What about your friends?

Friend:  "a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations."

I decided, long ago, that I only need friends who are supportive; not ones who subtly judge me or put me down when they can.  I don't have time to deal with other people's issues if I am not getting paid for it. I want to be a therapist but not during my free time.  I seek healthy friendships. I seek out relationships that are reciprocal. Part of that reciprocity includes treating me the way you want to be treated.

A friend of mine was having trouble securing a person to work at one of her events; I called on my friends who lived in the same area.  These friends include gay/straight/college friends/family/folk from around the way.
 

So when I received this message, I was a bit put off: 

The Process to Self-Acceptance

This post originally aired on June 8, 2010 on the original That Gay Girl Tamara blog. I think it is a cool way for you to understand just how I feel.  I have adopted a NO BS CLAUSE  for my life and that includes this blog.  That means, in no particular order, the following is not welcome or tolerated:  trolls. They are banned immediately.  Negative, attacking, critical behavior? Take that shit somewhere else.  Self loathing, self-hating people are not welcome here.  Why? Because I don't want to deal with that here. Simple enough. Don't like it? Kick Rocks xoxo - That Gay Girl Tamara 

______________________________________________________________________________

Over the past few weeks, I was on retreat.  In that time, I learned so much about myself.

I started a new project that would allow me to truly accept myself. Having been "out" for over 4 years, you would think I dealt with this already. But I hadn't. I realized that so often, we have "issues" with ourselves because someone told us it was a problem.  These people have power over us because we then allow their opinions to dictate our actions.

For instance, I had trouble maintaining this blog because I did not want to hurt any ones feelings and I wanted to maintain some sense of privacy.  I also knew my mom (who is running for political office) would eventually have to deal with this publicly. But then I realized that she knew I was a lesbian way before she made the final decision to run for office.  She didn't take my feelings into consideration or care that people may start to pry in my life to get "dirt" on her. Or maybe she didn't think it would be a problem. I just did not want her to have to deal with similar things that the Cheney's had to deal with because some people can be so cruel.  I don't know why how I live my life has any bearing on her. I mean, I have never been in trouble. I always did well in school (except for that one pre-calculus class) and before the age of 30-- I had bought my first home and secured a master's degree-- sounds pretty good to me.

The crazy thing is she will make a wonderful addition to the school board. Even if she is a Tea Party Republican...she's a great woman who will work hard and offer unique ideas to the school system. She tutors students -- and does listen to me when I tell her about the hardships that some teachers face.  She is a great advocate for low-income students and students with academic prowess (not that these two are mutually exclusive).

And then add to the pot of stew, my super religious family and the quandary of the issue unfolds.  My grandmother is a Sunday School Teacher, a member of the Missionary Society, and many other church groups. I didn't want the "church folk" to talk bad about her.  My uncle is a pastor and heads up a church.  I was active in the church as well. From participating in all activities of the youth department that included:  Girl Talk, Girl Scouts as an assistant leader, choir member, Sunday School participant,  to being a junior thespian, Vacation Bible School participant,and more- I did it all. There are many more pastors, deacons, deaconesses, etc. in my extended family and they all feel like they have a "duty" in making sure we live our life according to their version of the good book. I felt like everyone would be let down or that they had a vested stake in me; thus, there was a real fear about living my life as an out lesbian.

I am sure some of you have experienced this dynamic as well.

However, as I began to think back over my life, I realized that there was always something that "needed improvement." Someone always had something to say about my hair, size, clothes, physical features, where I lived, how long it took me to learn how to ride a bike, the friends I had (most were White),  the boys I talked to, my intelligence or the lack thereof (I was either too smart or not smart enough), my complexion, my finger nails-- yes my nails...or any number of things. I quickly realized I was never going to be "fully accepted" by "them".

There is always something that someone thinks I should be doing differently! And frankly-- these are not my issues. Have you ever heard the saying that whatever you don't like in someone else-- is actually what you don't like about yourself? I never had a problem with myself until someone felt the need to point out a problem. I actually like myself. So why in the hell should I let someone else's issues dictate my happiness?

Exactly.

Then, I decided...just for the heck of it to take stock of my life since coming out.  And to be honest, it has been true bliss in the circles I have run with.  Although there have been individual differences--for the most part, it has been cool.  I am not looked down upon for being a "gone big girl".  My clothes are not topics of discussion unless someone wants to know where I got them ... I have actually been welcomed with open arms: from guys and girls alike!  And in this knowledge I have finally learned that the only person whose acceptance matters is my own.

