Processing

I'm only writing when I feel moved to write. I hope that you still come around and send me emails. It's just that I can get so wrapped up on-line, that I don't accomplish the things I need to throughout the day. Plus, I don't want to fill your minds with garbage. And that's what I would be doing if I wrote everyday just for the sake of writing. I won't do that. I won't be using this blog to bash the world. There is enough of that going on already. I want this to be a place where I can process- you can process- we can process and move into a great place in our lives. I want to sow good seeds.

If you haven't noticed, lately I have been really processing my life. Defining my hopes and dreams while searching my heart for answers has been refreshing. Every few months I find out something wonderful about myself. But this time, I think it goes even deeper than just my normal processing.

The silence has helped the internal critic understand actions and desires more clearly. I am getting back to my roots; not the superficial stuff that everyone else thinks they know, but my authentic self that I haven't shown to many people- maybe no one but God. It's a cleansing. Year 30 is the year I cleanse and snatch and live the life I have long desired.

I was telling a friend, I feel as though I have leaped to year 45 in wisdom because I just have no time for nonsense anymore. I think middle-aged women are fascinating, because that is when they decide to live their life. I want to live my life now. I don't want to get caught up on that monotonous train of duty and obligation and miss the train to relaxation, fun, peace and enjoyment.

Until next time, have fun! ~ Tam

Home Alone

My girlfriend and I don't spend that much time apart. I mean occassionally we'll be apart...but it is very rare. She's at her mom's house. I'm guessing she'll come home tomorrow, but I'm not really sure. Her little sister is graduating from middle school. Isn't that sweet? I don't know if I have ever stayed the night here by myself. Hmmm... I can't think of any time where I would have.

So on my agenda: finish up pr by tam newsletter template, laundry, dishes, cook dinner- (egg salad sandwiches! yummy), wash my hair-- so not in the mood but I have to cuz it's itching, sew some purses for charity sale, and I will probably do a little bit of overtime on the day job.

I also have to clean the kitchen floor. Does anyone have a good floor cleaner? I declare mops (w/pine sol or bleach type cleaner) and swiffer wet jet just push the dirt around. It urks me to no end. It seems like it is dirty as soon as it is clean. All remedies appreciated.

I will probably read a book too. I've read all of the ones I checked out from the library. Well except one by Rochelle Alers, she's one of my fave authors but I couldn't get into this one so I already checked it back in! Well I do have plenty to get accomplished! So I will write again later on.... TTFN.

Thinking, Thinking, Thinking

On several different occasions, I said to myself, "I am going to practice silence today." Only to wake up and immediately start talking. I mean goodness, who knew a person could talk so much. But I've been having really strange dreams this week so I really wanted to get inside my head and analyze.

I don't remember all of the one from last night, but one man in particular had a hit out on me. I don't know how much the people were getting paid, but they were very persistent. The wife of the person who paid for the hit let me know when and where the hit was taking place. So I was able to escape 2 or 3 times. This dream had my anxiety up a few notches. It wasn't as bad as some of the other dreams, but goodness who wants to be shot at with machine guns while trying to rest. The craziest thing about it was the wife made it seem like the man did this on a regular basis. LOL, that is funny to me now. She knew his exact M-O.

Today, I thought about being silent and went against it. Then I started to read another book and silence fell upon me. It is so peaceful. My stress levels have dropped a few meters. I can think clearly. Everything I have been trying to work out in my head just seems so easy.

Anne LeClaire, the author of the book, Listening Below the Noise, suggests making some of your daily chores into moments of silence. Take it as a time to reflect. I began to think about my Granny.

In particular, I thought about her sitting in the kitchen making potato salad.(I am craving hers right now!) Many people just cook and peel the potatoes, add the seasonings, and everything else. My granny's process is a little more methodical. It's a production- boil the potatoes; boil the eggs; peel the potatoes; peel the eggs; remove the yolk from the eggs; dice the potatoes, onions, celery and egg whites into small squares; add the relish,mustard, and secret ingredients. She would then taste it, correct the flavor, add mayo, and finish off the salad in a nice bowl with pretty garnish.

All the while she's silent. She rarely talked while cooking. She seems so focused and intent on the food. I never thought, until now, that she could have been doing some serious thinking, rationalizing, and meditating. She is always so calm, cool, and collected you wouldn't think she had a worry in the world.

With my anxiety level lower, I am a better girlfriend. I am a better friend. I am a better business partner. I am a better person- period. I thought this "silence" would be a one time or unscheduled thing. I am beginning to thing otherwise. I need to do this. I feel centered, focused, refreshed-- and it's only been a couple of hours.

Be Silent Be Still

So I tried not to talk yesterday- I was unsuccessful in my attempt. I know that it is something I will attempt again, and very soon. I think I was most unsuccessful because I did not disengage from the outside world. I hung out with my gf and cousin, watched tv, was on the net, answered email, etc. The act of not speaking did not adequately take me to a place of silence within. However, I did have some moments of clarity. Instead of thinking before I spoke...I got to think. I caught myself talking about people in my head. I now know that I can be very opinionated and I don't have to open my mouth to do it. I caught myself on numerous occassions talking "spit"...I am so glad I didn't say it out loud. I understand some of the things that irritate me and I understand some of the things I do that can irritate others. I also realized that a lot of talking is unnecessary-- simply done to hear my own voice. I'll try again-- This should be very interesting.

Silence

Today, I am observing a day of silence. I read a book by Anne Leclaire about meditation and silence this weekend. The only restriction for today is that I cannot speak. It was supposed to be 6 am to 6 am, but I forgot and asked my gf what time it was this morning. It's amazing how easy I forgot. I debated if I would continue and I decided to just roll with it. I changed the time to 10:30 am - 10:30 am. It's actually been pretty hard so far...I'll let you know how it goes.

Love,

Tamara