My Life Updated

So we finally celebrated that 10 year anniversary (11/18). It was funny because, during the same time period our sewer system had a blockage. That was sooooo gross. But at least this time, we could afford to get it fixed without begging people for money. It feels so good to be financially independent again. Times are good!

For the anniversary, we didn't do much special...accept spend some quality time with one another. On Thursday (the day after) we went to the theater to see Seussical.
I can't say that I was into it at all. It was quite busy and boring. Horton Hears A Who is more likeable. I think if I hadn't seen the movie, I may have liked the play a little more.

I am also actively writing my first piece of fiction. I don't remember the last time I wrote fiction. Let's just say, it has been a very long time; probably 13 years. But this novel is at the focal point of my life. It is something that I have to do. I completed my overall story outline, my chapter outline, and now I am working on my scenes. I want it to be a page-turner.

We have a writing circle that we attend 2x's a month. It is always relevant and keeps my creative juices flowing. I enjoy those evenings so much. We usually meet at someone's house or a coffee shop. Maybe I will suggest Barnes and Noble for next time. They have more seating room.

I spend a lot of time at the library now. I have read so many books. But I have also put down a lot of books. If I can't get into it...I don't even waste my time anymore. If I read the end, and it is juicy-- then I will turn back and read from where I left off. I especially do this if I can't find the climax point in the story. That's really good-- a book shouldn't be that predictable. So yea, a lot of reading in my schedule.

What else?

Well, my family and friends are fine. Oh, we are planning to get married in 2011. If the US doesn't have federal marriage rights available to us, we are going to Canada. I don't want to get married in some place that picks and chooses if I am equal depending on the day. Well, really, we chose Canada already--but I suspect, if the US gets its act together, we would stay here and get married. IDK. Only time will tell.

While I was in Florida, I did get to connect with some old friends. It was fun. But I don't want to be in the sunshine state for that long. Honestly, I don't need month long vacations. A couple of days are all I need: travel on Thursday, relax on Friday and Saturday, and come back on Sunday.I am good too go.

Well that's all for now. If I think of something else...I will let you know.

Loved It

The AMA's made me a fan of Lady GaGa (is that how you spell it?) and Adam Lambert. These two cd's will be bought on black friday.
So proud that he came out and gave an authentic performance. Loved it.
And LG-- never been into (MTV VMA's didn't turn me on either), but performance was intense--loved it.
Shakira also sparked my interest. The whole stepping and all the sisters represented in that performance- Lovely. going to be doing that pelvic thrust as part of my workout.
Mary J. Blige never disappoints.
Will be buying Janet's #1's cd. That woman has some hits.
Sad that J.Lo fell-- but still enjoyed the song. Thought it was cute how she changed the shoes at the end.

More into fashion these days-- totally unexpected outfits.
Rihanna- not what I would have chosen, if I were her stylist; but it was cute in its own way.

P.S. too sleepy for any other adjective...so love has to do. Ciao!

Boomerang

The more I try to focus on other aspects of my personality in friendly relationships, the more my sexuality rears its head.

I met some new people at an artists meeting and I didn't disclose my "status". I know it sounds like a disease, but I just don't think it is anyone's business. If you tell someone you are gay, most of the time they don't think about relationship they think about sex...And I don't want people thinking about what I do in the bedroom with my girlfriend...You know this already---so just humor me for a minute.

We got invited to go to church and I accepted the invitation because it was "Family & Friends Day". That means there was special seating and food after the service. As a member of the "Gone Big Girls" Society since college and being cheap...I have never passed up the opportunity for anything free...food, or otherwise. Plus, I hadn't been able to go to the church, in which I am a member, for some time now--a little worship was needed.

Upon walking in the service and seeing the message of the day, something like: Marriage: Whatever happened to God's original plan, I got that "Oh no" feeling. Then I opened the program and the "Responsive Reading" was a poem. The line "Homosexuality is still a sin" immediately caught my eye. I tried to get my girlfriends attention. She sat one row in front of me. We eventually looked and gave each other "that look".

Evenstill, I was curious about this experience...as I have never been in that sermon where homosexuality is so vehemently despised. It was sad to say the least. It made me even more grateful for my relationship with such a loving God. One who isn't so vengent and allows me to make my own decisions and gives me the wisdom to make choices about love not ruled by fear.

I decided then that "free" would not be a good enough reason to do anything anymore. That delicious plate of food cost me something that no one should ever have to pay. If I hadn't worked on my relationship with God long ago, I could only imagine how the day would have turned out. On the contrary, I didn't feel bad for not saying the responsive reading or yelling "amen" or "thank you Jesus" every five minutes. I simply observed these people who all claimed to be loving Christians talk so ugly about people. Even the songs were depressing: "The rapture is coming very soon..."

The biggest lesson I learned was that I joined the congregation I joined for a reason and I need to get my hindpots back over there. I miss the uplifting singing, moments of laughter (the pastor thinks he is a comedian), and all around joyous time I have praising and thanking God for all the many blessings bestowed upon me.

Upon returning home, all I could think was "WOW."

A Poem of Friendship by Nikki Giovanni excerpted from Love Poems

"A Poem of Friendship"


We are not lovers
because of the love
we make
but the love
we have


We are not friends
because of the laughs
we spend
but the tears
we save


I don't want to be near you
for the thoughts we share
but the words we never have
to speak


I will never miss you
because of what we do
but what we are
together

Weddings

I loved The Office last night. I don't keep up with characters names but it was the wedding episode. I loved it. It made me think about my own wedding and who would be invited. I already know my family is not on the list-except for my little cousin (he's 23, I know not so little). But the day should be special-- full of love and joy-- not stress. I have found myself contemplating whether or not I would tell my mom or leave it be. I think I am just going to do what makes me happy for a change and not deal with the control freaks by which I am surrounded. It's avoidance I know, but at this time in my life, I don't really care anymore. This is a recurring theme here-- doing stuff to make other people happy. Our wedding will not have that ring to it. The only person I care about being happy is the other bride and myself. Awww... I can't wait for the day.

Birthday Gifts

Yesterday was my mom's birthday. She had the nerve to call me the day before to remind me that it was her birthday-- as if I would forget. I had no idea what to give her. When I was at home, I tried to get her to do a gift personality quiz over at Gifts.com. That was the most trying experience. I know she was trying to be modest and grateful but when you have either/or questions, you don't expect "I don't know. Whatever you get me will be fine," as an answer.

See, I know that "anything" will not do. I have bought her perfume-- "Do you think I stink?" My uncle bought her a sandwich maker-- " You know I don't dammit cook." LOL -- I think that was the funniest. I bought her clothes-- " I don't like that! That is not my style." My granny bought her a sweater one year-- "Thank you. It looks comfortable and nice enough for an old person." Yes! My mother is that hard to shop for.

My girlfriend suggested that I complete the quiz for her. I did and I came up with the perfect gift. I got her a business card holder from Things Remembered and had it engraved with her name and birthday. It is a good gift for 3 reasons:

1. It has an American flag on the front. She is a Republican and very, very, very, very, very, patriotic. Everytime I turn around she is trying to put an American flag on something- book covers, brochures, fliers, etc.
2. She will take it out to show it off. Anytime my mothers name is on something (newspapers, programs, etc.), she will show it off.
3. It can't be returned. She won't want to waste money, so she will use it just the same. Plus she doesn't have one, but her business cards are always in her purse. This will be a nice elegant touch.

It still has to be shipped. But a lot of the online retailers now feature e-card gift announcements. I absolutely love it. I bought it but I don't have to fret about her thinking that I didn't get her something. It was a really cute card and the site allowed me to schedule it's delivery. She responded favorably to the e-card. I will let you know how she responds to the actual gift.