Renewed Purpose: That Gay Girl Tamara

When I started this blog, I was angry with people for not acknowledging my lesbian existence. The incident:  I was on the phone while the need to back Florida's Proposition 2 (marriage ammendment) during the 2008 election year was discussed-- because "lesbians are sick"  I lost it. I mean the infamous "coming out" arguments were never pretty...and yet people always seemed to forget that I am a lesbian

As a black lesbian who had lived with my girlfriend since 2001, it was mind boggling to say the least.  How could I get folk to listen to me?  The blog was sent to a few friends and it quickly got forwarded to others. It was inevitable that my childhood best friend would send it to her mom. I was shocked and relieved at the same time. I'm sure my mom has read it...as she got the link as well. But, as I progressed and I started baring my soul...I didn't really want her to read it anymore.
In discussions, I found that this--wanting people to not read the blog-- was a common phenomenon with some blog writers.  Throughout this blog, I have simply discussed the nature of myself and all of my inconsistencies. At the moment that the post is written, that is how I feel.  Sometimes, I see myself writing in circles--but it is a great way for me to get to the root of my feelings. When I read the previous posts, I am reminded of my purpose and the path from which I have sometimes strayed. I have no agenda except to be unapologetically and utterly me: a loving lesbian of color engaged to another wonderful lesbian of color and wanting to make the world a better place for all of us.

Happy Memorial Day

Today is my granny's birthday. Lucky her-- she get's two holidays in one. This day is also significant because my grandfather was a veteran. He passed away in July of 2004 from complications that he received in the Korean War. I know...he was old. But it was a long hard life. Yesterday would have been his 80th (??? I'm not really sure about this) birthday. As I think about my grandparents and all that they endured, I would like to offer a sincere "thank you" to all of the service women and men who put their lives on the line for our country and it's continued safety. Almost every male in my family has served in the armed forces. This day is truly heartwrenching when I think about all of the people who have lost their lives in battle...from complications...or still living with fresh knowledge (and some not so good) of the wars or places they were deployed. I pray for a flourishing of peace on Earth.

Loving Love

I love love.  I like reading about people in love. I like seeing couples show their love for one another. It's a beautiful feeling and vision. Delicate, tender- yet intense.  Real love. Like Mary J. Blige circa 1992 love.  Walks in the park. No power tripping. Just love.  Unremarkable becomes spectacular. The mundane elicits tears of joy. No control. Just love. Love.

If you haven't heard by now...

that I am engaged to Ladybug Smile...you are definitely under a rock. And if you don't know that we were featured in the Say I Do! Expo newsletter, then I really don't know where you have been. You should be following me on Twitter.

Where have I been?

Writing.
Writing some more.
And writing even more.
Traveling
Planning
Writing
and that's about it...not much really.

I have been inspired so I have to do what I have to do to get out of the "daytime job grind".
Tami and Tanesha are such an inspiration. Not only does the Say I Do! LGBT Wedding Expo have a great lineup of vendors and sponsors, but now it is an official event of DC PRIDE!!!!! I have no reservations about driving the six hours to attend the event. I am so elated it is ridiculous.  The fact that this was just conceived and executed and it has become so much more just makes me swoon with the notice that I can do it too.

I can plan something with no expectations and it can exceed my wildest dreams. Now I have to get back to writing....

Too funny.

Me: Girl why did your big sister just slice her thumb open while washing dishes. All I heard was her yelling "I'm bleeding. I'm bleeding!" I grabbed a maxi pad and ran down the hallway, wrapped it around her thumb then played doctor and patched her back together.  and they talking about me now cuz i grabbed the pad. i'm like shoot... it worked!
Lil Sister: LMAO!!! Did it stop the bleeding...if so then they should b quiet.
Me:  yeah it did. LOL. First aid 101 put pressure on the wound. although not sterile...still clean
Lil Sister: As long as that did the job.  Wait? So u ran pass tissue and grabbed a pad lol!?!
Me:  LMAO actually I didn't. I cleaned out my purse last night and it was a pad sitting in my "to put away" pile. LOL.
Lil Sister:  okay...i guess its okay then.

Relentless Wonder

I have a lot of daddy issues. I didn't know how much until I sat down the other night to write one thing and out came another. It's funny how I thought I had already dealt with this situation a looooonng time ago.   I mean I seriously do not know if this man is my father. And if he is- love is not the first emotion that comes to mind. I often think of my mother and how she must have felt-- making a baby with a man who could not deal. And I have watched enough paternity tests to know that even though we look alike, he could still hear a resounding "you are not the father."

In middle school, I met my "sister". She is supposedly 5 or 6 years older than me. She was nice and we looked alike- well that's what others said. We hung out a lot and then her mom moved her to Virginia Beach. I missed her for awhile. Having a big sister was so much fun. We find each other and then lose contact. My aunt who passed away was the one who was always in the know.

These relationships were in my past and I need to find a way to put it behind me. In the grand scheme of things, it doesn't really matter. My past is not my future - nor my present. The traditional sense of obligation has long been gone. So, why do I care?

