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I used to always get irritated by my father's side of my family because they were never affectionate towards me. I never got a hug from anybody. I didn't even meet him until I was like 11 or 12. I tried hanging out with my sister a few times afterwards. That didn't work.

My family would make me call him if I needed something. That didn't feel good. Because I felt like they would think all I wanted was money. But I didn't even want that. It was something my momma couldn't give me - thus I needed it. She was to proud to ask for it - so I had too.

They never came to anything - performances, graduations, birthdays'etc. And they were always invited.I actually despised my father for a long time because I never felt like he loved me. I was actually surprised a few weeks ago when I went to the Social Security office and his name was on my form. Hell, he didn't even sign my birth certificate.

On my momma's side, I couldn't get through the door without being hugged, pinched, or bitten on my fat cheeks. I had been socialized in this manner from birth. My Granny, has this talent of giving me what I want financially, but what I need emotionally. She knows when to give me a hug and when I need a dollar. She is balanced. She NEVER missed anything that I deemed important. She would take off work to come to chorus performances, awards day ceremonies, even band performances in high school. Maybe she is special- she had 6 kids, so she probably knows a thing or two. My girlfriend is a lot like her. They like some of the same things. It's kinda freaky. LOL.

But, I have always wanted to be just like her. Thus, I try to mirror some of her positive behaviors in my relationships: Encouragment, emotional support, financial support if possible. In college, my gf sang with the college choir. Although, I wasn't really into all of the music (a lot of it was foreign) I went to every on-campus performance. Off-campus performances were another story because they were all over. I didn't have a car and I couldn't just ride with them. But if they were on campus or a nearby church, I was there. I sat there, sometimes by myself, to show my support. Eventually, most of the music grew on me.

This is a problem -not in my relationship but with everyone else- because I always give.

If I see an opening, I try to fill it. Need a place to stay? We have an extra room. Hungry? Let me take you out to eat. Need money? How much, for what, and do you plan on paying it back? Notice it doesn't say, "When are you paying it back?" Stranded in another state? What's the address?

Do you see why this is such a problem?

I want to give, but I don't want to feel like I'm being taken advantage of. I don't want people around me who are only my friend because they know I will do anything for them. I want to be friends with people who have common interests, enjoy the company, great discussions and can have a good time. I want people around me who will support me in my endeavors and I in theres. My granny makes me feel good. My girlfriend makes me feel good. We have a 2 way street relationship. I am no longer in the cul-de-sac riding around the little circle. It's been fun...but I am a little bit to old for all of that.

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Yesterday, I awoke to Joyce Meyer saying, "Stop beating a dead horse. God showed you this a long time ago. It's time for you to move on." I was like -- WOOOOW! Joyce. Wow! Indeed he did.