksgiving dinner was better than expected. I had some banging sweet potatoe pie...and I am still full. I don't really need to eat for the next few days. Seriously.

that unexpected miracles keep happening. I am just going with the flow of this prosperity and abundance. I am so so grateful...I will blog about these as they develop further.

that I have great friends, great family, and serve a great God.

that it has been warm for the last few days. No super duper cold for the holiday...Yeah!

that I have dreams...that no one can take from me, that I know I will accomplish.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Sex? I'm a virgin...

That's my lie and I am sticking to it. LOL. Since I wrote the post referencing my graduate studies, I remembered I am an expert in something: Lesbian Health!

I mean I studied that thang. I participated in workshops, wrote numerous papers, created an online training for healthcare providers, and really became a "master of the craft" (that's what my girlfriend said). I totally forgot about that part of my studies...It did give me joy.

I got to learn about different types of std prevention, contraceptives, and all the lies straight girls tell about their sex life. One of my classmates and I even contemplated working with "community sex workers" for one of our projects. The health department had a unit that went out and did free HIV tests and another organization even worked with them to get them off drugs and such. It was amazing how many women who participated in this craft for a living actually identified as bi. It was their coping mechanism (that's what the psychologist in me said, but it may be they were actually bi).

I had the idea of starting a non-profit that would distribute safe sex paraphernalia for women. I wanted to do a social marketing campaign encouraging women to use dental dam, gloves, and even condoms (female and traditional). It is amazing how safe people think they are just because they are dealing with the same sex. The scary part was actually the number of women who said they were lesbians, but actually slept with men on a regular basis. We had to rephrase the research to say women who partner with women...because you just never know.

One of my students was famous for that line. "I'm a lesbian, I just happen to have a boyfriend". And she was serious. Maybe I will get back into that line of work one day. A lot of the funding for these types of research and programs have been cut. I actually interviewed with the Lesbian Health Center at the Whitman Walker Clinic last year. Unfortunately, it seems they have lost a lot of staff. So I guess it is kind of good I didn't get that job. Well I know it is...it didn't pay nearly enough to live in DC metro area.

Overall, I do think I want to go back into this field. For me, it was fun, interesting, and I got to meet a lot of people that I wouldn't normally have met. Plus, anytime you get to talk about sex and get paid for it, is a plus!

Monday, November 24, 2008

I gotta get this off my chest.....

I feel like I have dealt with this stuff already, but the fact that it is resurfacing tells me that I have not dealt with it as efficiently as first thought.

Today, on Tyra she talked to two women who decided it was best for them to find out how their families and friends thought about them and then they had a separate Truth Panel who essentially told it like it was without regards to feelings. The kicker was that the women were behind a two way mirror listening to everything.

One of the girls was really just depressed. I mean I could see that from jump. Tyra in her big sister way asks her when all of this started. She says when she lost her job (i can relate)...she was fired (I was too)...due to her performance ( mine was for? i could've been fired for being late to work everyday, but they said insubordination), from a job she absolutely loved ( i liked it a lot, i hated my supervisors). There is a lot here...so just bear with me a few.

At the same time I was in graduate school for a totally different field, working with lesbian health none the less. My mom came for graduation and like my life started to unravel from there. We got into a huge argument...I mean like atomic bomb huge. I stopped talking to her.

Work got worse after I got my degree, I guess I was too much now that I had a masters degree. Dare I ask for a raise (I didn't) or a different position (I didn't) or actually try to use my degree on the side (I didn't)-- but I could've. Maybe I did change. I don't know. I know I was trying to do my best but the higher ups were just so unsupportive. I asked for help (they used that against me). Shortly after that, I was fired.

Now this threw my world into a loop. I went from being financially secure to being....what...???? I wasn't talking to my momma. There was nothing I could do to get my job back. Everything I was told to do just made the situation worse and backfired. After it was all said and done I realized that my position was never secure. I was going to be eliminated one way or the other--regardless of my actions. That hurt. All of the energy, time, and money spent -- for what?