Gardening

I really like vegetables. I am talking about brussel sprouts (sp?), greens, cabbage, green beans, cauliflower, broccoli, zucchini, almost anything that is cooked properly. So lately, I have been contemplating starting a community garden.  I guess I should contemplate a backyard garden first. I have never grown anything of stubstance. Even my science fair projects (tomatoes) died- year after year. But I am trying to eat healthier and I don't want to pay a ridiculous amount of money on things I have the capability of growing myself.

Random Thoughts

• I'm feeling good. I realized that I have been holding back a lot! I dont think I was ready to deal with the emotions that have been inside. Alas, it is time to express them.
• I don't have the energy, concentration, or wherewithall to blog on just tamara, writing journal, and tggt every day. Copying and posting just irritates me. Seriously. Then I can't remember the tags I used for each post. Uggh! LOL. I'll get more organized.
• I'm a lot more spiritual now.
• I haven't been to church in ages, but every little step I take is divinely done so.
• I meditate on a weekly basis. Will eventually get to a daily basis.
• 2010 Agenda = Trusting that I am on the right path!
• I have started volunteering more. It's actually fun. I have met some cool people who give me great ideas. One lady told me about Holiday Tours and how reasonable the trips are. Another lady told me about ballroom dancing. I think I am going to try to get into that this summer.
• Traveling is on the agenda for the next 6 months. Charleston, Myrtle Beach, Washington DC (2x's), Carolina Beach/Wilmington, and somewhere oversees-- hopefully France!
• I submitted my passport application and my picture was cute! Should have that back in about a month or so. Woot woot!
• I'm engaged! On the grind to get into that perfect wedding dress. 3 lbs a week is doable. I just gotta get my walk on and drinking that H2O!
• Heading over to DC for Pink Dot Concepts Say I Do Wedding Expo... You're coming right? June 6, 2010 is right around the corner!

More to come about some other revelations I have had throughout the weekend. Sleeping did me a whole lotta good!

Reconnecting

Last year, I decided to not call people who didn't call me. This was mainly because I felt like I was bothering people when I contacted them.  Can anyone relate to this? Read about it here...  After re-reading that post, I realized I didn't go indepth about how I felt that some people in my life were simply using me. But, I am sure you are smart enough to get the picture. I would just call to talk or see how someone was doing and they would act like I was committing a sin for speaking their name. So I stopped. 

I ended the reaching out to people because I didn't really think they cared one way or the other.  In that previous post/comments, I recognized that each friend has their purpose/time frame to be in my life.  I have a friend who is solely for traveling, another who I can go to hangout with, another who is good for Barnes & Noble trips, etc... Everyone is not in my life for the same thing.

But there is another group of people that I have neglected.  Other people I just lost touch with...I liked them still the same, they moved to other cities,states,etc and phone numbers got changed, emails were exchanged a few times, but that was about it. I really miss some of those people.  Facebook has done a great job of reconnecting me with the people who I genuinely like, do not get on my nerves, have a lot in common with, and are no longer in the same city/region in which I live. Some I understand are still not supposed to be in my life, while others I can't wait to meet up with again.

Thank God for technology.

Relationships

I was talking with my girlfriend and a few other friends, and we have drawn some conclusions about relationships:

1) After an argument, it is good to reflect and go inside one's self to figure out the underlying issue.

                The results: becoming a better person and having a better relationship.

2) Communication is key to any good relationship.  It is not just hearing but actually listening-deciphering-and creating dialogue; getting right down to the core/meat of the situation.

                 The results: becoming a better person and having a better relationship.

3) All relationships have at least 1 big test.  And you have to be your best self in order to pass it.

                The results: the end or an improved relationship.

Congratulations D.C.

I am totally geaked about DC allowing marriage for two consenting adults regardless of sex. That is progress. All the metro area people now have the burden of paying that $45 dollar filing fee and tying the knot. Congratulations. Here are some great pictures!

In wedding preparations I found a great website:  so you're enGAYged

There is an Etsy shop that makes custome cake toppers: The Enchanted Cupboard

All you need to know about DC Marriages is here.

Passport Day

Aquarius Soul and I are in synch with getting passports. I feel like it is just meant to happen right now. I set up an appointment a few weeks ago for the 31st of March. Then I found out today that the prices could be going up in the not so distant future. There is a passport day on March 27th where you can go and submit the application without an appointment. This is the best time to go. I am telling you, if you think that in the next ten years you may want to travel abroad...just do it. It would really suck if you won tickets or some lady wanted to sweep you off your feet and jetset across the world...and you couldn't go. That would really suck.