1 Year

I have been so busy that I didn't even realize that I had reached my one year blogging anniversary. I know. That is pretty sad. But I found myself in sort of a writer's slump/block/uncooperative mood.

Then this whole gay thing just kind of got to me. I am so tired of the name "That Gay Girl Tamara". My sexuality is only a little piece of me. I am not an angry, black, man-hating lesbian. I don't have issues with religion. I don't like judging folks because I then feel like a hypocrite. At the same time, I don't like other people judging folks so I in-turn judge them and I feel like a hypocrite. So I had to stop hanging around, talking to, emailing, reading the blogs of, being friends with those types of people.

I met some really cool people through blogging though (Alix, Tammy, Glennisha, Ladybug, Monie, Sarah, and many others.) These ladies helped me see things in different ways. I mean, I feel like I have really grown up over the last year. I turned 30. Wow. My mom and I have come full circle in our relationship. We don't necessarily see eye to eye; but who does? I can only focus on me and my happiness. So that's what I have started to do. The love of my life is still the love of my life. I think evenmoreso. She is truly ...I love her.

This will probably be my last post on this blog. It has been real. But I think this chapter of my life has closed. I will keep blogging though... at another space. Stay tuned for the new link. Love ya!

Hey!

So life...is wonderful!

I just haven't had the time or energy to blog. Work has been interesting. I will expound... but i have a lot of catching up to do on the writing front. So within the next 7 days I will update you with all the goings on in my life.

Ta ta!

I'm Home

July 3-July 28th. That's how long I was away from my baby! Out of control.

I learned that PARENTS usually make mountains out of ant hills so they never get to learn about the mountains. *** Marinate on that 4 a minute ***

Texting is not that bad. You get used to it; but I would much rather talk on the phone even if we are both just breathing. LMAO.

You have to believe that your life can be exactly what you want it to be.

My house is brick, wood, etc. But my heart is here; therefore it is home. So glad to be back.

Tell you more later.

I'm in Florida

Hey people! I am in the "rainy" Sunshine State. It has rained almost every day. I can't complain though...because when it was hot, it was BLAZING!!!!

I spent the 4th of July with my mom, aunt, and 3 cousins in Hollywood Beach, FL. It was so beautiful, relaxing, and fun. Ya'll should've seen me asleep on the beach. That little power nap did me some good until the people next to us started shooting fire crackers! Stupidos! Anywho...we didn't stay for the fireworks at the beach, but it seemed like every little neighborhood had their own display going on.

Since that weekend, I have been at my mom's house. And trying to relax...but you all who stay at home know how that can be. But it has been enlightening. I am more like my mother than I care to admit. It's sickening. Oh well... what can a girl do?

Processing

I'm only writing when I feel moved to write. I hope that you still come around and send me emails. It's just that I can get so wrapped up on-line, that I don't accomplish the things I need to throughout the day. Plus, I don't want to fill your minds with garbage. And that's what I would be doing if I wrote everyday just for the sake of writing. I won't do that. I won't be using this blog to bash the world. There is enough of that going on already. I want this to be a place where I can process- you can process- we can process and move into a great place in our lives. I want to sow good seeds.

If you haven't noticed, lately I have been really processing my life. Defining my hopes and dreams while searching my heart for answers has been refreshing. Every few months I find out something wonderful about myself. But this time, I think it goes even deeper than just my normal processing.

The silence has helped the internal critic understand actions and desires more clearly. I am getting back to my roots; not the superficial stuff that everyone else thinks they know, but my authentic self that I haven't shown to many people- maybe no one but God. It's a cleansing. Year 30 is the year I cleanse and snatch and live the life I have long desired.

I was telling a friend, I feel as though I have leaped to year 45 in wisdom because I just have no time for nonsense anymore. I think middle-aged women are fascinating, because that is when they decide to live their life. I want to live my life now. I don't want to get caught up on that monotonous train of duty and obligation and miss the train to relaxation, fun, peace and enjoyment.

Until next time, have fun! ~ Tam

Home Alone

My girlfriend and I don't spend that much time apart. I mean occassionally we'll be apart...but it is very rare. She's at her mom's house. I'm guessing she'll come home tomorrow, but I'm not really sure. Her little sister is graduating from middle school. Isn't that sweet? I don't know if I have ever stayed the night here by myself. Hmmm... I can't think of any time where I would have.

So on my agenda: finish up pr by tam newsletter template, laundry, dishes, cook dinner- (egg salad sandwiches! yummy), wash my hair-- so not in the mood but I have to cuz it's itching, sew some purses for charity sale, and I will probably do a little bit of overtime on the day job.

I also have to clean the kitchen floor. Does anyone have a good floor cleaner? I declare mops (w/pine sol or bleach type cleaner) and swiffer wet jet just push the dirt around. It urks me to no end. It seems like it is dirty as soon as it is clean. All remedies appreciated.

I will probably read a book too. I've read all of the ones I checked out from the library. Well except one by Rochelle Alers, she's one of my fave authors but I couldn't get into this one so I already checked it back in! Well I do have plenty to get accomplished! So I will write again later on.... TTFN.

Thinking, Thinking, Thinking

On several different occasions, I said to myself, "I am going to practice silence today." Only to wake up and immediately start talking. I mean goodness, who knew a person could talk so much. But I've been having really strange dreams this week so I really wanted to get inside my head and analyze.

I don't remember all of the one from last night, but one man in particular had a hit out on me. I don't know how much the people were getting paid, but they were very persistent. The wife of the person who paid for the hit let me know when and where the hit was taking place. So I was able to escape 2 or 3 times. This dream had my anxiety up a few notches. It wasn't as bad as some of the other dreams, but goodness who wants to be shot at with machine guns while trying to rest. The craziest thing about it was the wife made it seem like the man did this on a regular basis. LOL, that is funny to me now. She knew his exact M-O.

Today, I thought about being silent and went against it. Then I started to read another book and silence fell upon me. It is so peaceful. My stress levels have dropped a few meters. I can think clearly. Everything I have been trying to work out in my head just seems so easy.

Anne LeClaire, the author of the book, Listening Below the Noise, suggests making some of your daily chores into moments of silence. Take it as a time to reflect. I began to think about my Granny.

In particular, I thought about her sitting in the kitchen making potato salad.(I am craving hers right now!) Many people just cook and peel the potatoes, add the seasonings, and everything else. My granny's process is a little more methodical. It's a production- boil the potatoes; boil the eggs; peel the potatoes; peel the eggs; remove the yolk from the eggs; dice the potatoes, onions, celery and egg whites into small squares; add the relish,mustard, and secret ingredients. She would then taste it, correct the flavor, add mayo, and finish off the salad in a nice bowl with pretty garnish.

All the while she's silent. She rarely talked while cooking. She seems so focused and intent on the food. I never thought, until now, that she could have been doing some serious thinking, rationalizing, and meditating. She is always so calm, cool, and collected you wouldn't think she had a worry in the world.

With my anxiety level lower, I am a better girlfriend. I am a better friend. I am a better business partner. I am a better person- period. I thought this "silence" would be a one time or unscheduled thing. I am beginning to thing otherwise. I need to do this. I feel centered, focused, refreshed-- and it's only been a couple of hours.

Be Silent Be Still

So I tried not to talk yesterday- I was unsuccessful in my attempt. I know that it is something I will attempt again, and very soon. I think I was most unsuccessful because I did not disengage from the outside world. I hung out with my gf and cousin, watched tv, was on the net, answered email, etc. The act of not speaking did not adequately take me to a place of silence within. However, I did have some moments of clarity. Instead of thinking before I spoke...I got to think. I caught myself talking about people in my head. I now know that I can be very opinionated and I don't have to open my mouth to do it. I caught myself on numerous occassions talking "spit"...I am so glad I didn't say it out loud. I understand some of the things that irritate me and I understand some of the things I do that can irritate others. I also realized that a lot of talking is unnecessary-- simply done to hear my own voice. I'll try again-- This should be very interesting.