I collected unemployment for awhile...interviewed for a few positions most unsuccessfully. I started thinking about this looking at sister girl on Tyra. Her family was saying all of this awful stuff about her, but never to her face. And all of her actions stemmed from her being seriously depressed. They were more concerned about their feelings then about her actual health. Her depression was obvious. She drank a lot, she gained a lot of weight, her behavior was uncharacteristic of her.

My depression wasn't as visible. I kept a smile on my face, got dressed, was engaged with society. But sometimes my decisions didn't seem to be the best decisions...my plan didn't turn out so well. That made me think, my family is probably saying stuff about me as well, everyone always has something to say. Especially about where I should be applying for jobs. I had my life all mapped out before. I imagined retiring from that old job. I could see it, but apparently God has other plans. Every now and then someone will tell me to go work at Target or something like that...or come home. For goodness sakes, what makes people think I haven't applied at Target? I can't stand when people say that as if everyone gets hired in retail or fast food...they don't!

Since then I have worked in 2 unfulfilling jobs that I was damn near fired from...the 1st, I just wasn't given any more hours, the 2nd I wasn't good at manipulating people so I had to go(at least that's what my boss said damn near everyday.) I won't be making that mistake again. Talk about miserable. It's not fun. It doesn't feel good.

I have so much that I want out of life. I am rebounding, making stuff happen, am grateful for the little things, and moving forward. That's why you see some gratitude posts every now and then. I want to feel like that all of the time. I can go back and read them and I feel happy all over again. The law of attraction...I remember when whatever I wanted, I got...I spoke it into existence. I just had a negativity overload the past few years...and I am in detox mode right now. People don't understand that what they say to people effects them in unseen ways. You could say it in passing and it is stuck on them for a whole day or even a year. So practice positive speaking and positive thinking...to yourself and to others.

Now my goals in life are a little different and in the words of abg "telling all my business" has been my first step in therapy. I really need a counselor.

Thanksgiving Plans...

I like holidays but at the same time, I hate them. I always feel guilty for not going home to Florida to my immediate family. But when I do go home, I feel guilty for not staying at my house...with my family (girlfriend,cousin etc.).

Last year, I couldn't go home due to having to work. My aunt came here and it was really cool. I guess I am just a little homesick right now. Missing the family: granny's sweet potatoe pie, macaroni and cheese, and all of that.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

I'm so grateful...

I went to church today and it was so good. It is a traditional church, but the pastor their is so real and annointed. I did run into one person who had something to say about homosexuals, but heck my momma has too. But what comes from the mouth of the pastor is another story. I believe God sent me there because what he says, fills my spirit every single time.

Someone asked if I was advocating going to an affirming church, (Tami? was that you). I have been to an affirming church and it was affirming and very different. It was the first time that I actually felt comfortble with my sexuality, but at the same time I felt uncomfortable. We (friends) have had heated discussions why affirming churches are valid and needed versus traditional churches. But it is actually something in itself to get used too.

I think the best thing any one can do is just pray for guidance. Each experience is unique. So church, no church, affirming church totally up to you. I pray you receive what you seek. Have a blessed week.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

I'm Chillaxin....

I'm so glad that:

Gas prices are down. I can put $10 in and it's more than a quarter of a tank.

I made some money this weekend.

I met some great people.

My mom and I are really getting along. I mean, even talking about politics has been a breeze...just not sexuality...I'll take my wins in small doses.

My wireless internet is working from home...and I am not sitting in Panera.

It snowed...it was only a little bit, but the dusting we got was so cute.

I am so glad that all of my dreams are coming true.

I even had a pizza last night...reminded me of college, $5 domino pizzas from the guy walking through the dorm...ahh memories. Plus it was delicious.

I have stumbled upon some great blogs...and ya'll keep me cracking up laughing.

