My momma made me go to a funeral with her on Saturday. I totally didn't want to go. I can remember a time when all of the family members I had grown up with were all alive. I remember thinking, "I am so blessed I haven't experienced that loss yet." My great-grandmother passed away my first month in college. My aunt passed right after I graduated from college. My grandma's brother that Christmas and then my grandfather the next summer. 2 weeks after my grandfather, my grandma's other living brother passed away. It was hard. I didn't go to all of those funerals. I couldn't. My mind wouldn't let me. But going to a funeral of someone I didn't know was different.
I just sat there. I wanted to take out a pen and paper and write what I was observing, what I was feeling. But that didn't seem appropriate. I felt like I was spying. The lady behind me sniffled, "I lost my husband 2 years ago. Death is harder when you lose a husband." I looked at the wife. She looked surprisingly ok. I gave the lady behind me a hug--she wasn't okay. Would I be okay if something happened to my love? Would I be that strong? My granny was strong. I can't handle traveling out of town without her so I know I couldn't handle living without her. But if I lost my girlfriend, wouldn't that hurt just as much? Why is it that some married people feel that they have a monopoly on grief?
My mom had only met the deceased one time, but she was so impressed with him and how he treated her. They met while volunteering for McCain/Palin. I watched the DVD playing of him. He was driving his pickup down the middle of the street with ribbons tied to it and a McCain/Palin sign tied to the top. He looked happy. In every picture, he looked with glee. The lady behind me, "He always had a smile." I smiled.
People cried. My momma even cried. Amazingly, not one tear fell from my eyes. I am by nature very sensitive and a cry baby. It was a beautiful scene. Beautiful decorations. He was a logger. There were pine trees being given away at the door, they wanted them planted in his memory. They had a big truck like little kids get for christmas with logs riding up a greenway on his casket. Didn't take pictures, not appropriate. All of the flowers were made out of twigs...more like wreaths instead of flowers. Big red Christmas bows everywhere.
But taking all of this in, I couldn't help but think about Paula over at LezGetReal who lost her partner Debbie earlier this month. I thought about all of the lgbt folk who were in relationships and left there partners behind. And the lack of respect some people give lgbt relationships. Then I thought about my own demise. How would my family support my partner if something happened to me?
That's why this marriage thing is so important. It is almost a given that the relationship of a married couple will be respected. Every now and then you will see a crazy family member pop up and want to control things, but if the person was married they usually defer to the spouse. If the family doesn't respect it...the courts respect it. I just want my relationship respected as well.
Tamara - I appreciate your post and glad, at your age (I'm in my late 40's) that you 'get it'. It seems that, even while we are moving closer to marriage for more same sex couples in the world, many are staying away from marriage because of the cynicism that surrounds it. Where did timeless values like commitment, till death do us part and, 'being stuck together' go? ;-)
ReplyDeleteThe research on marriage (while some is too politically biased probably) is clear: if you are happily married, you receive benefits physically, financially, etc. that singles and unhappily marrieds don't get!