Silence

Today, I am observing a day of silence. I read a book by Anne Leclaire about meditation and silence this weekend. The only restriction for today is that I cannot speak. It was supposed to be 6 am to 6 am, but I forgot and asked my gf what time it was this morning. It's amazing how easy I forgot. I debated if I would continue and I decided to just roll with it. I changed the time to 10:30 am - 10:30 am. It's actually been pretty hard so far...I'll let you know how it goes.

Love,

Tamara

I hadn't blogged in 4ever

I almost forgot my login information. Well not really since it's my email login. But it feels like it has been ages. I love Spring and Summer. They are my favorite seasons. I get a little antsy and the exploration bug comes alive. I've pondered several questions over the past few weeks. Here are just a few:

Why do some straight people think there "marriages" are "better" or "different" from other relationships. I ran into an old co-worker and she said, "you're relationship is different from mine because I can't be around my husband that long. I need to get away from him sometimes." I took it as a compliment cuz I love being around my honey bear. Who needs to be in a relationship if you can't stand being around the other person? That's just ludicrous to me.

Why do parents think of their children always in age 5 mode? Some think that just because you are the child, you will always remain in "child mode". That's even more rediculous to me. I love that insurance commercial when the kids are asking for the keys to the car and curfew extension. Pops is looking at them in their pre-puberty state and they leave out of the house in teenage state. I love it.

I also thought about all of the times I lied to cover up my sexuality. It feels so good to be free and let that sin roll off my back.

And this isn't really a question, but more of a realization: We need more gay couples as friends. OMG! If I hear of another potluck, "game night" or "couples night" I might just scream. Especially since, I have no desire to hang out with a bunch of hetero couples. Not that there is anything wrong with them as individual couples, but get a bunch together and I just can't take it.

Ok! I think that is it for now. I hope you all have a wonderful evening!

Reflections

For the most part, I was spoiled rotten. I literally got almost everything I wanted growing up. They usually tried to show me affection with stuff they "bought" or "gave" me. Whenever I got in arguments with folk in my family, whatever was given to me was usually thrown in my face. "I bought you..." or "I made you..." Ugh.
Some stuff I didn't get because "we were fortunate". Other stuff I didn't get because it wasn't "proper". Other stuff, they just looked at me like "Whatever".

Like, I wanted this game - Trouble. When I went to the doctors office, I always played it. One Christmas, my uncle brought it home and had me wrap it up. I just knew it was for me. Christmas morning, I opened a pack of socks. Apparently, the Trouble game was for this girl at church who was "less fortunate" than we were. I didn't talk to her much after that-- I know. I said I was rotten. I couldn't have played it anyway- I am an only child.

Another time, I wanted a Chemistry set. Instead, I got a bicycle and typewriter. I was appreciative of both. I mean goodness, I can type my arse off and I love riding bikes. But I never got that Chemistry set-no matter how many times I circled it in the Big Wish Book. It wasn't a "girl" toy.

Once I got to high school, I wanted a car real bad. They just looked at me like - whatever girl. Since I rode the bus. I spent the better part of high school, figuring out ways to not ride the bus. LOL. From missing the bus in the morning, to participating in extracurricular activites after school...I tell you I probably rode the bus a full school year-in 4 years.

Now that I'm all grown up. Those same tricks of "buy me this to show me love" don't work. Now I need more than financial gain to feel appreciated, loved, and cared for. Oh, how I've grown up.

LGBT Friendly

I would like to encourage everyone to seek out those companies, states, and churches that are LGBT affirming and friendly. Stop throwing your money and energy to those who don't give a damn about us. Let's support all LGBT friendly businesses, artists, churches, people etc.

Can someone tell me:

What states can I get married in?
What are some more LGBT friendly/affirming churches? (Notice there are a few in the links to the left.)
Name some black people who have no problem with homosexuality.

Let us be renewed. Let the rainbow fly. Don't worry about those who have an issue with you...focus on those who don't.

Untitled

I used to always get irritated by my father's side of my family because they were never affectionate towards me. I never got a hug from anybody. I didn't even meet him until I was like 11 or 12. I tried hanging out with my sister a few times afterwards. That didn't work.

My family would make me call him if I needed something. That didn't feel good. Because I felt like they would think all I wanted was money. But I didn't even want that. It was something my momma couldn't give me - thus I needed it. She was to proud to ask for it - so I had too.

They never came to anything - performances, graduations, birthdays'etc. And they were always invited.I actually despised my father for a long time because I never felt like he loved me. I was actually surprised a few weeks ago when I went to the Social Security office and his name was on my form. Hell, he didn't even sign my birth certificate.

On my momma's side, I couldn't get through the door without being hugged, pinched, or bitten on my fat cheeks. I had been socialized in this manner from birth. My Granny, has this talent of giving me what I want financially, but what I need emotionally. She knows when to give me a hug and when I need a dollar. She is balanced. She NEVER missed anything that I deemed important. She would take off work to come to chorus performances, awards day ceremonies, even band performances in high school. Maybe she is special- she had 6 kids, so she probably knows a thing or two. My girlfriend is a lot like her. They like some of the same things. It's kinda freaky. LOL.

But, I have always wanted to be just like her. Thus, I try to mirror some of her positive behaviors in my relationships: Encouragment, emotional support, financial support if possible. In college, my gf sang with the college choir. Although, I wasn't really into all of the music (a lot of it was foreign) I went to every on-campus performance. Off-campus performances were another story because they were all over. I didn't have a car and I couldn't just ride with them. But if they were on campus or a nearby church, I was there. I sat there, sometimes by myself, to show my support. Eventually, most of the music grew on me.

This is a problem -not in my relationship but with everyone else- because I always give.

If I see an opening, I try to fill it. Need a place to stay? We have an extra room. Hungry? Let me take you out to eat. Need money? How much, for what, and do you plan on paying it back? Notice it doesn't say, "When are you paying it back?" Stranded in another state? What's the address?

Do you see why this is such a problem?

I want to give, but I don't want to feel like I'm being taken advantage of. I don't want people around me who are only my friend because they know I will do anything for them. I want to be friends with people who have common interests, enjoy the company, great discussions and can have a good time. I want people around me who will support me in my endeavors and I in theres. My granny makes me feel good. My girlfriend makes me feel good. We have a 2 way street relationship. I am no longer in the cul-de-sac riding around the little circle. It's been fun...but I am a little bit to old for all of that.

********************
Yesterday, I awoke to Joyce Meyer saying, "Stop beating a dead horse. God showed you this a long time ago. It's time for you to move on." I was like -- WOOOOW! Joyce. Wow! Indeed he did.

Friends

Friends don't make lame excuses on why they can't show up at your event. Especially when said event has been planned for a month. Friends do the other thing that has "come up" earlier in the day or at the very least - don't avoid your phone calls. Sometimes, friends show up anyway - even if it means they are going to be late.

There's (Always) A Meeting in my Bedroom

So I settled on Silk. Although the post title was in the 200's, Freak Me Baby set it off. I was actually in 8th grade singing this song. So sad--my momma used to pop me in the mouth. LOL.

After I wrote the other post about LBD, I began to wonder what do you need in order to make a relationship really work? I by no means am an expert on relationships. Yes I've been in this thang for a long time, but for a few years it was shear will. We were together because we wanted to be together-not because everything was great. We were distant-not communicating as we normally did - we almost broke up. ALMOST. I mean I didn't think a relationship could withstand such turmoil. But then we had to think about it. Could we live without one another? I will admit, the betrayed Taurus in me thought to myself--yes. But after careful consideration, the answer was undoubtedly a, "Hell No!"