My neighbor's baby is sooo cute. She was laughing for no damn reason. Adorable.

I sold the cutest purse this weekend....that really made me feel good.

I had a lot of insight about my neighbors...I didn't like them at first...but now...they are okay.

I have love, joy, prosperity, gratitude, and God. This is a great life!

$10,000 a day....

Why do people hate on people with money? I see a lot of hating especially with The Real Housewives of Atlanta cast, these corporate moguls, and others. The media went out of control about the automaker ceo's riding in a private jet to DC.

I am being completely honest when I say, when I become a millionaire, I will be traveling on a private jet. I will not look down on someone who can't fly on a private jet, and I won't feel guilty for flying on a private jet. I look at Kimmora, Oprah, Bill (Gates) and I see a life that I want (somewhat...some of the stuff that they go through is extreme) but the ease of knowing that what you want, you can have because money is no object is freeing.

A friend sent me this game called The Prosperity Game. Essentially, they give you money and you are to do whatever you want with it. So the first day is $100. If someone gave you a $100 a day for the next 30 days what would you do with it? I would go out to dinner with the first $100 dollars. Put me in the right frame of mind of enjoying this money. There is nothing worse then getting money and not enjoying it. Like if you got the $100 and you felt bad because you had to pay a bill. It's not the paying the bill that makes it bad...but the feeling...so I am doing something I want to do first, then I will do what I have to do. Does that make since?

I saw somewhere else where people have set up different amounts. I am going with $10,000. So if you were given $10,000 a day for 30 days what would you do with the money?

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Blogger or Word Press

So I am reading blogs, and I notice...my blog is okay...but some people's blogs are downright cute. I want a cute blog. Blogger doesn't have that many choices. I was looking at WordPress and considering switching. Does anyone have any advice? Should I stick with blogger since I am already established hear or does asthetics take precedence?

A dream deferred...

So, yesterday was our anniversary. I was so surprised that my girlfriend...made dinner. I know, it sounds like...what? Dinner, that's all? But here me out.

First of all, she wanted to go to culinary school. She actually got accepted and they played with her financial aid...$40. Yes, $40 was all they gave her. So she took a step back but in the process she stopped cooking all together. And she can throw down. Now she only cooks like on holidays and even that is a rarity considering we go to other people's houses or someone else cooks at our house. I know. Sad. You probably wonder how we eat, if neither one of us cook...by the grace of God. LOL.

But last night, my baby threw it down, in more ways than one. ;-) She made pork steak, collard greens, and potatoes with onions. It was sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo delicious. I made sure that I saved some, because I wanted that meal to last. Actually it was a lot of food for only the two of us. Then she surprised me with my favorite candy: butterfinger and reese's peanut butter cups. I enjoyed my evening. Then we cuddled. It was sweet.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

WZUP

Ya'll I was exhausted this weekend. Can you say, get in the house and immediately take a nap. That was me. Turns out, my coming out problem was not a problem at all. The people we were concerned about did not even show up. It's unfortunate though...that's been added to my vocabulary this weekend since it was so damn depressing in some aspects. But I don't even want to relive that agony....so moving on...

I am still pondering writing a book. I have started a few. But I never get past like chapter 1. Sad, I know. They aren't heavy reads, humorous really. I will probably finish at least one, while on vacation.

During the holidays I like to go to this event titled Holiday Parade of Homes. These homes are newly constructed and absolutely gorgeous. They have them decorated and stuff for the holiday season. They have snacks and food throughout. Believe me when you are walking through a 3 level 6 bedroom, 4.5 bath home with 2 kitchens, and 4 fireplaces... at least a cup of water is warranted.LOL.The event serves as a fundraiser for the local Habitat for Humanity. If you have the ability too, check out your area and see what good causes are available for you to support.