Enjoy Life

I haven't gone into talking about myself much lately because there isn't much to say. 30 was a year of discovery and boy have I learned a lot. But there was just stuff I learned...nothing needing analysis or critique. That leads me to my mom...our relationship is so much better now. Today she is flying back home from a Republican Women's Conference and she sent me a text from the airport. Near the end of the conversation I told her to have fun and you know...those types of pleasentries. She was like I am on my way home. I said I know...you can have fun and enjoy the moment anywhere. Then she called me deep. I could imagine her face and expression as she is sitting at the airport ...tired... after a long week of hobnobbing and schmoozing and I am telling her to have MORE fun. I cracked up laughing. I remembered something I was told -- Enjoy the moment.

Sometimes we get so caught up on completing a task...we forget to enjoy the task.
If you like sewing, take pleasure in threading that needle-- it is the start of a new project-- a new beginning.
If you like writing, don't get caught up in the completion of the story...enjoy the writing. Enjoy the creative process. Enjoy Life! God put us here to get as much pleasure as possible! How good can you stand it?

A Creative Woman

I totally forgot about March being Women's History Month. Needless to say, I didn't post anything for Black History Month either.  But like most people, I can not fathom only discussing these phenomenal people only 1 month out of the year. So I have decided to dub Tuesday, Creative Woman Day! I will highlight a creative woman every week! Only positive people with creative spirits can grace my site.  This week is Darnita L. Howard. That's a picture of me- not her- wearing one of her creations. It is from her Cotton Smoothie t-shirt line. It is soooo comfortable.

This is not all my fellow Dream's Fulfilled member has to offer.  Visit her shop or her art site to see more clothes, artwork, and greeting cards!

Ain't it pretty?

This was the cake at one of my friends wedding last year. It was absolutely scrumptious!Sweet Potato Cake. Who would've thought? At least now there are more options to the traditional wedding cake topper. Check out this one from Jamie Lynn!

Jamie Lynn Wedding Ty Wilson Figurines, African American, Bride

Cupcakes...The New Wedding Cake

The love of my life is fascinated with cupcakes. She loves them. I love cookies- well anything sweet really. For our wedding, we are considering having a cake and/or cupcakes.



There is a lot to consider: flavors of the cake, fillings, icing/fondant, decorations, etc. Then we have to consider the tastes of our guests- but more importantly our tastes. (LOL) When looking at pictures online, they all just look so good. Plus, we will probably have a destination wedding so then there are the logistics of choosing a bakery. This will be really fun.

Our Valentine's Day

First, we went to the movies. We saw Valentine's Day. We really enjoyed it! I mean really. I liked that the story line had twists and turns that I couldn't figure out. Some were a little predictable-- like the cheating bastard--but there's always one. It's also a gay friendly movie, so I encourage everyone to go see it. Then, we went out to eat.

Where: Emerywood Cafe

What we ate!
Appetizers

Duck Confit Spring Rolls; Served with a duck sweet and sour sauce.

Entrees
Bacon-Wrapped Scallops served over goat cheese and sun-dried tomato risotto, spaghetti zucchini and squash, with Béarnaise sauce.

Crab and Tarragon-Stuffed Red Snapper, served with roasted Yukon potatoes, sauteed tri-color carrots and Hollandaise sauce.

Dessert
Chocolate Mousse with whipped cream and slivered almonds

Chocolate bread pudding

After dinner, we went to Barnes & Noble. It's one of our favorite hangout spots. I had such a great time that I went to sleep around midnight. That's early for me. I hope you had a wonderful day as well. ~Ciao!

The Spirit World

I have had many enchanting experiences lately. Do you believe in angels? Have you ever felt like something or someone has your back in the spirit world? I would really like to hear some of your experiences.

I have read a few books in the last month that really made me believe in a higher power:

Ask Your Guides by Sonia Choquette
Diary of a Psychic by Sonia Choquette
Life Among the Dead by Lisa Williams
Do Dead People Watch You Shower by Concetta Bertoldi

and then this book about angels and ascended masters by Doreen Virtue. This one was a little different, but interesting to say the least.

I started reading just because I felt drawn to the books. I felt like I was being pulled to them. And once I picked them up, I couldn't put them down.

The consensus of the first 4 books is that there is a "spirit world" or "other side". When we cross over, we get a "review of our life". This sounds familiar, right? We are met by ancestors, spirits from past lives, angels, God, and spirit masters or teachers.

The other thing that caught my attention in the books is that it talked about how there is a such thing as reincarnation, Jesus does exist, and God is Love. There aren't bodies in the traditional sense but "light". And that we are surrounded by the light which is love. Does this make sense? What do you think?

I could jive with this information because it lends credence to my idea that we are all put here to find out if we can get along. Like- with all of our differences, do we have the capacity to show each other our true essence- which is love. I think that's God's test and unfortunately == we have room for improvement. That's just one lesson I entertained. If I think of more, I will share.