I remember being in arguments and having good make-up sex...but was the problem really fixed? Some say, sex can only fix some of the stuff - the emotions that make us "feel good". It kicks off those neurons and endorphins and we are "happy" once again. So is the problem still there? Can sex keep a relationship together if you have it often enough? Should we be having more meetings in the bedroom and less in the boardroom?

If the sex is missing, does it mean that something else is missing? And if something is missing -- what the hell is it? I mean we probably have heard the same answers over and over again: communication, love, self esteem, support, etc. etc. But are those just exscuses? There is a saying that goes: When a relationship is good sex is only 10% of the equation. When the relationship is bad, sex is 90% of the equation.

Do we(lesbians) use sex as a form of communication? If so, what are we saying?

When We Make Love

"One other requirement is that she must want to do "it" to 90's r&b. If Ginuwine's "So Anxious" doesn't get your panties wet, I don't know what's wrong with you." Raych

Was feeling Raych on this post and especially on her statement above. Perfect timing too as posts this week are inspired by 90's R&B Chart toppers.

I saw Ginuwine in concert in college. I wasn't head over heels screaming like the other girls. One of the clues that I wasn't straight--but his music--in the right moment... as Raych suggested should arouse you right?

In my mind it's 1/4 physical, 1/4 mental, 1/4 mood, and 1/4 opportunity--Ginuwine's "So Anxious" (and many more songs), bring the mental and mood into cooperation.

That got me to thinking about Lesbian Bed Death.

It is alleged that when lesbians get into relationships that their sex drive decreases. I can't imagine the desire for sex leaving me. There were times when I was too tired...too stressed...too anything, but the desire was still there...

Does this phenomenon really exist? Are their times when you are in a relationship when sex is not a priority? Do you ever feel like sex is a chore? It is times like these when I am made to feel like a horny toad...

Tevin...I Love You

Tevin...Oh how I loved him. Just thinking about Round and Round, Can We Talk, Break it Down, I'm Ready, Always in My Heart, Brown Eyed Girl, and all of the other wonderful smooth R&B that came from him...makes me want to .... I don't know...melt? scream? blush? Can't come up with the right word. But I do miss him on the scene. And if you don't know who I am talking about...I have to call you lame- Tevin Campbell. From 6th grade on ... I was obsessed with all things Tevin. I had pictures of him on my wall. Any performance that was televised... I saw it.

When Boyz in the Hood came out, I used to rewind the part where "Just ask me to" played...just so I could hear the song. I remember when I first say his videos on VHI Soul. It used to irritate the hell out of me that after being on the countdown for weeks...they would only play a snippet of the video. We didn't have BET. We could only get it on Saturday and Sunday mornings from like 8am - noon and then 12 am - 1:00 am for Midnight Love. Yeah, our cable company was whack. They claimed there was not enough of a audience to support BET all day. I bet they have changed their tune now.

One time, I sent this guy a letter full of sexy lyrics from his songs. LOL. Of course, he expected me to give it up. I wouldn't so he called me a tease. I just thought I was writing a sexy letter. LOL. I was 15. I didn't really expect him to want something from me. LOL. How naive. I couldn't find a video of SHH. Break It down...which is still even to this day..my favorite Tevin song. Whew.

Twitter

Let me tell you, when I logged in to my email and saw my momma following me on twitter, I was shocked as hell.

Alix got a good laugh as I freaked out and shut down my blog, protected my updates, and removed her from my followers. I tell you, it wasn't like I have said anything on here that I haven't said to her...but just the knowledge of her being able to know every thought or mood I am in is unnerving.

Now all of you can just fine...you don't have my phone number to call me...oh wait..you do or can at least get it easily. Hmmm So why was I so freaked out? It was just weird. Totally unexpected.

I guess it all boils down to me not telling her as much about myself as I do you all. That is so interesting.

I'm gonna be one less...

Have you heard that stupid commercial for Gardasil? I will go ahead and tell you that I hate it. I have a certain piece of disdain for this drug. Everything in my being says that it should be taken off the market. Ever since that first commercial 2years ago, I have been uneasy. I actually lost out on a job offer because I said I wouldn't advocate for the drug. The person I was interviewing with just happened to be the friend of the lead researcher. Go figure.

That notion that I'm gonna be one less if I just spend $100's of dollars and let you inject me with some experimental drug (I don't care that they claim to have tested it for 10-20 years)so I can be vaccinated from 3 or 4 strains of HPV that may or may not cause cervical cancer irritates the hell out of me.

The makers still expect you to go to a doctor to get checked for a disease that you supposedly got vaccinated for. Why? Because the vaccine doesn't really vaccinate you from the entire disease, just certain strains and nothing is 100% effective.

And finally, the biggest kicker is that cervical cancer is not the biggest cancer killer anymore. Why? Because women are going to get pap smears which finds the pre-cancerous cells early. This just doesn't make sense! This shot just seems like a waste of money? Furthermore, it's only recommended for 9-26 year olds. If 9 year olds aren't getting pap smears, why are they getting a vaccine?

Naw...I think I will be one less person participating in a class action law suit in 20 years. Can't you hear the commercial: Did you or any of your family members get vaccinated with Gardasil? Did you have x, y, and z complications? Call now-- you may be entitled to a portion of the settlement. Hurry, time is running out. 1-800- lawyers r us. There are already complaints and recommendations to pull this drug off the market.

I hope you all will be one less...and help your daughters...neices...cousins...and sisters be one less too.

New Beginning

I tried but did not make it to church this morning. Consequently, I was a good bedside Baptist. The message centered around the purpose of the death of Christ. This led me to draw a few conclusions and enter into dialogue with the other love of my life. Here are our findings: Christ died on the cross for all of our sins. (We all knew this.) Thus, we should not be burdened daily about sin and being a sinner. That's what his death was for. Remember, that the bible states that we are born into sin. So how can we keep saying this person or that group is full of sinners if we are all born as such? His death was to take away this label and for us to live a fulfilled life. Not a life of pain and suffering. Furthermore, happiness and the spreading of joy is our job. Are you spreading joy or misery and pain? Make the decision to spread joy, love, and peace. Also, stop allowing others to determine what your happiness is and what it looks like. We must look within ourselves for that determination.

Coming OUT is all the rage....

I had family visit last weekend. It was very eventful. From my uncle confronting me about my cousins sexuality to my aunt dropping it like it's still hot on the dance floor to something falling into my chimney---there was rarely a dull moment. I mean goodness gracious - why me?

What I found myself asking was, "Why do parents think it is some crime against them to keep our sexual experiences to ourself?" I know you don't have to come out...but at the same time you do. Why is it even up for discussion? Why does everything have to be changed? I am rambling--I know. Sorry.

Let me clear this up: When I was asked if my cousin was gay- I told them to ask him.
I was not going to be the one of putting his business out there and I didn't know if he wanted his parents to know.

Then his dad said, let me know--"Are they a couple?" He didn't want to be the only one in the dark. I said, I can't speak for him...but me and my significant other are a couple.

My significant other says, Auntie why are you doing this?-- Mind you she already knew. Her son talks to her all the time and she knew that he was gay, but refused to acknowledge it. She responds: "He doesn't tell me anything. He doesn't talk to me. Just like Tammy didn't talk to me."

I am like...."Whaaattt?!&?"

What was there to talk about? How should the conversation have gone? I just stopped hiding my relationship -- pretending like we are "just friends" in the last few years. I mean years 1 - 7 or even 8 were pretty much in the closet. Now google me: Tamara Boynton....I'm all gay all the time.