I was going through a tough time and had to lean on social services and other organizations, and you think that when they say emergency assistance, thats what it means. Nope. Emergency assistance here means $300 (1 x per 12 month period) for your rent, and thats if you have an eviction notice or utility bill with a disconnect notice. What is that? But anywho in this time of year especially with the status of some people (unemployed, etc) if you have it and can share it, even something as small as working at a soup kitchen, please do. Can you imagine how many lgbt folk fall into this category?

Taking my community service coordinator hat off....Have a great day.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Today would be a real good day

to have some of you online friends as real life friends. But I guess, it is something that I have to lean on God for guidance. Wasn't that my lesson. I will let you know how it turns out.

P.S. Be sure to take a look at my last comment on previous post. :-)

Thursday, November 13, 2008

I have a confession to make.

The closet door is open, but I still have 1 foot in....I only halfway came out. I sent the link to people I really wanted to know. Others don't even know this blog exists. My family reads, but my girlfriend's family has no idea this blog exists. People I used to work with don't know this blog exists. Why? Fear...and some I just don't want all up in my bedroom. I want to come out all the way. But there has always been so much speculation...I don't want people to be right. LOL. Does that make sense? All of the whispers and bets, someone is going to win them. But I don't want to be the one to confirm it...At my former job, I never confirmed nor denied. I even had an incident where a group of students found out, but once again... I just sort of laughed it off to, "Are you trying to hook up with me?" My girlfriend is not out...and I don't want to be the one to out her. If I did come all the way out, everyone would automatically know. What's a girl to do?

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Why? Why me?

Growing up, I went to church pretty regularly. I was in the youth choir, went to Sunday school, very active in the youth department, girl scouts, and all of that good stuff. I was even in the gospel choir at school. The only times I missed services were graduation night, prom night, grad night celebration at Disney World, and if I was out of town or spending the night with someone who didn’t go to church. Essentially, church and God were a big part of my life. A lot of times in church, I tried to follow along, but I just didn’t get what the pastor was saying.

I stopped going to church sophomore or junior year of college. It was so different. Churches here are huge. They have different customs from what I was used to. Why did they send me tithing envelopes and I wasn’t even a member of the church? Why did they require that you attend new member orientation? What in the heck was an overflow room? (I really want to say why come.) Why was it a requirement to only date members of the church? Why do people “catch the spirit” on cue? Why are you asking people to put $10000 in the offering plate? What happened to just giving what you want to give? Then all of a sudden, every time you turned around someone was gay bashing. I am only actually describing 6 churches out of over 900. But they definitely put a bad taste in my mouth.

This year, I finally visited a church where I truly enjoy the service. It reminded me of my home church. They even have the same color scheme. It is about the same size. I especially love it because every time I go, the message seems to be specially tailored to my feelings, thoughts, and situations. I have been practicing not just listening to the message on that day, but also reflecting on the message and integrating it into my everyday life. I have been going through some “trials and tribulations” but I couldn’t figure out why. For a very long time, I have been seeking acceptance from people I shouldn’t have had to seek it from. Maya Angelou says, “People show you who they are, the first time. It is up to you to listen.” You would be amazed at the things I have done because I didn’t listen to people the first time they showed their tail with me. It made me really unhappy. Why me though? What was the lesson I was supposed to be learning?

Psalm 91: 1-2 (NKJV)
He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High
Shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.
I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress;
my God in him I will trust”.

I need to trust God. I only have to trust God. I have to relinquish my control over to him and trust that he orders my steps appropriately. All of the stuff I have been doing was in vain because it was aggressive, not producing the desired results, and not done in consultation with my higher power. The self was taking over…the scared gay girl who seeks financial security, but loves being creative let fear step in instead of God and had me working overtime in my head, instead of my heart. And although He did allow earthly parents to bring us here, we are His children.

Psalm 121: 1-2(NKJV)
I will lift up my eyes to the hills-
From whence comes my help?
My help comes from the Lord,
Who made heaven and earth.

My lesson: Instead of running to people, run to God.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Slow Down....