The stress of "hiding" relationships puts too much toll on the body. After they left, I thought that would be the end of it. Little did I know, that every day this week - sexuality would be the topic of discussion.

And who knows how much of my business is floating around Florida now! I am a very private person. Doesn't seem like it eh...with this blog? But a lot of my posts still maintain my privacy.

That's probably another reason I think I am having trouble coming up with blog posts. I like people reading, but everytime I get another email with people acknowledging that they read -- it's nerve wracking. And yes, it shakes my core just a little bit.

Uggh! I am a big bundle of confusion. I am totally open about who I am, my likes and dislikes. I can't even finish this post... I'll holla later...

People have an issue with homosexuality because...

So it isn't so much that they have an issue with homosexuality--they have an issue with sexuality in general. I realized that many folk feel guilty about sex. And maybe not even guilt, but definitely a sense of shame. I don't understand it frankly. Sex, rather good sex, is essential to living a happy and productive life.

Have you ever noticed how some people don't even think that sex is supposed to be pleasurable? I know some women who are just content in having sex. They don't know what an orgasm feels like or how to get comfortable with themselves. It does stem back to this idea that sex is bad, mostly taught by preachers who are getting it from every corner of the church.

What is so wrong with sex? Not just sex---what's wrong with getting pleasure from sex? I mean goodness gracious--if it ain't good, why have it?

Breastfeeding while Driving

I thought I heard something about a woman breastfeeding her baby while driving. Deborah @ Middle Girl confirmed it by sending me this article. And I thought sewing while driving was bad.

Take Care of YOU

I was talking to my girlfriend last night and we realized that we give away to much of ourselves. The good creative side is usually used to help other people. Now this is only a bad thing because we haven't taken the time to use it for ourselves and aren't replenishing the source as needed.

Let me break it down... I have a pattern of Working my arse off to help (fill in name) get(fill in project) done...

1. At any previous job...worked my arse off to make (fill in the blank) program successful...
2. Worked my arse off to help (fill in name) get graduate school applicaion complete...
3. Worked my arse off to get person profiled in major magazine...

I thought about adding names, but realized it isn't just one person. It isn't just a few people. It's a lot of people and it's time for me to start working my arse off for myself....

That's it for today...Gotta go work my arse off. I guess you could say I am in self-preservation mode.

I want what you have...

I've heard that statement to many times. And it is always in reference to a relationship. Yes, my relationship with my girlfriend is wonderful. Yes we will have a lot of years under our belt this year.

We've had some really fun and marvelous times...

...BUT...

...not without the work. It has not been a walk in the park. We worked our tails off to get to this point. Let's talk about us being friends for 2 years before we even got into a relationship. I don't talk about how our other friendships were tested as we tried to keep it in the closet. I don't talk about the crying, the pain, or the shame we experienced in the beginning. And I don't talk about the all-girls school heteronormative black experience.

It was a painful journey, but our love for each other buffered it along the way. We had to work on communication, getting used to each others habits, the normal likes and dislikes coupled with all the stuff lesbians have to deal with. So please, don't look at other people's relationships and say, "I want what you all have."
You only see what's on the surface.

Sex on the Brain Pt. 2

So I have really been busy this week. I mean, I wanted to post and read blogs, but I could only manage the reading part. Ya'll are some funny people. I must confess though, reading blogs isn't what is monopolizing my time.

SEX has me on the go.

I am not a nympho. But I finally decided to follow my heart and took a leap of faith to become the sex diva I always thought of myself as. Do you remember my big dream of becoming a lgbt-centered relationship therapist and maybe even getting into a syndicated program? (A lot of that was in the comments of the Sex on the Brain post.) Well my dream has been put into action and I am now a Pure Romance Consultant. Thanks Tammy!

So excited! Right now, I am still contemplating whether to go for the counseling degree. I mean they just really go hand in hand. But I don't know if I really need it. Plus I already have a health educator degree and that will already prove useful. As time progresses, I am sure that will be made clear. I just like school ya'll, so pay me no mind. I mean like I really really like going to class and having intellectual conversations. I digress.

I am heading to Florida in a couple of weeks to do 2 parties: one with my momma and the other with my aunt. I am a little nervous because it is my momma, but Hey...she's open minded when it comes to sex; just not sexual orientation. LOL. She's so funny.

Lessons Learned 2008-2009

Time is a great buffer. I have learned more lessons now than even the ones I thought I had learned at the beginning of the year. Here they are:

1. A dream won't come true if you don't a) really want it; b) believe it will come true; and c) put in the work to make it happen.

2. I write down my hopes, wishes, and desires. I took a look back over the last year and realized that it was a whole bunch of stuff that I thought I wanted that I could totally care less about.

For instance, I thought I wanted to keep my car for the rest of my life. It was going to be that junker that I drove anywhere I could. I put way too much money into trying to keep it running; all the while planning the next car I would buy. That was a contradiction. I should have let the car go a long time ago and bought the one I really wanted.

3. I also learned that it is totally okay to go against the norm. You would think I learned this lesson a long time ago but clearly I didn't. I spent a lot of time, money, and energy looking for a traditional job. And then God blesses me with a non-traditional job when that's what I wanted all along. LOL. So funny.

And finally I learned that God and the universe will provide all of my true wants, needs, and desires-the ones that I don't contradict myself on. And one that won't make much sense because there is so much that is behind it, but I don't have to control anything but my mind.

my girlfriend is gay

I didn't know it right away. We'd always been close. One day, she gave me this look. That's all it took. Then I considered myself a lesbian; others said I was bisexual. I remember that one night... I'm not supposed to share personal stuff about her on here, because who knows who reads this thing. I am allowed to say, "I love her so much!" LOL. Oh well, just know it involved me...trying to be coy. LOL. Just reminiscing.

God is Love and Love is for Everyone

I made a commitment to read more blogs this year. I have been disheartened by the number of people who are questioning their salvation. My granny told me something awhile ago that I hold dear to me and I will share with you.

My granddaddy used to run around with some of everybody. It is rumored that I have aunts and uncles 15 years younger than me. It is rumored that my grandfather was abusive mentally, verbally, and physically to my granny, aunts & uncles, and my mom. Now I never saw evidence of abuse; but adultery, yes. Papa was a rolling stone.

My granny had men always approaching her in the grocery store, at church, in the laundromat. I was like, "get it". People frequently asked my grandma why she stayed with him. She knew the answer without even skipping a beat, "Because I am not going to hell for anyone. I love God, so I will obey him."

That was one of the most profound things I have ever heard her say. She did not let other people tell her how to live her life or serve God. Regardless of her circumstances, she loved God, and never waivered in her faith.

I learned from my granny that all I have to do is follow my own path. My relationship with God is personal and can not be dictated by anyone else. I learned love, joy, happiness, and comfort. I even learned that God doesn't care who you sleep with.God only cares that you love him and you give all glory and honor to him. Through prayer, meditation and studying the bible, I have found true happiness. This happiness can not be taken away from me; and it can't be taken away from you!

Let's Get Real About Abuse!

With all of the media coverage (TMZ, Bloggers, Tom Joyner) on domestic violence; I am forced to comment on the Chris Brown and Rihanna situation. I am displeased with the discourse surrounding the incident for several reasons:

1. Domestic violence is not simply defined as "any time a man hits a woman". People are abused on a daily basis. I feel like this discussion is negating instead of bringing to light the circumstances surrounding their situations. Abuse occurs just because-without provocation. Some, just because they woke up that morning. Some abuse others for power, because they can mentally or physically dominate the other person. One could fix spaghetti for dinner and the abuser wanted pork chops; the next moment is filled with pain and anguish.