I am going to:

relax more

not be so high strung

enjoy life

read other peoples blogs more often, not just the ones currently on my list

cook more ( i made ramen noodles with green peas the other day)

look at more comedy sitcoms

laugh at least 5 times a day

basically, take a chill pill.

Feeling joy...again.

"Whether it's a trophy, money, relationships, or things, the achievement of anything that you desire must be considered success. Bu if you will let your standard of success be your achievement of joy, everything else will then fall easily into place."

The Law of Attraction Cards (The Teachings of Abraham)
by Esther and Jerry Hicks
card 32

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Back to life..

Back to reality...I know you remember that song. But anywho...I am feeling "in limbo" right now. I want so much from life, but it feels somewhat elusive. I want to do things for me, instead of doing them for others. This rant stems from me " not having a real job". That statement in itself has me pissed. You already know who said it...yep, my momma.

I work hard. I update 2 blogs, conduct interviews for freelance jobs, write articles for the deux dames website, make clutches and purses for sale on the blog, website, and arts & crafts fairs. Plus I look for other venues to spread our work, collaborate with others all while trying to keep a roof over my head and food in my tummy. I work-Everyday-In some fashion or another. At night I am so tired, I drift off to sleep with no problem (i used to be a terrible insomniac). I am almost at that level of success, I have been trying to reach...I just want a little bit of SUPPORT. Is that too much to ask?

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Every gay girl should have...



$34.99 at Barnes and Noble, cheaper than some marriage licenses, more valuable than an engagement ring. My whole gripe with the current marriage law in NC is that I can marry my first cousin, yes...my aunts son, my mom's sister's son, but I can't marry my girlfriend. Now that's just nasty.

Next addition to the would you rather series:

Would you rather marry someone of the same gender or marry a relative?

Thursday, November 6, 2008

One Monkey Don't Stop No Show....

Many people are discouraged that even though Barack Obama was elected president many gay marriage initiatives have been defeated (at least for now). I think people must take a page out of Barack's book. You have to remain positive and keep it moving.

Don't let the drama, and fear of others control your outlook on life in this country. Keep being the wonderful person that God created. And remain steadfast, unmoveable, and unwavering in your belief that you will be able to get married to your significant other one day. I refuse to think of these circumstances as permanent...it is just a temporary present, getting ready for a phenomenal future.

As a matter of fact, why are we allowing other people to dictate our future? You don't need the states to tell you that you can get married. If you want to get married...damn it get married. Call your boo...your wife,,,instead of your partner/significant other/lover. Go to a church (there are many that perform gay marriages) and ask the minister to perform your wedding. Here in NC, Rev Tonya Rawls is a phenomenal minister who I know when we are ready will be performing our wedding. Get all of your paperwork in order and move on with your life.

Stop talking about what others' won't allow us to do and just do it, if that is what you want to do. That's what Barack did.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Anything is Possible

I have been trying to come to grips with this feeling of elation inside of me. Trying to figure out why I am so excited; what it is called...excitement just doesn't seem appropriate. It's more than excitement, jubilation, and similar expressions combined. Moving forward throughout the day as I ran into more people, talked to family and friends all across the country the sense of something bigger than us was going on and there indeed was hope for a better America. Hope. Peace. Love. I went to church last night, great message, leave the past behind and move forward looking toward the possibilities of better days. That triggered the simple phrase that accurately depicted how I was feeling all day:

With unwavering, unshakeable, unmoveable faith, anything is possible.

Congratulations America

This is one of those things that was bound to happen. As I was at the library last night, I heard mounds of people talking about they didn't vote...it was against their religion...McCain was going to win anyway...etc, etc. They mocked the desire for people to really want change and actually go out and do it.

But this was bound to happen. With or without the naysayers, the Lord saw fit for Obama to be the next President of the United States and let everything align in his favor. North Carolina's electoral wasn't even called and Obama still had over 270 needed electorates. Just think if those knuckleheads would have voted...it wouldn't have been too close to call. But it didn't matter. Even the broken down ballot machines didn't twist this result. And there was no need for a recount.

Simply put, it will change the course of our country forever.

I must admit I was not an Obama supporter initially. I was definitely a Hillary fan because she actually spelled out what she was going to do. She had a plan. Not just a reiteration of the problem. Maybe that was Hillary's downfall...she had too much planned and people didn't care about the details. I am a details type of person...so I was sold on her initiatives. But after she lost and McCain chose Palin...I had to sit back and take a look at this situation. Like I said, I followed my heart. I would have loved for Palin to be more polished -- share any one of my views on any subject--but she didn't so I had to move on to someone who did see my vision for a better country. And by golly America you did what many thought was the unthinkable. Congratulations.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Full Circle

Today is election day. If you remember way back in September when I started blogging, my mom and I had this big blow-up about my stance on gay marriage. Mainly because I don't see anything wrong with 2 consenting adults declaring their love for one another and making it official in the eyes of God, friends, family, and anyone else who wants to put there nose in the relationship.

Her argument for voting Republican was that this was an ablahblahblah.

Well election day is here.

I received countless mailers and phone calls begging for my vote. Every television station featured countless attack ads for various candidates. The ladies from The View got on my damn nerves. And now its over. None of the stuff even effected my vote.

In the end, I voted the way my heart led me to vote.

After today, people will go back to bashing celebrities, celebutantes, and pop stars alike. And life will get back to normal. Or will it?

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Parents Just Don't Understand

One of my favorite authors, Kyra Davis, wrote a blog recently that struck me so hard==right in the gut. Read this excerpt:

"The biggest surprise for most parents is that their kid isn’t who they expected him to be....The only problem is that perspective parents don’t know who that other human being is yet... But when our kid engages in behavior we believe is unseemly it’s a whole ‘nother ballgame. Yes, it’s still their life but we gave them that life. (I laughed out loud here...can't you here your mom saying that) It’s inevitable that they’ll inherit some of our physical features but we also want to make sure they inherent our values and priorities."

This was written about her relationship with her child and centered mostly around her love for Halloween and his apparent apathy (right word?). But what she says is true in so many instances. I applaud her for being able to articulate what I have felt for so long in a way that I could not ignore. Parents have certain expectations sometimes before the kids are even born and they do not know how to let their child be an individual, with likes and dislikes all their own.

Art and Love

So I have fallen in love with my craft. I did not think I was an artist at first. Each clutch is individual in nature. I look at the materials; they tell me what they want to look like and how they want to be used. I am working from a place of love for what I do. I wake up in the morning, perform the incidental routine of waking up, and begin sewing. Here are a few of the early clutches.



This is a detailed look of the jewels on one of the clutches. I like how they take the clutches to a fancier and more elegant place.

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This is one of the purses that I made. It was not mine initially. But my partner decided she wanted to make coin purses. So I finished this one off.



I think these little coin purses are cute.



This is one of the purses that is for sale at Lights and Lathers. She sells handmade soaps, lotion, candles and more. She also has jewelry and now my clutches.

It feels good. I know I say this a lot, but when you have felt bad for so long, it is so important to acknowledge when you feel good. I hope you have a great day.

Church

It is totally inappropriate to snore in church. LOL. It is one thing to sleep but to snore is entirely inappropriate. LOL LOL.

Emotional Rollercoaster....

I tell you this past week has had its ups and downs and I am glad to be starting anew. I will not revisit that point so lets just move along. I have missed writing terribly. This week made me realize just how dependent I am on the internet. I would rather have the internet than cable.

I have made a lot of purses (20 total), shipped some off, taken more pictures, and even have some for sale in one of my favorite stores. The response to them have been amazing. I am so happy and so overjoyed. This journey is so different then the one I envisioned as a little girl, but I am still enjoying the ride.

I voted too! So glad that pressure is off. If you didn't participate in early voting, please vote this Tuesday.