The mere physical confrontation between two individuals does not always equal abuse. It means that the anger has overrun the situation and they do not know how to verbally communicate further. Poor communication skills can cause people to say and do things that they will in turn regret. Individuals have to take responsibility for their actions and stop playing the role of the victim especially when they are not a victim.

2. Gender does not give you a free license to say and do whatever you want. Women can't just "say or do anything" especially in an argument and the expectation is that the other party will "do nothing" or "walk away". Why is society putting all of this pressure on men to always do the "right thing"? It is just ridiculous, unfair, and unrealistic.

If a woman decided that she just wants to pop her man upside the head because she felt like it and her man hits her, isn't it basic reflex that would make him hit her back? In this incident, the man would not view the person as a gender or opposite sex, but as an opponent. I doubt that there hasn't been that one incident where you got ticked off so much that anger ensued and logic went out the window. How could there possibly be any logic or sense involved when people are arguing?


3. Women abuse women; men abuse men; women abuse men, and men abuse women. The terms "violence against women" and "woman beater" are obsolete. Just because a man hits a woman does not make him an abuser. Just because a woman is hit by a man does not mean she is abused. Let's not forget about the people who do not fit society's mold of relationships. Also, there have been times when people look forward to having fights, women and men alike.

Overall, violence should not be a justified means for anything. We all need to keep our hands to ourselves. Strong communication skills are necessary for all relationships. Regardless whether someone is a celebrity or not, human instinct puts one into either a fight or flight mode. This situation just so happened to be a display of fight mode. This does not mean that Chris Brown is a bad person. Am I a bad person if I get in a fight with my cousin? No, it just means that the incident occurred and we probably have regrets.

We all need to have self-control over what we say, how we say it, what we do, and how we respond. Unlike cases of intimate relationship violence, in the case of Chris Brown and Rihanna, no one is a victim. Rihanna just had physical evidence from said conflict. But sometimes emotional and mental pain can run deeper than the appearance. And no one in the media seems to be discussing how both parties are feeling at this very moment or how their actions are inflicting deeper scars on these individuals and the nation as a whole.

Yay for Milk! It Does Everyone Good!

Congratulations to Dustin Lance Black for his win -Best Original Screenplay for "Milk." His passionate acceptance speech touched my heart and like him, I do hope for federal rights for the glbtq community.

Update: Sean did it! To Best Actor -Sean Penn for his wonderful role as Harvey Milk.

Even though I want to be...

I am so not inspired to do anything right now. I am not depressed; I just don't feel like being bothered with anyone or anything. I enjoy spending time with my boo and right now, I'm content with that.

Today was the first day I talked to my momma since like the beginning of the month. She didn't do anything mean or anything, I just haven't talked to many people. Before today, I hadn't talked to my aunt, granny, little cousins, or even some of my friends. Heck I still haven't talked to all of the aforementioned. Sometimes, I send a text or two, but that's about it.

Honestly, this seclusion has been wonderful. I did get caught up in the television though; but that quickly made me so tired of all the negativity in the world. All of the energy spent saying something negative can be better spent doing something positive. I will get my life going back into that direction.

I have spent my time working, sleeping, writing, planning my next moves, and enjoying the quality time with my love. Today was a pamper me session; pedicures, shampooing my hair, long hot shower,etc. It was a great day. My feet are so smooth. LOL. Maybe that is TMI...but anywho.

I did my sister-in-laws hair too. She liked it and I am so glad because she was cutting it in protest. Apparently someone at school told her her hair was ugly, her solution: cut it. I was like wow. But she's a sweety pie and it gave me a little joy playing in her hair. Tomorrow we are taking her out for a day of girly fun- amusement park and probably dinner. I am sure we will have a blast.

I am not my hair...

When I first started writing this blog, I always had a song in my head and it would usually dictate what I wrote about. So I thought I should get back into that mode because my writing is slacking. I love music and it always inspires me. Since my hair dictated my day, India Arie is on the brain.

This stuff on my head is the cause of much stress. At times, it will cooperate and I can do anything I want with it. Other times, it is just really brittle and dry--no matter what I do. I realized there was a key difference in my routine; the shampoo.

When it was first released, I became hooked on Pantene's Relaxed & Natural Shampoo/Conditioner. I mean I received free samples in the mail before I paid a dime for it. I was so pleased, I told everyone I could about it. It costs around 10 bucks for the pair. As my financial situation changed, I switched back to Suave. It was so not the right decision. I mean even the condition of my scalp changed.

Well that will be remedied real soon, as I have switched back to Pantene. Some people don't believe it works. I will vouch for this product if you have natural/non relaxed hair. It is a great moisturizer and strengthener. My hair was so silky this evening; I know I won't be switching back-so long as I can help it.

Hair Weave Saves Life!

Ya'll ain't gonna believe this! This young lady was shot at by her ex-boyfriend. The bullet was stopped by her hair weave. She said it felt hot when it hit her head. She said she spent so much money on her weave and here it has saved her life. She is truly blessed!

Lesbians & Media

I have been watching a lot of TV lately.I love Law & Order: Criminal Intent. I have noticed a few commonalities in the lesbians they portray; they are manipulative, certifiably insane, homicidal or all 3. It's weird. I hadn't really noticed it before.

Then today, I was listening to Judge Karen (I was supposed to be working). And these two gay guys were on there arguing about a computer. Apparently they were married/residents of Massachusetts so of course it was considered marital property. Apparently, they got married because one had a felony charge against him and the other would have testified against him if they had not gotten married.

To say the least, I was dissapointed in their behavior. So many people want to get married, and they simply can't. I guess that's how some single women feel about married women. When you want a relationship you say all of the things you wouldn't do, but when you get it, how do you behave? But that's another post for another day.

Then there is this perception that lesbians are easy, have no problem co-habitating, and don't mind wild sex orgies. And then on the other hand, lesbians are portrayed as so desperate to have a baby, that they will do anything to get pregnant. Lest I forget about this club girl complex--I'm a lesbian after a few drinks.

Where is the middle ground? I guess average is not exciting to mainstream media. That is so irritating. I am nothing like that, but in the media, the portrayal is so abhorrent. Is that even the right word? I don't know...but I'm done with this rant. What are you all watching on television that portrays all types of lesbians? At least a variety, besides The L Word? All suggestions welcome!

I'm a Valentine's Whore

I mean it is literally, one of my top 4 favorite holidays. Most people would say its because I am in a relationship. That's not necessarily true; our worst argument was on a Valentine's Day! That memory lingers.

But I love it because it represents one of the most precious emotions-love. You don't have to be romantically involved with someone to have a good valentines. My momma would send me a valentine box every year. It would have little knick knacks....cups, candy, bubble bath, stuffed animals, and usually a card.

As my girlfriend and I were reminiscing, we realized, we couldn't remember most of the evenings we celebrated. Usually we would just order in or my cousin would cook for us. We had actually gone out for v-day only 1 other time. We had a great time. Totally spontaneous.

We hung out with her mom for a couple of hours then we gathered our treats (wine and chocolate), looked for something to do, decided on a dinner destination and savored the ambiance. I really can rate this V-day as #1.

We asked a couple of friends to come with us, but they decided to do nothing. It always kills me how people complain about not getting invited anywhere, but when you invite them, they say no. Just doesn't make any sense to me. Valentine's Day is what you make it, PEOPLE! Seriously.

Anywho...I feel so blessed, because we had a car all weekend. Sometimes, I felt we were just riding around for the heck of it. Sure is nice to be grateful for the little things. LOL. Well I hope you had a wonderful weekend, a beautiful day, and showed your gratitude whenever possible!

Love ya!

Tamara

Happy Valentine's Day

I love you,
You love me,
We're as happy as can be
With a great big hug
and a kiss from me to you,
Won't you say you
LOVE me too!

Peace and Quiet

I have a pay as you go cell phone. I usually run out of minutes before the end of my month. This month I signed up for more minutes than usual. I tell you the phone only rings when I don't want it too. When I am just chillin and relaxin folk are blowing the phone up...and for what? NOTHING! LOL, people crack me up.

Luscious Lush

One year, we went to New York City to ring in the new year. It was then I was introduced to my favorite stores, Lush and Sephora.

I had a hideous allergic reaction to this balm that was used to twist my hair. I mean it looked like blisters instead of pimples going right across the apple of my cheeks. We went to Lush and they hooked me up. I mean within 2 days, the face was cleared up!

I used the Herbalism Cleanser:


and then the Mask of Magnaminty:



These products are all natural and worked wonders for my skin. I was thinking about buying some for my little cousin. She wants to be on ANTM, but she keeps getting this breakout right across her forehead. But you know teens; they can be so finicky. I would hate to spend all that money and then she not use it.

Photo Credits: Lush

Detox Day!

I woke up late this morning. My shift at work starts at 9:30am. I woke up at 9:37am. Grant it, all I have to do is roll out of bed and to the computer, but this was not how I wanted to start my day. Once at the computer, it literally took me almost 2 hours to get logged in and ready to work. Errors were popping up, the screen kept freezing, and the essays would not download. (I critique essays and research papers.)

Then I realized, I had not been "grateful" or "feeling good". I need to change the way I am thinking. Who cares if I was tired. I shouldn't have stayed up so late. I should have taken that ibuprofen earlier in the night. I should have...you get the picture. Ultimately, I probably just wanted an excuse to not go to work. How lame is that?

I got my tax refund already, so all of my money worries are gone! I should be GRATEFUL beyond measure. Even though I don't have a car anymore, I live in a centrally located neighborhood and have good friends who look out for us.

But I also realized I have been taking in a large amount of garbage--ie negative crap. I have been watching the depressing ass news everyday. Yeah that's over with. If I wanted to be depressed, I would just go back to looking for a 9 to 5 job. I have been watching those court tv shows and gossip shows like tmz. Yeah enough of that too. Plus there are probably some residual feelings of contempt for people I argued with last week. Gotta get that out of my head!

After I get off work today, I plan on going into detox mode. How? LAUGHING MY A** OFF! Anything on you tube that is funny, I'll be watching it. I am going to put in my favorite movies: Rat Race and Last Holiday. Then I will blast the good music for the rest of the evening; whilst I write, sing, and dance. Anything that makes me feel good, I will be DOING! ;-) I should probably add some peanut butter and chocolate somewhere in this evening.

My First Valentine

Roses are Red.
Violets are Blue.
If you won't be my Valentine,
I'll sue you.
_____________
I wrote this in first grade. If only love were that easy... :=)

Photo Credit: Stock.Xchng

The Valentine's Day for Less!

Dating on a Budget: Valentine's Day Edition I am sure you will be able to find something to do with your sweety from this list. Have a good night everybody.

Sex on the brain...

I have been thinking about sex non-stop lately. I used to want to be a sex therapist. I am fascinated by the Kinsey reports. I took as many classes about human sexuality as possible.

Currently I am researching graduate programs so that I can become a family therapist. After looking at Tammy's Pure Romance site, I am wondering why I even want a degree. I can just be a pure romance consultant. They have training and everything.

I know I want to go to grad school because I want to have the science to back it up. Plus, I also want to focus my practice on the lgbt community. Specifically couples counseling. With all of this gay marriage hoopla, the next thing we need to address is having healthy relationships and good communication.

We have a lot of issues that we never get to work through in heteronormative America. From relationships with parents to co-workers and every other Sue, Sam, and Jane who feels the need to judge- lgbt folk barely get any peace. Then add lesbian bed death and someone needs some therapy in and out of the bedroom.

Every Kiss Begins with Kay...

You know the saying. Because the jewelry is nice, cheap, and readily available throughout the country Kay Jewelers can boast that they are the #1 selling jewelers in the USA. But, there is a problem that every dame should know about. Just because a business is big and is #1 in sales doesn’t mean that they care about you as a customer.

I received a ring for Christmas 07. My sweetie bought the additional warranty and was told that if anything happened to it, I could take it back and get it fixed. The only thing I had to do was take it back every six months to be inspected and cleaned. Within the first week I was in the store because the stone had fallen out of the ring. They replaced it with no problem. I took it back at the six month mark and no problems. The 11th month rolled around and the stone came out again. This time I couldn’t find it. I took it back to the store but it was a not a pleasant experience. Because the associate did not put in the computer that I had brought the ring in at the 6 month mark, I would have to pay for the stone to be replaced. Rubbish! So now it’s my responsibility to make sure that the associate did their job? This is ridiculous.

I love the ring and appreciate my sweetie, and what it stands for. However, WE refuse to pay for a faulty stone to be replaced. If the stone had not come out the first week, then I would be more accepting of this situation. If I had not gone back at the 6 month mark, I would be more accepting of this situation. But it did and I did...so I am more than upset, but not quite furious!

It’s funny though. I still wear the ring even without the stone. It’s my silent protest against Kay Jewelers and showing my appreciation to the love of my life. I bought her ring from Kay and luckily we haven’t had any problems with it at all. I want the stone replaced but I don’t want to have to pay for it because for the price of the stone we could buy a whole new ring. I wish I could find the stone from this ring, but it could be literally anywhere.

Hi Friends!

So, for some reason, I have been having trouble commenting on my blog. :-( Boo.

But as far as the black bean burgers, THEY ARE DELICIOUS. All you do is take a can of black beans, rinse them and put half in a bowl. Add 3 tablespoons of mayo and chili powder. I like a lot of chili powder...like maybe 2 tablespoons, but you can do it to taste. And then add about a cup of bread crumbs. Mix together really good, mashing the beans as you go. Then add the remainder of black beans for texture. Fry them up and my goodness...you have a treat. It tastes really good with salsa and sour cream. A regular bun or toasted bread will suffice. And we don't have a Wegmans. We have Harris Teeter and I love it!

Also, I got my regular schedule for Smarthinking...YAHOO!! Surely makes up for me not being able to work at Mad Science. Plus I can substitute teach for other people to get more hours.

It's getting really cold here again, hopefully some snow. I hope you all have a really good week! TTYL.

Cooking up a storm...

I forgot to tell you all I have been on a cooking spree. Not ramen noodle cooking either. Like today, I made an italian pasta salad and added garlic bread. Yesterday I made black bean burgers. I know...it may not sound appealing, but it is delicious. I saw a recipe in Gourmet magazine and I tweaked it with the actual ingredients I had in the pantry.

I was telling my girlfriend it is because when I went home for Christmas, I didn't eat out fast food once. I ate home cooking everyday accept the one time my mom took me to a nice restaurant called Lily House. And it was basically home cooking too. But I appreciated that time with my family and the good delightful eats that I consumed.

Since being home, I have eaten out at some fast food joints, but not like I used to. I will forego a double cheeseburger for the grocery store. I now swing by the markets more frequently, look at recipes more often and actually taste my food. All I can say is my tummy has been screaming hmm hmm good an awful lot lately. Ciao.

That's Just Nasty!

Wearing the same pair of socks for a week straight! Gross.

Driving while...

On my way home yesterday, I was behind a stupid driver who was actually SEWING. Sewing. That's what I said. Need I say more?

Dating on a Budget Series

Valentine's Day is coming up really soon. I've been writing a dating on a budget series over at queercents. It runs every Monday afternoon. If you've missed the goods so far, be sure to catch up:

Dating on a Budget: The Rules

Dating on a Budget: Simple First Dates

Dating on a Budget: Hmm Hmm Good!

I got another job....

I interviewed for this job back in October. Tuesday I got a call to see if I was still interested. I told you all about it...I had to do a presentation and I did mine on napkin folding. I don't think I ever did put up those pictures. But here's another part-time job. Hey don't 2 part time jobs make a full time job? YAY! I start training today, so I will let you know how it goes.

Inauguration

I got a little misty. I am so proud.

"Fake" Name My Ass

So today, I was looking at a magazine and I came across an article about black women on the down low. One of the interviewees reminded me of a girl from college. Now we weren't friends by any means. There was a situation that impeded a possible friendship. I believe this article was talking about her, eventhough it said it wasn't her real name. Bull!

There are several clues that lead me to believe that is indeed her; the psychologist and amateur FBI profiler in me says it's her. And frankly, I was pissed. But why was I pissed?

As I looked back on my undergraduate years, I thought about our encounters. I thought about how the first few years, I really did care about fitting in and acting the proper way. I've always been a good girl to the average person, but I've done my share of dirt. However, this particular person used her perception of a situation I was involved in and tried to tarnish my good reputation.

I felt under constant judgement from her and her friends. I did things that I didn't necessarily need to do, just so I could feel justified in previous actions. I know this is kinda vague...but essentially, I cared what this chick thought of me so much, that I did stuff...I guess..in a way to win her approval.

So essentially, I am pissed at myself. Pissed that I gave her that much control in my life. But glad, that I'm a big girl now and can learn from my mistakes and be honest with myself. I am even more committed now to watch what I say to others, about others.

Office decorum

Don't freak your bosses desk, stapler, hole punch or anything like that ... although funny, not very appropriate.

Anonymous

Sometimes I just want to disappear. I could blend into the world of anonymous bloggers. I'll still post here of course. I could tell all of my secret fantasies, deep dark secrets and other things I have done. But I don't know if I would want people to actually read it? It's enough just for me to write it. To get it out of my head, to stop obsessing and editing myself. I wouldn't connect it to twitter, facebook, myspace, or any other technical entity and you know what, people would still find it. That's interesting and crazy.

favorite video from a great movie!

From: Music and Lyrics Starring Drew Barrymore and Hugh Grant

Yeah, I’m a Taurus. So what?

I read my horoscope the other day and it was- the craziest thing. It said something about me needing to take a break, relax and go into myself. I wonder why it is that whenever it says something like that...I get sick. Like I don’t know how to relax on my own so the universe sits my arse down. Truth is I don’t. My idea of relaxation is staying in the bed all day. But even then I can be so stressed out that I have to get up and leave. Kind of defeats the purpose of resting.

I don’t know...well I do know how to calm my mind; I just haven’t done it in a long time: meditate. I had a place designated in our home, but now that part is cluttered. And it is really cold in there. Even with the heat on...it is cold as heck in that room. That is the main reason for not meditating. I can’t get enough peace and quiet in any other place in the house to get my mood in alignment.

It’s something I need to put into practice again. Around January 2 everyone was starting to go back to work. I remember people were complaining and dreading that day. I was so grateful to not feel that way about work. I am working from home and although some stress exists, I am satisfied and happy. I can type in my pj’s if I really wanted. Even when I was sick, I could still pound out a few words on the comp and it was no big deal. Plus, I was in a different place each time. I could travel the world if I had more money. (I will too!)

But according to my horoscope for 2009, professional advances are in the works for me. That means these are not the only jobs I will be working. I already knew that going into the year and before I read my horoscope. Mainly because, these have been my goals for the last 6 months, I know they are going to come into fruition. My mom even asked me, “Are you trying to make up for lost time from being unemployed?” No.
I want to make up for lost time from being without a regular paycheck. I have always been employed.

By going to the conference, I learned that everyone has a day job. I established within myself, that I am not above doing something I am good at and enjoy (a day job) to do something that I love (writing). Writing is something I could do in my sleep-it takes no effort for me whatsoever. My writing is in full swing, a goal for 2008, and it is beyond time to start meditating again. It will be an absolute necessity for me so that I can remain calm, cool, and healthy. So we will see how this year plays out and if my horoscope for 09 is right. Ciao.

Bookworm

If you follow me on twitter, you probably already know that I am sick. It is the worst, only because I haven't gotten my first paycheck yet. When you can't take care of yourself, it is not a good feeling. I burst into tears because 1) I felt awful, 2) there was nothing I could do about it, and 3) no matter what my girlfriend wanted to do, she couldn't do anything about it either.

I used to have a wifi hotspot in our bedroom, but whose ever it was, changed it from an unsecure connection to a secure connection. That sucks.

But other than that...I am pretty good. I have been reading a lot lately. One of my homegirls has books galore at her house. Books I wouldn't normally read, I have been picking up. Janet Evanovich has a set of romance books that she is re-releasing under her own name and they are so good. So far I have read Naughty Neighbor and Foul Play. They were better than expected. I usually don't expect much from books so if they aren't good, I am not disappointed. And if they are good, I am pleasantly surprised.

I've also read Bliss by Fionna Zedde 2x's already. Now, I am looking for some more good lesbian authors. Any suggestions?

Lesbian Rags

I love Barnes & Noble. I can spend hours upon hours there. Now when I go into the book store, I make a bee line to the magazines then to the "Gay & Lesbian Literature". I usually pick up a good mystery or two then to the cafe to see if any of what I just picked up was worth purchasing. I remember when I used to go to B&N, I would pretend like I was looking at the "Women's Studies" or "Native American" section as I snuck a peak over at the LGBT section. I always get a kick out of it when I see younger teens doing the same thing. I sometimes want to go up and talk to them. But I don't. When I was in there today, I was really shocked to see a few African-American themed LGBT books in the Fiction section. That was a shock and a first for me.

But lately, I have grown an affinity to Borders. They carry Jane & Jane which someone wrote was a good website which I need to go check out. I also saw another new lesbian magazine called Crave. Does anyone know if Girlfriends Magazine is still around? I need to check them out too. It was my first lesbian purchase. I bought another magazine just so I could hide it. I remember my heart beating really fast. LOL...Oh how much I have changed. Of course they have Curve magazine but I am just seeing a wider variety of books that is looking very appealing. I bought my first lesbian magazine there so I don't know why I am surprised. I just wish they were open later. Here, B&N closes at 11 and Border closes at 10. That hour is the crucial thing for me. I don't even start putting my stuff up or checking out until 10:55. LOL. Then Border's has music and movies to peruse too.

Toilet Paper Thief

Okay so you ran out of toilet paper? I know you may be feeling the $$ pinch, but please don't steal it from the bathroom in Barnes & Noble, your favorite restaurant, department store, etc. You can get 4 rolls for $1 from Walgreens, The Dollar Tree and many other discount stores. It's just totally inappropriate.

Everything is Fine in 2009

Hello Everyone!!!

So what have I been up to?

I have a job with Smarthinking.com so I have been training for that. The new semester starts January 23 and I am naturally a procrastinator so I haven't been able to post as much as I would like in this new year. I will get it together though. My time management skills are already getting better. That's good. And would not have been possible without God.

I feel like 09 is going to be the YEAR. Does anyone else feel like that or know what I am talking about?

My girlfriend is absolutely amazing. I love her sooooo much. We have been inseparable since I got back into town. LOL. Sorry to everyone who have tried to spend time with us...gottta get that quality time in again.

I got a sewing machine for Christmas so you know I am going to be sewing again soon.
I have so many purse ideas in my head that it isn't even funny.

I am now a contributing writer over at QueerCents. I hope you all stop by and take a look at the Dating on a Budget series, plus there are some good tidbits about managing your finances. :-)

2009

Happy New Year People!